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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned if my adult son stays out all night?

94 replies

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 11:26

My 25 year old son still stays at home. He went out last night and text me about 2am to say he was staying at a friend's house and wouldn't be back until today. My husband didn't know he had text as he was asleep. Now this morning my DH notices DS hasn't come home. I asked him if he wasn't concerned that he hadn't come home. His response was that he's an adult. Are men wired differently? If my DS hadn't text me to tell me he wasn't coming home I would have been worried sick. As it is he always messages me to tell me if he's going to be really late otherwise I would text him. AIBU?

OP posts:

Floisme · 15/01/2017 11:40

Take out the mother-child dynamic: I just see it as basic consideration for anyone you share a home with. And basic security too. It's why texting was such a great invention.

Rixera · 15/01/2017 11:41

Lol, I'm younger than your son and live with my OH and a daughter. I also had a babysitter for the first time ever last night and was able to go out and not come back til 2am. My parents didn't know I was going anywhere in the first place, they never know where I am as I don't live with them and make my own decisions, it wouldn't occur to me or OH to text our respective parents telling them our plans!

If you trust your son to make good decisions, you have nothing to worry about. A worry 'in general' is parental duty, but not enough to make yourself sick over. He's a grown man.

Basicbrown · 15/01/2017 11:42

Why would DD feel guilty cory? Is she unable to text and say 'I'll be back tomorrow'?

I think it's adult to think about other people and treating DC like adults is expecting them to do so.

haveacupoftea · 15/01/2017 11:43

None of you are BU. He is an adult and your DH is right not to stress. But it is sweet that you worry. And your DS is a good lad for letting you know where he is.

Stop stressing and congratulate yourself on having a normal loving family.

pimmsy · 15/01/2017 11:45

I think I would probably worry if they were under 18 if I had no text.
I would not worry if they were between 18 and 22ish but .... If older than 23 I think I would sort of worry because I consider it just being polite to let someone know if you're not coming home.

If your son always texts to let you know if he's going to be out all night, and you didn't get a text, I can see why you would worry.

For example, my little brother is 22 and when he comes to stay with me in my city, I don't worry if I don't hear anything from him and he stays out all night. My elder sister is 28, and I would worry if she didn't come home while staying with me one evening without sending me a text, but only because it would be out of character, I think it's the right polite thing to do when you're staying with people. My brother although lovely is many other ways just isn't that polite yet!

aginghippy · 15/01/2017 11:47

YANBU at all. He knows you would worry and sent a quick text. It's a polite and considerate thing to do.

corythatwas · 15/01/2017 11:48

Basicbrown Sun 15-Jan-17 11:42:05
"Why would DD feel guilty cory? Is she unable to text and say 'I'll be back tomorrow'?"

Oh no. As I have explained (in several posts), that is absolutely what I expect. But it is also what the OPs ds did too. It's basic good manners.

It was if she thought I would still be worried that she would feel guilty.

JennyOnAPlate · 15/01/2017 11:49

I'd expect anyone who was living in my house to let me know if they were going to be away over night; it's just common courtesy. Otherwise how would you know when to start worrying? When they've been gone one night or a week?

Cheby · 15/01/2017 11:49

YANBU. I flat shared from age 18-30 with lots of different people over the years, and we would all drop one of the others a text if we werent coming home, just so they wouldn't worry. On occasion if one of us didn't come home unexpectedly (forgot to text or whatever), we would normally give them a call in the morning.

It's just looking out for each other, isn't it? I mean I would always assume it was fine, but we checked in just in case.

Basicbrown · 15/01/2017 11:53

Ah right I understand, yes absolutely. Sorry, getting confused about who wrote what

ImperialBlether · 15/01/2017 11:54

I remember talking on the phone to my daughter when she was in her first year at university. It was 11.45 pm and I was in bed chatting to her, when she suddenly shouted, "Won't be a minute!" to her friends downstairs - turned out they were just going out! I was safely under the illusion she was lying in bed ready for sleep - not sure why I thought that as I certainly wouldn't have been at her age.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 11:55

At 25 he should really come and go as he likes and you should accept that he isn't always home overnight. If you can't, perhaps he should be looking at getting his own place.

Original poster

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 11:57

My DH doesn't think I'm being unreasonable but he just says he's an adult and he will be fine. That's true but there are so many stories of people going out for a night out and something happening to them. If he stayed out with no contact at all I would panic, which is why he always gets in touch.

OP posts:

opinionatedfreak · 15/01/2017 12:00

I'm ancient but when I'm staying at my Dad's I always give him a rough idea of my plans and text if they change a lot eg. I stay over at a friends.

It is only polite.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/01/2017 12:04

My DD is 18 and lives at home with me, I haven't seen her since Friday ! She's texted me to ask if I'm ok and if I had a nice day with friends though .

PacificDogwod · 15/01/2017 12:04

You feel whatever you feel, so from that point of view YANBU.

However, I think if you have an adult child living with you, you need to make a conscious decision to see them as an adult and to detach a little bit.
He has every right to go out and stay out all night.
I think it is only considerate for him to say 'I might not come home until tomorrow' as he IS still living with you, but beyond that? It really is up to him.

Polite to share plans and to let you know about change of plans.
Worrying? That is your issue, not your DS's, and not your DH's.

sobeyondthehills · 15/01/2017 12:05

I left home at 16, got married had my own house, divorced and due to financial reasons ended up staying with my mum for a few months.

I was about 24/25 I let her know of my plans and if I was staying out. Didn't do it when I was married, don't do it now, but when I lived with her, she worried, I didn't get it at the time, but it was polite, I am sure I will be like it when DS is that age if still living with me

joystir59 · 15/01/2017 12:06

He is being respectful in letting you know he won't be home, but you would being unreasonable to expect more than that.

PacificDogwod · 15/01/2017 12:08

Your DS is at no more and no less risk from going out and staying out over night whether he lived with you or not.
The only difference is that if he did not live with you, you'd not have a clue what he is up to.

One day he will more out, I expect.
Will you fret about him?
If you think you might, address that now.
Living in fear about things that may or may NOT happen is miserable.

Cinnamon12345 · 15/01/2017 12:13

My mothers 76 and my grandfather still worries about her when she goes away for weekends..... it never ends

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 15/01/2017 12:16

He texted you to let you know he was staying at a friends, so what are you worrying about?? I actually don't get it.

Original poster

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 12:16

Of course if he didn't live at home I wouldn't expect to know what he was up to - I wouldn't tell him what I was up to unless I was going on holiday or for a night away. Obviously before mobile phones I would have no clue where he was.

OP posts:

Original poster

bumblebee50 · 15/01/2017 12:19

MarmiteDoesYouGood - I'm not worried because he text. My whole point is that my DH didn't know whether he had come home or not and didn't know where he was - I just can't be like that.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 15/01/2017 12:20

I think staying out all night is perfectly normal for a 25 year old man.

However, as a Mum, inside I would still be worrying I don't think Mums ever stop worrying about their children, do they?

I'm sure he's fine OP x

pocketsaviour · 15/01/2017 12:23

If I have anybody staying with me and then they decide to stay out all night, a text is polite. Depending on your door and key situation it may also enable you to lock it as opposed to leaving it open!

I don't think it's unusual that your DH wouldn't be worried, although I'd be interested whether he'd feel the same if you had a DD instead of a DS?

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