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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

367 replies

User100 · 14/01/2017 21:02

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

OP posts:
Sunbeam18 · 14/01/2017 22:35

I'd bloody hate the idea of having to check with someone before I bought something I wanted that was above a 'threshold'.

User100 · 14/01/2017 22:35

Arethereanyleftatall; "i would think you would only have a joint account if you need one. E.g. You need to budget, or a sahp who does the shopping, one party is crap with money, can't think of any others.
But if you don't need one e.g. Both have more coming in than going out, both generous and respectful, then there's no point getting a joint account."
To pay the mortgage, grocery etc out of. It's
just simpler if pay and expenses come out of one place. I'd say there's no point having two individual accounts.

OP posts:
hairypaws · 14/01/2017 22:35

We have a personal account each plus a joint account. My dh is the only one who puts money in the joint account but he earns a lot more than I do. We each pay specific things from our respective personal accounts but I can freely spend from the joint account. This is solely down to my hang up of being able to have independence from dh and he respects my feelings on this. There is no right or wrong, we're all individuals with our personal needs and wants. As long as it works for both who cares? Plus we are both completely open with our finances, I can't even explain why it's important to me, it just is.

User100 · 14/01/2017 22:38

Sunbeam - I don't need to check, obviously we discuss finances and make big decisions together but I don't check if I'm allowed to buy something
Tabbylady - I think surely if you trust someone you would have s joint account. What your describing just sounds like joint fiances with seperate back accounts?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/01/2017 22:38

I agree op with this question, why are you asking and being so obtuse about this? What difference does it make to you what works for others? You set up a direct debit or a standing order once, it's irrelevant what account number you use. It's not harder having seperate accounts and many of us like our financial independence.

Adnerb95 · 14/01/2017 22:38

I'm with you OP. Seems to me if you can't trust one another with joint money, it's not much of a relationship. We are a team - there are times when I have been the main breadwinner, others where DH has. All major financial decisions are made together - how could they not be? Minor spending is left to our individual discretion.
I know 3 couples where finances are held completely separate and in each case it seems to reflect a bit of "distance" when it comes to commitment.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/01/2017 22:42

Different spending power???

Where on earth did you get that from?

Go back and read the thread again, your questions have all been answered several times.

eurochick · 14/01/2017 22:42

We have a joint account for bills and household expenses but otherwise separate finances. We each put around 50% of our net salaries into the joint account. The rest is for us to spend/save as we like. The savings go towards big purchases like cars and houses. We are both quite high earners at the moment, so there is plenty to go around and no resentment.

We both have a similar attitude to money, which helps. We like good quality clothes and homewares that last. We both like gadgets and tech. He spends a bit on gaming; I have a space NK habit. We're not completely abstemious but not careless spenders either, and we both save quite a bit.

It's surely not that hard to understand that different set ups work for different people.

multivac · 14/01/2017 22:42

It's just simpler if pay and expenses come out of one place. I'd say there's no point having two individual accounts

It's simpler for you, apparently (does one of you earn much more than the other? Do you spend a lot? Are you anxious about savings/investments?)

It's sweet of you to be concerned, but we've managed just fine for quarter of a century, 12 years of that with children, running the same 'two individual accounts' we had when we met. It couldn't be less of an issue.

GreenRut · 14/01/2017 22:42

Separate accounts here, not really by design, just worked out that way. Most bills go from dh's account and I pay him the equivalent of my proportion of our joint salaries towards those bills. We're both high earners but he earns more so theoretically he has more left over to play with but we have a joint approach to any family spending. If we need something in the month, whoever can more easily pay for it just does, we swap money between accounts to tide eachother over if necessary. Works for us. No arguments about it at all.

User100 · 14/01/2017 22:42

Muktivac - "Aww, you really don't get 'joint finances', do you, OP?"
Seriously? We have one joint account that our income goes into and our spending comes out of. There are people on here who contributed 50% of bills out of debt when on maternity leave whilst DH built up savings but I'm the one that doesn't get joint finances? Would it care to explain?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/01/2017 22:43

Seems to me if you can't trust one another with joint money, it's not much of a relationship.

User100 · 14/01/2017 22:44

Adnerb95 - yes. Exactly that!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/01/2017 22:45

Op is your wife not happy with the joint account? Is that why you're being goady and deliberately not understanding?

Oblomov16 · 14/01/2017 22:45

We only have a joint account. It was only when I came to MN years ago, that I realised how many people had separate accounts and contributed a % to a joint. I was surprised.

User100 · 14/01/2017 22:48

arethereanyleftatall - there are people who have posted saying DH and DW earn differently then both continue 50% of joint expenses and spend the rest as they see fit. They therfore have radically different spending power.
Having just written this I feel I should clarify I mean disposable income not power in a relationship.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/01/2017 22:50

I was wondering that myself. Maybe someone's missus is tired of being asked where money is going maybe? You see that plenty on here as well.
You cant use threads on here as a reason for them when there are also threads on here (just been reading one) where it was a bad idea.

It doesn't matter. If it works then leave it alone.

multivac · 14/01/2017 22:50

My partner and I have exactly the same response to the phrase 'spending power', if that helps, OP Grin

"There are people on here who contributed 50% of bills out of debt when on maternity leave whilst DH built up savings "

That's not joint finances. But the reason has nothing to do with the lack of a joint account. D'you see?

User100 · 14/01/2017 22:51

Multivac - "It's simpler for you, apparently (does one of you earn much more than the other? Do you spend a lot? Are you anxious about savings/investments?)"

I literally just mean it's simpler as in when you check your bank balance to see if you can afford xyz you only have one account to log into online and check, and if you are sharing everything then why not have it in a shared account?

OP posts:
PussInCoutts · 14/01/2017 22:53

OP you do seem unreasonably wound up by other people's life choices that are different to your personal preferences.

Maybe worth asking yourself why what other couples do bothers you so much?

User100 · 14/01/2017 22:53

Bluntness - No. DW is equally as miffed as me. I'm not understanding because it just doesn't fit into my idea of what a marriage is on a fairly fundamental level.

OP posts:
multivac · 14/01/2017 22:54

" Do you spend a lot?"

This one, then, I guess.

Chocwocdoodah · 14/01/2017 22:55

With you, OP. It seems so odd to me to be married to someone and share your lives and children but wooooah, don't be touching my money! It just feels so "grabby".

minipie · 14/01/2017 22:55

I do think all earnings should be seen as "family money" - but that can be the case regardless of what account they are kept in.

Actually I think the real key is having a similar attitude/agreed rules about spending.

It's different attitudes to spending that seem to cause the arguments, regardless of where you happen to keep your money.

If DH was a spender and I was a saver, it wouldn't annoy me any less if he was frittering away money from "his own account" rather than a joint account. I'd still see it as a waste of "family money" even if it came from his own account.

peeinthepotty · 14/01/2017 22:56

Because I don't fancy relinquishing my financial independence Hmm

What business is it of yours anyway and why do you care so much?

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