To be concerned if my adult son stays out all night?

[bumblebee50]

My 25 year old son still stays at home. He went out last night and text me about 2am to say he was staying at a friend's house and wouldn't be back until today. My husband didn't know he had text as he was asleep. Now this morning my DH notices DS hasn't come home. I asked him if he wasn't concerned that he hadn't come home. His response was that he's an adult. Are men wired differently? If my DS hadn't text me to tell me he wasn't coming home I would have been worried sick. As it is he always messages me to tell me if he's going to be really late otherwise I would text him. AIBU?

I don't think it's a controlling thing. I don't know what he gets up to and as long as he's not doing anything illegal that's fair enough.

I've always let the people I live with (family, uni flatmates, friends) know if my plans have changed and I'm not coming home - just as a courtesy. I like to know if the roles are reversed as well. I don't care what they're doing, I just like to know they're safe and that I can put the chain across the door without worrying if I'm going to be awakened at 4am to let them in!

Obviouspretzel

What has being Scottish got to do with it? I'm Scottish and I say "Lives with" rather than "stays with"

OP, My elder daughter is 25 and has just moved into a flat with her boyfriend, she didn't always text me when she stayed the night with a friend

Younger daughter is 24 nearly, she still lives here with me and she always texts me if she's going to be home later (Not one for staying out overnight)

Both my older ds are/have been away at University. When there, I worry not a jot about their comings and goings, haven't a clue what they are up to most of the time, and only get a bit twitchy and will call or text, if we haven't made contact for over a week.

When they are at home, however, even though there are no constraints on them, I do like to know whether to expect them back, and for them to let me know if plans change. Otherwise I get a knot in my stomach and have them unconscious in a ditch, with their phones having been stolen before you can say 'over-reaction'!

Don't ask me to explain - I can't!

I agree with you OP, you're not being controlling. You've already said you wouldn't expect a text if he lived away from home- out of sight out of mind. But it's just natural if living with someone to let them know, even if just out of politeness so no-ones waiting for the sound of the front door. Lots of stories of young people, especially men, falling into rivers when drunk etc.

Ok, what question did you want answering with your OP:

AIBU to worry about DS?
AIBU to expect him to let me know when he's coming home?
AIBU to be feeling differently about this than DH?
AIBU to think that men and women are generally different about worrying about adult children?

These are all quite different questions.

I think none of us can help but be mother's and therefore worry about our children no matter what their ages, I think that when living with somebody it is only considerate to let them know when one is planning on being back, and, as I said, I think everybody feels whatever they feel - nothing U about it.

If the last question is what you are asking then my answer would be: IME many men are conditioned differently from women to not feel responsible to others' wellbeing, so may well react differently to some women. However, I do not think that that observed difference has anything to do with genitals or X/Y chromosomes.
I think there are more issues with anxiety that can and should be addressed if they make life miserable. And yes, I think, as a gross generalisation, some women are more prone to taking the caring role too far. Not genetic, bot socialisation. There are no pink lady brains, and blue boy brains.

I went back home for 6 months when I was about 26. Always text one of my parents if I wasn't going to get home that night.

YANBU to be concerned but YABU to expect your DS to text you about when he will be home.
When my son was 18 and was out in town at weekends I used to go to bed knowing he would phone if he was in trouble, but he had a key and came in whenever he wanted. I never knew what time he came in and sometimes he stayed at a friend's.
He would sometimes let me know he had decided to stay out if he knew before 10 pm...but he wouldn't call or text if he knew I would already be in bed.
It's difficult but you just have to trust he will be ok because you have no control over what happens anyway.

Blimey. I moved out of home at 18 and after that my parents didn't have a clue where I was when. I think you're being a teeny bit overprotective. He's a grown man.

I do think women are more likely to be targeted with the 'know where your friends are, let someone know when you're going to be home, check that your friends have got home safely' type safety messages. Certainly when I was at uni those types of messages were common, whether implicitly or explicitly targeted at women. As such, I do wonder if that means women are more likely to worry about his kind of stuff.

So no I don't think it's because men and women are 'wired' differently, but possibly the result of years of societal expectation and messages.

Also agree that it's basic courtesy for one adult to let another know that they won't be home that evening. We would always do that one flat mate to another when I lived in a shared house.

But the thread isn't about sons /daughters who've moved out. It's about living with adult children - something we're all likely to be doing a lot more of in the future.

I think if you're an adult, sharing a house with other adults, then a text to let your housemates know you won't be home - no other details required - is just standard, grown-up behaviour.

And now I've just parroted what Out said

Clearly means we're right, floisme

I remember worrying about a housemate when we realised no-one had seen or heard of her since the morning before. Turned out her plans had changed and she'd gone to her boyfriends, and had forgotten her phone charger. But the point is, we still worried - it was unusual behaviour and we tended to let someone know that we wouldn't back.

I think it's reasonable to be slightly concerned that someone who lives with you (and therefore you would expect home) hasn't come home. Of course going into full on panic over a 25 year old, especially one who stays out occasionally, would be OTT but I'd text or call to just make sure they were okay.

Obviously this is just how I feel. And some will feel like I do (and you OP) and others would feel like your partner (and mine).

YABVU at 25 I want living in a foreign country.

Was not Want

If he wasn't expected home then YABU to expect your DH to be surprised that he wasn't there (and how do you know DH didn't assume he came in after he went to bed and before he got up)

YABU to expect a 25yo to check in all the time, it's one thing to send a message if you have plans and he won't make it but otherwise, it's a a nice thing to do but not a requirement

This thread reminds me of a friend with sons currently age 24 & 25. Her only rules when they stay over, are that they can't come home between midnight & 6am -- because they make a crashing drunken racket & wake her up! She certainly isn't going to sit up checking her phone to find out how their evening is going or expecting micro-updates on their ever-changing prospects & plans.