To feel completely destroyed

[Itsgettingbetter]

My 11 year old DS did not qualify for a bursary place at his two independent school choices. Sounds relatively minor writing it down but it is proving a trigger for larger issues I'm working through.

My parents and siblings are struggling with various difficulties and are all isolated. Becoming a single parent at 24 I vowed to would whatever it took to give my son hope, happiness and security.

When he started primary I returned to full time education having previously left uni after 1 year. This time I achieved a first, got a full scholarship to my masters at a top uni and am now doing my PhD which is fully funded too. I am confident that I will have a successful, fulfilling career at the end of it.

But that is still some way off (2 and a half years to go until I finish the doctorate) and I feel bitter and disappointed that I am not in position to pay for the educational experience I feel my son - who is bright and thoroughly enjoys school - deserves. The school he had his heart set on said they would interview for him for fee paying place. The fees are the same amount as my scholarship - it's practically unworkable.

We have been working towards this goal for years and I feel like an idiot for striving for something that it seems was never really in reach. One of the schools is just around the corner and it will be upsetting to pass it, knowing we're not in the position to access it. DS cried when I told him yesterday but all things considering is taking it quite well. He woke up with a smile on his face today - which I admire him hugely for. I am being positive for him but privately I feel distraught and stupidly naive. I have little support in real life and am tired of battling on alone.

"NavyandWhite

Maybe some posters should read the OP again. It clearly states that the OP is struggling and this rejection has triggered other issues and also that her family are going through some difficulties, maybe that's one reason she has reacted so badly?"

Absolutely.

YABU, both me and my partner went to awful state schools we both went to University and have good jobs. If he's a good kid like you say he just needs to apply himself but when he does a-levels try to save up for a tutor if needed. (I needed one for Biology an Physics due to really bad teachers!)

CH is an outstanding charity school that charges fees on a sliding scale based on parental income. The poorer you are, the less you pay. Some people pay nothing at all.

YABU to feel "Completely destroyed" by something so trivial. Get a grip. State school is not the end of the world for God's sake.

Ah I see the little chap was offered a place but no financial assistance.

OP, have you called the bursar?
If you explain your situation and that your son cannot attend without a bursary, they may look again.

I know a girl who was offered an 80% bursary which still made the school out of reach. The family explained the situation and the bursary was increased.

navy how do you reach that conclusion?

OP says the school will interview for a fee-paying place. Surely a place would already have been offered if the OP was applying for bursaries, no?

And I don't understand why the OP didn't get any sort of bursary on her income.

I know schools won't tell you in advance of your bursary application whether you'll be offered one, but it's possible to get a rough idea before you embark on the whole process.

I agree with TeethDrama on page 2. OP has been fortunate enough to have many years of free higher education. I don't know anyone under a certain age who has been so lucky. To then hope - nay, expect - that her ds is going to get a free private school place... well, it strikes me as a bit greedy .

rights for some schools bursaries are competed for, like scholarships.

Yes YABU to describe him not getting a bursary into independent school as you feeling 'completely destroyed'. Save that for when someone really close to you dies.

OK, so you had got your hopes up and now you're disappointed. Fair enough.

What matters now is what you do next. You can turn it into a tragedy, and dwell on the unfairness that you can't afford to send your DS to your top choice of school. Or you can focus on ensuring that he gets the best possible education in the state system, like the vast majority of other kids in this country, with the added benefit of a highly supportive parent at home. The choice is yours.

Ultimately, it's your parenting that will determine the future success or otherwise of your son, far more than the school he goes to. He is clearly resilient, which is a hugely important quality. Encourage and reinforce that resilience by focusing on the future and on the things that you can do to help him succeed. He will watch your response to this setback and learn from it.

It's not the end of the world OP. Ds went state all the way, has a degree and an Masters fully funded by his employer who are currently funding him another degree and at 27 is senior management in Local Government.
Dn the same age went to independent school (seemingly well thought of schools too) from age 3 to 18 got a couple of Ds at A level and last year funded himself some qualification in social media NVQ in Facebook. He's earning minimum wage in the same job his parents' contacts got him at 18.
Ds learned resilience and independence and ambition and that stood him in good stead your ds's resilience will stand him in good stead too.

