Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be concerned if my adult son stays out all night?

94 replies

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 11:26

My 25 year old son still stays at home. He went out last night and text me about 2am to say he was staying at a friend's house and wouldn't be back until today. My husband didn't know he had text as he was asleep. Now this morning my DH notices DS hasn't come home. I asked him if he wasn't concerned that he hadn't come home. His response was that he's an adult. Are men wired differently? If my DS hadn't text me to tell me he wasn't coming home I would have been worried sick. As it is he always messages me to tell me if he's going to be really late otherwise I would text him. AIBU?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2017 12:24

My daughter lives away at uni during term time, she still texts me when she's out and gets home, usually after four am. Stops me worrying. If she didn't I would not kick up a fuss.

I think it's nice to have someone worry about you and want to know you're ok. It only is not nice when the person insists upon it, but if both parties are happy then it's fine.

UnbornMortificado · 15/01/2017 12:24

Bumble I'm 28 my mam still rings to make sure I'm home ok if I go out.

I moved out at 17.

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 15/01/2017 12:25

My whole point is that my DH didn't know whether he had come home or not and didn't know where he was - I just can't be like that

Ooooh I get it! I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Some people just worry more than others.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 15/01/2017 12:27

I'm 25 and I got a text last night from a friend's mother at 2am - she apparently said she'd be home at midnight, mum was worried and did I know where she was! I felt about 15 again!

I could not live like that. I do understand your reaction as he's your child, but he's no long a child. I don't think at 25 he should have to answer to anyone about his comings and going, but because he's in your house he does have to. I think that adult children living at home for as long as they do now can sometimes create this forced extended adolescence, which isn't healthy for anyone involved.

MrsCharlieD · 15/01/2017 12:29

I don't think he has to tell you but I think it is good manners that he does, considering he still lives at home and could be lying in a ditch for all you know. Once he moves out then obviously he's not going tell you where he is at 2am.

MrsJayy · 15/01/2017 12:29

Dh doesn't worry about dd1 she is in her 20s being out and coming home She will text me if she is staying out not coming out I think its just curtesey to text . I would do the same if i was going to be late home

beargrass · 15/01/2017 12:31

If he lives at home then YANBU. My sister did this and my mum was worried out of her mind. It's so easy just to text that there's no real excuse.

If he doesn't like it, he can move out! You don't worry then cos you don't know what his plans were and if they changed. That's how it got resolved at my parents'!

Trills · 15/01/2017 12:32

You would be unreasonable to be "worried sick", yes.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son. It's nice that he texts you. But worried sick would be a ridiculous overreaction if one night he did not text you.

Posters saying "I don't live with my parents and I don't text them" are entirely irrelevant.

KateDaniels2 · 15/01/2017 12:38

I dont think either you or your dh is unreasonable and i dont thibk its anything to do with men being 'wired' differently.

You and your dh are just different.

spooniestudent · 15/01/2017 12:46

That was always the rule when I stayed at home, text if your not coming back, just so my mum wouldn't worry if I wasn't in in the morning. Obviously she didn't need me to text while I was at uni because she wasn't expecting me to be in.
I don't think your dh is being u either, are you usually quite a worried person op? Maybe he knows that if anything was wrong you'd be panicking

TheProblemOfSusan · 15/01/2017 12:52

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to text you at all - it's a basic safety measure. Maybe I developed different rules being a woman who went out a lot, but it's not about you keeping tabs on him, it's about his basic safety.

If you are/aren't planning on coming home, you tell your mum, your flatmate, whoever. If your plan changes, no probs, but make sure you tell that person so a) they don't worry and b) so that if one day you don't make it home but you always text, they know to call the police.

Nospringflower · 15/01/2017 12:55

I didn't know English people didn't use stay!

Trills · 15/01/2017 13:04

Asking "are men and women just wired differently" when one man and one woman have a different reaction to an event does not portray the asker as being very thoughtful or intelligent.

