to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

[User100]

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

Different things for different people. We've been together 23 years. Always had separate finances. We trust each other. Always worked for us. Joint finances presumes you don't trust each other?

Seperate accounts for me and dh. It never occurred to us to pool our money into one account when we got married. He pays the bills/mortgage and I pay everything else. Aside from our direct debits, our money is shared "take my card" is a frequent phrase in our house and I often open my purse to find his card in there

Bluntness100 I wonder if there's a joint direct debit set up for the judgey pants shop?

And yes user, as I described we have a joint account as well as individual accounts. It is possible to have multiple accounts and use them all differently, as I described above. Different people, different set ups. Relationships aren't all the same. Good relationships aren't all the same!

Why should my DH be on the me-and-my-siblings account? Why should I be on his saving-up-for-a-stag-do account? It's just money.

Also we had to take a bloody day of annual leave each to set up the joint account as the bank insisted we both went in together. It was a right pain in the arse and I can see why many people just don't bother!

Now stop being goady and have a

"There are people on here who contributed 50% of bills out of debt when on maternity leave whilst DH built up savings but I'm the one that doesn't get joint finances? Would it care to explain?"

I don't think there is anyone on here who said that was their own situation - one poster quoted that as an anecdote.

However, I think there's a few points you seem to be struggling with :

• plenty people have "joint finances" run from several bank accounts. I'm currently single but run 2 bank accounts, salary comes in to one, set amount for bills transferred to #2 account, the remainder is mine to play with for the month. If I started a relationship tomorrow, and pooled my finances with someone who had a similar attitude to money, we could have four bank accounts between us. The amount of bank accounts is not the issue.
• different people come to the relationship with different experiences. Those experiences will affect the future. Someone who was financially abused by a previous partner, for example, may address the issue of joint finances differently from someone without that experience.
• ultimately what works for you will work for some of the rest of us too, others may prefer a different way. Surely it's not difficult to see that some situations will just be "different" from yours, without either being right or wrong.

Multivac - "That's not joint finances. But the reason has nothing to do with the lack of a joint account. D'you see?"

Yes, I see there is a distinction. To seperate the issues;
1 - I think if you're married with kids it makes sense to have joint finances because most expenses are joint and because of what marriage is. By joint finances I mean not keeping track of who pays what, or each paying x% of bills, so the question "does DH pay half of childcare" for example just doesn't make sense.
2 - if that's the arrangement I see very little reason not to have a joint account (you don't have you're own money to keep seperately) bar minor points like not having bothered to set it up or wanting to buy presents as a surprise without then showing on a statement.

FWIW I feel far more strongly about 1 than 2 in my above post.

What's baffling when there are two equal earners?

DH and I both earn X. Equal.

We have an joint account where automatically we contribute half of all bills. Like mortgage childcare groceries etc. Rest is our own money.

Works a treat.

In the future my earnings will go up his will stay stable and the ratios of expenses will change. But the principle stays the same.

....Also, I don't think it matters WHERE the money is (ie - I can understand having joint and separate accounts so you can buy each other pressies without the other know, for example). It's the attitude of "I earn this much less than you therefore I should only pay 35% towards bills etc". I know a married couple who lend each other money - wtf?

I agree with OP, it sounds mad to me. Someone I know responded to a comment about something being great but expensive by saying " Doesn't matter, dh is buying it for me" I was like "But that's still your family money"

Dh and I had quite different ways of dealing with money, so I keep a separate account with a but of money for cash/spur of the moment things for the kids because the joint account is planned and worked out down to the last pound by him, leaving nothing for cash as he never uses it. But basically, all.money is joint. Since I don't earn much as mostly sahm I can't see how we would split bills etc anyway. It's mostly 'his' money but I am doing childcare which would cost money otherwise so it's never seen as 'his' money, it's ours.

Not married, no kids and we have a joint account. DP income is much higher than mine, but everything is paid into the joint account and each month we have 'pocket money' transferred into our own accounts. We both get the same amount. All things that are paid for out of the joint account are agreed by both of us (although I'm better at this than DP).
I get this works for us, but I'm sure it wouldn't more lots of others. To each their own and all that.

I had a joint account with my stbxh and when I left him (spur of the moment for safety reasons) he fucking emptied the lot, maxed out the overdraft, the lot.
I was homeless (me and two toddlers in a single bed in my mums box room) and penniless.
Never again.

Ah, there you go, OP - you do understand.

And you're just going to have to trust me when I say that it really isn't remotely a hassle without a joint account.

I think perhaps when you are living month to month, financially speaking, this whole business of "whose" the money is just isn't a thing. At all. The idea of 'checking the account to see if [you] can afford x/y/z' made me laugh; our disposable income is so slight as to make that notion ridiculous (and we are not in the lowest earning bracket, as a family, by any means).

Our relationship may not fit your idea of 'what a marriage is, fundamentally' OP (to be fair, it's 'not a marriage' for starters) - but it is so profoundly comfortable and trusting that really, you disappointment in us won't trouble me overly.

We didn't have a joint account. I paid all the bills so my husband transferred money to my account every month. We looked into having a joint account for bills, but couldn't find a bank that would do this for us without having our salaries paid in.
My parents have always had a joint account, both working, professionals. My mother told me not to do this.

I don't work, just have redundancy money. All tax credits etc go into my account tho. All bills cone out of my account. DH gives me half of bill money plus a little each month for Ds's account which covers his clothes, toys etc. It works for us cos o like the independence of spending my money without feelingvloke o need to tell him. Also I neurotically chart my expenses on a spreadsheet and he takes a more lax view. If o demanded a lost of his expenses twice a week so I could spreadsheet them I'd drive him potty

The way I see it, a good marriage functions like ideal communism the way Mr Marx envisioned it: 'From each according to his/her ability, to each according to his/her needs'.

How the accounts are divided or united has fuck all to do with joint finances. It's all about mutual agreement and trust.

DH & I have been together 23 years, married 3 years, lived together for 12 years before marriage BUT we only have have a joint account for large purchases. DH pays the mortgage & the bills ( he earns 3 x what I do) & I pay for the household shopping, my car & all my own expenses. All of DS expenses are shared equally by both of us. It works for us but I'm very aware it's not the norm. This all stemmed from DH paying maintenance for DSS & him wanting to protect my income (old CSA system) & me working part time after we had DS. To be honest neither of us have lost out - we pay for holidays, nights out, weekends away between us & we both still have almost equal money left after everything is paid. We have never argued about money & DH has always made sure DSS & DS are treated exactly the same.

My main worry when people only have sole accounts (and I come at this having worked in high street banking for 11 years) is when something happens to one of you which means you can't access your account (like hospitalisation, stroke, heart attack, and sadly even death) and the other partner can't then access what they need to - direct debits, standing orders, savings which are thought of as 'joint' but only held on one name etc.

We have a mixture of joint accounts and sole accounts (all our current accounts are joint but we have individual credit cards, some small 'savings' accounts, and I have a sole account purely for maintenance for the DCs from my previous marriage which is purely spent on extras for them). It's all based on trust. My DH earns almost double the amount I do, he pays most of the mortgage and the bills and I pay for all the food. I too find it odd that people can be together years but not have a joint account at all, but each to their own.

There are many arguments for and against (as evidenced by this thread) but as long as it works for you I don't see a real problem.

I do feel for those people in clearly inequitable relationships though, who are overdrawn on a monthly basis whilst their partner continues to be 'flush'. Just makes me sad.

Gamerchick, your 'postman' comment, though lighthearted, reinforces the idea that people keep money separate because they don't 100% trust their partner with their money want 'running away money'.

Multivac - that's my whole point, the question of "whose" money it is shouldn't be a question. I don't understand therefore questions like "does your DH pay half the childcare". The rest is all admin (even if it's in one name it's a joint account in effect if both people can access it and spend from it I just think it's easier if either if you can go to the sort out admin etc). In starting to think for all our arguing we perhaps aren't so far apart?

OP you do seem unreasonably wound up by other people's life choices that are different to your personal preferences.

^ this.

Why does it matter to you?

My parents have separate accounts and have been happily married for over 50 years.

Not sure what your issue is.

In starting to think for all our arguing we perhaps aren't so far apart

Yes, but in focusing on the 'joint account' issue, I think you are asking the wrong question. As plenty of posters have pointed out - it's not about where the money is. It's about the mutual understanding of joint finances.

Multivac - that's a fair point. I hadn't really considered having an account for joint finances that was in one name; my juxtaposition was having a joint account vs having an account that's my money and I get to use it as I want.

Separate accounts here. My wages are my wages. I spend them on whatever the hell I like. I will never in my life share finances. We pay half the bills each and the rest we have to do with as we please.

I just don't think about money like that, OP. And neither does my partner. I guess, in effect, we have two 'joint accounts' - one in my name, and the other in his. And as I say, given the level of income and outgoings we are working with, that really isn't an admin headache in the least!

We have been together from age 21. We have always had separate bank accounts. Both v chilled about money so it's never been an issue.