Was this a tutor you were paying for? Sounds like she was exploiting you

I would phrase it less harshly but any tutor telling you something is 'in the bag' is either incompetent or a charlatan. There is a massive industry in tutoring/private primary and too much preying on parental fears by bigging up the 'horrors' of state schools.

I imagine the paying parents would be quite angry if going to public school for free or heavily subsidised was more than a remote possibility.

Well they can hand back their subsidies and tax breaks then

Bowled over by the response, thank you it is really helping me to get some healthy sense of perspective. Am reading your responses but failing to keep up!

Christ's hospital
Did consider boarding but I think at this stage in DS' life, being separated from one the person giving him stability might be difficult for him.

I think you may have bought into the myth, OP.
Perhaps. But the majority of people in this society who come from backgrounds similar to ours and have achieved positions of influence were privately educated. There are issues around this (ethnicity/class/low expectations/ racism/peer pressure) that I don't really want to go into here. Of course a private education is not a salve for society's ills.

Did your son fail the entrance examinations?
Out of two he performed well enough in one to be invited for interviewed for a fee paying place, but not for a bursary-funded one.

morningtoncrescent62 Thank you so much

With London schools nothing is guaranteed, however rich you are(okay if you're donating millions it might be different), however bright your kid. School places are a dogfight and managing expectations is essential for parents and kids.
Your tutor did you a huge disservice.

If your son feels like a "failure" for not meeting your idealised education fantasy then you have nobody to blame but yourself.

OP

Listen, he's going to do great. The most important thing in a child's life is how he is parented and you sound like you're doing fabulously. Honestly, the state sector is filled with the most fabulous, capable teachers who were trained in exactly the same way as their peers in the private sector. I think people do focus on the very high achievers who were educated in the private sector (politicians, academics etc) and forget that the biggest group of kids, the other 90 percent, will probably achieve exactly the same whatever school they go to.

I live in an affluent area in the south and was educated in a northern state school. Apart from those who have gone off to be super duper achievers, there is genuinely no way of knowing who else was educated privately and who wasn't. My husband is in the building trade and lots of his colleagues went to private school. I work in a profession that can only be accessed by people with degrees and PG qualifications. I can't think of any people I work with who were educated privately.

Your son will be fine.

Look at it this way, you had a bad educational experience and you will soon
(ish!) be a doctor. A lack of a private education didnt stop you did it?

Driven ambitious people will always succeed and with the support from home that you obviously give him, I see no reason why he shouldnt do very well.

Good for you for trying. I had 3 children by 26 and was paying one set of school fees by then - not easy. My position was better as I got started with career a lot earlier than you (graduated at 20 in law etc).

There is always a way however. Have you considered night working? We often did 2 jobs. Yes it takes it out of you but it pays off in the end. Do you have a 2 bed place and could rent one room out and your son sleep with you?
If you earned £10 an hour in a cafe all day sat and sunday that is £200 a week already x 52 is £10400 a year enough to pay most annual fees for a private school. So surely this IS possile rather than not possible?

OP - What you have to remember is that there will be thousands of people who can pay, but their DC wasn't offered a place because they have narrowly missed the grade. I suspect you're talking about some of the Central London independents? In some schools something like 1200 apply for 120 places. There are no assurances for anyone. And even an interview does not necessarily mean a place - often the odds can still be 1 in 4. It's a crazy circus and the sheer numbers involved will always mean that selection is fairly arbitrary, fee-paying or not.
Your son has done very very well to get to interview stage and should be congratulated on this. Please remember that many applicants will not have succeeded in getting that far and they are bright kids too.
Can you say roughly where you are in London? Many school will have admission at 13+

Sand who's looking after and supporting the OP' s son whilst she's working all weekend Tiger?

If you earned £10 an hour in a cafe all day sat and sunday that is £200 a week already x 52 is £10400 a year enough to pay most annual fees for a private school. So surely this IS possile rather than not possible?

If you live in a world where there are loads of cafes offering ten hour shifts at £10 an hour, it's totally possible. Here on Earth, they can pay teenagers a fiver an hour and often only want people for the busiest part of the day.