SlothMama · 15/01/2017 13:13

I'm in the same situation as you OP, although I am slightly younger than your son. My Mum does the same thing with me, when I was at Uni she didn't worry but now I'm at home she worries!

I do the same as him and will send a quick text if I plan to stay at a friends or my boyfriends. She does ask me to text her if I'm working away to let her know I got there safely which is slightly annoying. But if she's happy for me to stay at home whilst I save to buy a house then it's fair enough.

PamelaAnn · 15/01/2017 13:17

I think it depends on your family dynamics. If he's happy to text you that's fine but i think there needs to be negotiation. I worked abroad a lot in my 20s and in between jobs i inevitably ended up staying at my parents' house for a few weeks at a time. I'm incredibly private and my mum is a big worrier. I hated having to let her know if i wasn't coming home at night, partly because it felt like an intrusion of my privacy and so sometimes I lied about where i was (and i didn't like lying). Also because it stopped me just going with the flow on a night out as I had to keep in mind that at some point I'd have to text my mother. I felt like i was 16 again.

Original poster

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 13:19

Asking "are men and women just wired differently" when one man and one woman have a different reaction to an event does not portray the asker as being very thoughtful or intelligent

Thanks for that Trills - It's amazing that I managed to string a couple of sentences together - my lack of intelligence is obviously shining through.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 15/01/2017 13:35

I don't see any evidence in my own circle that men and women are wired differently. Both dh and I like to be treated with consideration by an adult child, just as we would by an adult house guest. Neither of us worries sick. Both of us are able to sleep through the night when dd is out on the tiles.

INeedToEat · 15/01/2017 13:36

I have a 25 yr old DS living at home.
I absolutely expect him to send me a text if he isn't coming home - I also text him if I'm staying out

lljkk · 15/01/2017 13:42

This kind of fretting is what made me move out when I was 19. No way I was going to feel obliged to tell my parents what I was up to.

Backt0Black · 15/01/2017 13:43

Fine, and its nice, and good manners if you have an arrangement he texts you. Not fine really to start to think of DH in a poor light as he didn't fret and stay awake auntil you'd given up the info that DS did in fact text you....it's almost like it was a test of DH's love for DS you'd set?

crazydoglady6867 · 15/01/2017 13:46

As he lives in your house it is respectful of him to text you and you are lucky he does this. As long as my kids let me know I didn't mind how often they stayed out or were late home, we used to let them know if we were going to be later than expected so I expected them to let us know. My son was shit at this though but my daughter was great.

Cary2012 · 15/01/2017 14:30

Neither of you are unreasonable OP. At 25 he's been an adult for seven years, so his dad thinks he's fine. You like a text to know he's staying out, that's how I am. My 19 yr old still lives at home and always texts me if he stays out. We live a couple of miles away from the city, and I worry about him walking late at night and don't settle till he's home. So it's not me keeping tabs on him, it's me being realistic because bad stuff happens and whether he was 9, 19 or 29 whilst he lives here, if I'm expecting him home I would worry if he stayed out and I hadn't had a text.

However, when I was away he stayed at his dad's and he stayed out and didn't bother telling him, and his dad didn't give it a second thought.

Basically, he respects that I need a text, because I need to know he's safe. That's just the way I am.

Floisme · 15/01/2017 14:42

No way I was going to feel obliged to tell my parents what I was up to.
It doesn't sound as if the op asks her son what he's up to. I agree that would be unreasonable but she just asks him to let her know if he's not coming home. In my book that's simply one adult showing consideration for another adult.
It's also, as a previous poster has said, about people looking out for each other.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2017 14:44

I am going to join the others, let go of those apron strings bumble, he's an adult now, who does not have to report to you at different moments of the day. Be happy he is independent.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2017 14:55

When living at home it is courtesy to tell parents if you're not coming home that night/day/weekend. No more information is required, but they need to know not to expect you.

When you leave home, out of sight out of mind is how it is how it is from a general point of view.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread