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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

367 replies

User100 · 14/01/2017 21:02

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/01/2017 22:08

if you have anything beyond the most basic finances (some bills, maybe rent/mortgage and normal outgoings) then it's irrational to have everything joint.

That must make us very irrational then. We've been married for well over 30 years and have always had everything in common. For tax or other practical reasons sometimes one asset or account has been in my name or my husband's, but as far as we are both concerned what's mine is his and vice versa.

I find the idea that one party to a marriage would have a lot more spending money than the other one very odd indeed. We are in agreement that spending a lot on gifts to each other is not necessary - we'd both rather spend money on holidays, occasional day trips or meals out, and other things we can do together. We discuss big purchases together but for smaller items we each just spend what we want.

However, this works for us because we have a very similar approach to money, and we also trust each other absolutely (and we had almost nothing when we first met as students). If one of us was a spender and the other a saver, or if the marriage was a bit flaky, then our approach would be a disaster. I can also see that if we'd met much later in life it might have been a different story.

Helloitsme87 · 14/01/2017 22:09

My OH earns triple what I do. I have enabled his career by following him around the country for the last few years. We recently moved back to our hometown and I'm in a job that is part time and works around the children. I also have savings (separate from OH) that have allowed us to buy two houses. This belongs to both of us.
We have a joint account and pay ourselves a sum of money each a month. The rest goes into joint.

HeCantBeSerious · 14/01/2017 22:09

We don't share a name either.

multivac · 14/01/2017 22:09

'Genuinely insane'? Really?

You don't need a joint account to understand joint finances. Assuming, of course, that you are in the kind of relationship where you definitely do understand joint finances. If not, then a joint account is a handy, if rather blunt, way of approaching it, I suppose.

kel12345 · 14/01/2017 22:12

We would but we don't own our own home yet, and I'm a student living off my student loan.
Hopefully in the future we will combine finances. But right now it's just not feasible for us to do so

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/01/2017 22:12

Shared finances, separate accounts here too. I like my independence, including financial independence. We have two dc and are completely open about what's in each other's accounts and discuss large items of expenditure which comes out of a joint savings account. Works fine for us.

nocake · 14/01/2017 22:12

OP, you ask what you're missing. It seems that you're missing the ability to see anyone else's point of view. Just because something works for you and your wife doesn't mean it will, or should, work for anyone else. Believing that it should is very narrow minded.
I'm not going to tell you how our finances work other than to say it's not the same as yours and it works perfectly well without the admin being a pain.

AverysillyoldHector · 14/01/2017 22:13

DH and I have never had a joint account. We've never had a cross word about money, it works perfectly well for us. I like having my own account and he likes having his. If the OP thinks that is insane, I have no idea why....

TheCakes · 14/01/2017 22:13

My husband and I have different attitudes to spending. We pay equally into the joint account then keep what's left as our own.
If we have to agree every purchase we end up falling out. It's not worth it.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/01/2017 22:14

Yabvvvu, just because you find it strange does not make it wrong. It works for a lot of people.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs · 14/01/2017 22:14

I guess it's like communism. The theory is perfect but in reality people take advantage and the system breaks down

But you can also say that separate finances is like full on capitalism, everyone looking after themselves. But the reality is that people do take advantage too and the system breaks down, for example by asking a woman on ML to pay the same than when she was working for her to struggle financially whilst he has plenty of spare cash in the bank.

Some people will abuse the system it doesn't matter which system it is.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs · 14/01/2017 22:18

For me, a joint account is the easiest way to approach joint finances. No wondering about how much each of us is putting in the kitty.
No wondering if one of us has more spare cash than the other. No counting.

BUT we do totally trust each other money wise. No one feels like they have to put some money aside for themselves, with their name on. Savings might be with one name or the other. But it's OURS not mine or his.

Longislandicetee · 14/01/2017 22:19

we have both joint and sole current and savings accounts but think of everything as joint. We don't have a formula for how much we each pay into the joint. I think it's meant to be so that it roughly leaves us both with the same amount of spending money but it's swings and roundabouts. I was keen to keep sole accounts having met someone whose ex cleaned out the account before she left him. He was a shadow of himself.

Everyone does things differently but I confess that I do find it slightly odd when couples don't know how much each other earns as I am not sure you make financial decisions (eg major purchase like a house or car) and ensure you that the fruits or burdens of your labours are equally shared.

User100 · 14/01/2017 22:20

So there seem to be very broadly two answers;
1 - money is paid into a joint account but you both take x out to your own account to spend guilt free, on present for OH etc (i.e. you have the same amount of personal money each) which I can kind of see.
2 - you each contribute from your income x towards joint expenses (i.e. you each contribute the same amount however much you earn and the higher earner keeps any difference) which u still don't get. How do you build a life with someone who has such different spending power to you?

OP posts:
newmobile · 14/01/2017 22:20

Halves on all bills and separate bank accounts. Equality alive and well in 2017 in our household.

londonrach · 14/01/2017 22:22

Separate accounts and a joint that pays the bills. Dh pays into our joint for mortage etc. I pay for food etc as im better at day to day stuff. We probably pay about the same. Works for us. I like the freedom of having control of money.

OllyBJolly · 14/01/2017 22:23

Completely separate finances in this marriage. I earn a lot more but have two DDs although both now left home. Didn't seem fair that DH paid for them so suited us to have separate accounts. We now pay same amount into a bills account for household expenses.

Works for us and no signs of insanity

londonrach · 14/01/2017 22:24

We do discuss big purchases

multivac · 14/01/2017 22:24

Aww, you really don't get 'joint finances', do you, OP?

multivac · 14/01/2017 22:25

By the way, neither of those scenarios fits how we work, with our total lack of joint account.

PussInCoutts · 14/01/2017 22:26

YABU - each to their own, the couple decides what's best for them.

Can't see why it is anyone else's business what other people do in their marriage.

My DPs have been married for over 40 years and have separate accounts and finances, always. DM likes to buy things, DF is a scrooge. It works for them fantastically. Mind you both always worked full time so have had separate incomes.

I can't ever imagine sharing account with my partner unless I become a millionaire. I like to keep my financial independence. I also don't want to start fretting about what my partner spends his money on. He buys way too many DVDs to my liking but I don't have to care about the money aspect as it's rightfully his. The ever diminishing shelf space is antagonising enough

gamerchick · 14/01/2017 22:27

I think from what I can glean from this thread that pooled finances people seem to think that separate finances people have one half rolling in it and the other poor and struggling.

Doesn't work like that in my house, despite separate accounts. Maybe stop thinking in black and white terms.

Also OP if your wife ever runs off with the postman, taking your kids and clearing out the bank account... Come back and we'll have this conversation again Wink

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2017 22:31

How do you build a life with someone who has such different spending power to you

WizardOfToss · 14/01/2017 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tabbylady · 14/01/2017 22:34

How do you build a life with someone who has such different spending power to you?

Because you trust them and they trust you to be fair? I wouldn't want to build a life with someone where I had to monitor all of their finances to make sure I was being treated fairly. If there was a big wage discrepancy I'd make sure he wasn't going without (e.g. petrol, his elaborate hipster-brewed morning coffees) and I trust he'd do the same.

My DH spends money on stuff I'm not interested in and vice versa. The sky has as yet not fallen in.