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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned if my adult son stays out all night?

94 replies

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 11:26

My 25 year old son still stays at home. He went out last night and text me about 2am to say he was staying at a friend's house and wouldn't be back until today. My husband didn't know he had text as he was asleep. Now this morning my DH notices DS hasn't come home. I asked him if he wasn't concerned that he hadn't come home. His response was that he's an adult. Are men wired differently? If my DS hadn't text me to tell me he wasn't coming home I would have been worried sick. As it is he always messages me to tell me if he's going to be really late otherwise I would text him. AIBU?

OP posts:

user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 11:27

Oh bless you. He's 25! You're lucky he's still texting you.

What would you do if he moved out tomorrow? Would you expect him to text you every time he goes out to let you know he's back at his flat or something?

madcatwoman61 · 15/01/2017 11:29

YABU - he's an adult

ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/01/2017 11:29

I don't blame you for feeling like this and I know when my son is 25, 40, 50, 60 (if I'm still around when he's that old) I will always worry about him.

When you say he "stays" at home, do you mean he visits but lives elsewhere? If he doesn't always live with you now, how often are you in contact with him? Do you worry all the time?

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 15/01/2017 11:29

At 25 I would find it stifling to have to message my plans about a staying out etc.

It obviously works for you and your son though so yanbu but neither is your husband for not being worried.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/01/2017 11:29

My eldest ds is 21 and lives away at university. When he comes home and goes out he always texts me to say he's leaving town, be it 2.00 am or 5.00 am.

I would be worried if he didn't text me and I didn't know where he was , adult or not .

Obviouspretzel · 15/01/2017 11:30

Assume OP is Scottish, most Scottish people say 'stays' where English people say 'lives'.

corythatwas · 15/01/2017 11:30

I have a 20yo dd living at home and I consider it perfectly normal that she should sometimes stay out all night. Most of her friends are at uni in other parts of the country; their parents aren't keeping tabs on them, so it would seem rather unfair of me to do it on dd.

Otoh I would however consider it very rude if she, or anybody else living in this house, did not let me know if they were not going to be back. It would worry me to think I had not brought her up with good manners. But then your son did- so, no problem.

Nothing to do with being a man or a woman imho; it's about whether you can recognise that your lo is now an adult.

Cloeycat · 15/01/2017 11:32

I'm 25 and leave in a different country to my parents. When I'm staying at theirs and go out for a night out I'll always text my mum if I'm going to stay out later then usual or stay the night elsewhere. Surely it's normal when you are staying at someone's house to do so?

Occasionally I feel bad if she responds as it means I've woken her up at an ungodly hour but she says she would prefer that to waking up in the morning and worrying until I get in touch.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/01/2017 11:32

OP is worried about her son's whereabouts and if he's OK - totally normal at any age.

If OP was telling her 25 year old son he couldn't go out or couldn't stay out all night, that would be a problem.

It's not unreasonable to feel like this. How many of us will stop worrying about our kids as soon as they hit 18 and become an adult?

wifeyhun · 15/01/2017 11:33

YABU I think, I had been left home for 7 years by the age of 25.

I guess when they live under your roof thought, it's probably normal to be concerned.

ThePinkOcelot · 15/01/2017 11:34

I don't blame you for worrying. I think you worry no matter what age they are. I think you have a lovely, considerate son, letting you know he's staying out.

Basicbrown · 15/01/2017 11:34

I think yanbu, it isn't unheard of for drunk men to fall in streams etc on the way home and I don't see male/ female makes a difference.

To the poster who would find it 'stifling' to live with someone who actually cares about them live on your own then! I suspect the OP's DS likes that his mum loves him and just doesn't want her to worry because he is caring and considerate.

Floisme · 15/01/2017 11:35

Sounds normal to me. When my son's back from uni, I always ask him to text me if he's not coming home. It's not like I quiz him about where he is or who he's with! And if I was house sharing with a friend, I'd do the same.

TealGiraffe · 15/01/2017 11:36

Yabu hes a grown man! Its nice that you worry about him but you have to remember hes not a child anymore.

Personally i would assume 'staying at a mates' actually meant "ive pulled and im off back to theirs".

I spent a lot of time 'sleeping at sarahs' at a young adult living at home.

Original poster

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 11:36

Just to clarify, my son still lives at home. He left when he was at Uni and lived in a flat and of course I didn't need to know where he was all the time. If he had his own flat I wouldn't know what he was up to and wouldn't expect him to text me. However, he doesn't often stay out all night and if he does he lets me know.

OP posts:

TealGiraffe · 15/01/2017 11:37

And tbh he sounds considerate if he text you.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 15/01/2017 11:37

I did live on my own from the age of 16, not sure what that has to do with anything though Basic since I also said the op wasn't bu

corythatwas · 15/01/2017 11:37

It is possible, you know, to love somebody and care about their wellbeing and still be able to sleep at night while they are staying at a friend's house.

If I couldn't do that, dd would feel guilty every time she went out: that would not be a good way to live. She is living at home through no fault of her own, and I want her to feel she can still have a normal adult life.

AgentProvocateur · 15/01/2017 11:38

Yes, men are wired differently. My adult DS stays at home with us. He can stay out for nights on end, but he texts each night to say he's not coming in. It will be at least Day 3 before DH asks if I've heard from him!

corythatwas · 15/01/2017 11:38

But letting you know is exactly what he should be doing, OP, and what you should equally expect of any member of your household.

Original poster

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 11:39

Although I worry about him I'm actually quite liberal - I too am assuming he pulled, which is fine. I have allowed my other son's girlfriend to stay often and my other son is gay and I have also allowed his partner to stay, although that's a whole other post!

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 15/01/2017 11:39

It took my mum a long time after I moved out (at 19 and with a child of my own) to stop asking me to let her know when I got in. Even after work I had to text her to say I was home.

JustHereForThePooStories · 15/01/2017 11:39

If expect an adult in the household to advise if they wouldn't be home on a night they were expected to be. It's just common courtesy.

ShatnersBassoon · 15/01/2017 11:39

YANBU. Most parents would have at least a niggling worry if their son or daughter did something out of character like stop out without any word.

Your husband didn't say you were unreasonable though did he? He may well have also been concerned but decided not to let it show in case it made you panic.

ForalltheSaints · 15/01/2017 11:40

If you are in someone's house other than perhaps in a house share, then it is courtesy and responsible to let someone know if you are going to be home later than planned, or not at all.

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