to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

[User100]

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

I dont think you get it Alwaysknackered, the whole point is, none of us who work our finances this way need to have a conversation about who pays for what, or any need to insist on only paying half. It's all much more laid back than that - we dont need a joint account for it to feel fair.

It's very odd the way people seem to get so worked up thinking that there is only one proper way to organise money within a marriage. Your way works fine for you, our way works fine for us. Neither way is better, it's just a case of what suits.

I had to leave spur of moment only had a joint account he phoned the bank and told them my card was stolen so they cancelled it I only found out when I went to use it!

To be fair though Lowland, this has nothing to do with you having a joint account. Cancelling your card was malicious but he could just as easily have cancelled your Debit Card on a sole account of yours by calling the bank. No security is needed to cancel someone's card, anyone can cancel anyone's just by giving the name and address and saying 'X asked me to call, they lost their card' - no questions would be asked.

Always post of 23.57.
Nope, never had any such conversation in all my twenty years of being with dh.
Whoever pays, it doesn't matter. And if one of us was ever short, (rarely) we'd say to the other, 'can you transfer £x in to my account.' And they'd say 'yes'.

Me and DP live together and own our house jointly.
We have a joint account we pay into each month for bills and mortgage etc and a joint savings account.
We also have our own separate accounts

We have our own accounts. We have been together since we were quite young and for many years dh was shit with money and had an awful credit score, I didn't want him to muck up mine! All the 'important big' bills like council tax, rent, gas etc go out of mine and he has a standing order for half all that plus extra every month. I buy most of the food and house things but he pays for the car, gets big items for the house, we split the childcare. It just works for us. We don't view our money as our own; its ours and for the family.

DH and I have been together 19 years.

We have our own bank accounts. We both earn similar amounts (he earns slightly more than me, but not enough to matter hugely), and so we have a joint account that we put an equal amount in which covers household expenses - bills, childcare etc. We also have a shared savings account that we put the same amount into.

I pay for groceries. He pays for takeout and restaurant food. As a rule, one night a week we'll either get lazy takeout or will have a date night (he also pays for babysitters).

We have no fixed rule for holidays, but we probably pay 50/50. I guess with clothes and other stuff for the kids which isn't a fixed regular amount, if it's a small thing we both randomly throw in our own money or sometimes we'll transfer it from the joint savings account, which we both put a fair amount in. And we've never really argued and I think, again, it seems to work out.

We pay for our own cars, phones, clothes, hobbies etc. I prefer it that way. I cringe when I see people talking on MN about how their DH spent 'family money' on something they don't approve of. We have family money which covers our family bills, but once that's covered, if DH wants to blow £100 on a pair of trainers, or I want to blow £80 on a new lens for my camera then as long as the bills are paid and the kids are fed, then that's our own call. I'd hate to feel like I needed to justify how I spend my money that I earn as an adult. And it is my money. I got married. I didn't become part of a gestalt entity. I also really like not having to feel like I'm responsible for another adult's spending.

Obviously, other people do things differently and that's great, but we've been perfectly happy doing it this way for 19 years so I figure we can't be getting it all wrong.

No I don't get it - if it genuinely doesn't matter what money comes out of which one of yours accounts then why have two separate accounts at all!

No security is needed to cancel someone's card, anyone can cancel anyone's just by giving the name and address and saying 'X asked me to call, they lost their card' - no questions would be asked.

. Mil had her handbag stolen and bank refused to cancel the card when her Daughter phoned up, they insisted on speaking to mil. (Barclays) I've also been unable to cancel my husbands card on his behalf, he was working away and lost it and didn't have the paperwork with his details on him, bank wouldn't cancel it without speaking to him (Halifax)
is it different between banks? I wouldn't bank with one who needed no more than an address to cancel people's cards. Way way to easy to be abused, not just by angry spouses but also by fraudsters who can wait for new cards to arrive and intercept.

separate accounts. I control the money, DP has standing order paying his half of bills etc into my account. he has no real interest in the money side of things and I prefer to know what's going where.

separate accounts. I control the money, DP has standing order paying his half of bills etc into my account. he has no real interest in the money side of things and I prefer to know what's going where.

I personally think people who close down their individual bank accounts and have just a joint one are the odd ones!

I'm with Strongmummy in having a joint account for family/household expenses that is in addition to the individual accounts, not a replacement for them. When our children grow up and not leave home, as is their current stated intention, they can contribute to it too.

An equal marriage is not dependent upon pooling your resources just because you are married, it's about being an individual within the marriage unit, about mutual and self-respect, about knowing that you are contributing without compromising your individuality, and about having that contribution acknowledged.

So long as you both agree with the way that you do things, there is no right or wrong.

I think you're confounding two separate issues here:

1. Having a joint account/separate accounts or a combination. We have a joint account, all bills and spending come from this account. It suits us partly because we have similar incomes and partly because we are lucky in not having to count our spending too closely. If we had little left over each month after bills then we would need a way to split the remaining funds, otherwise we'd end up arguing over fairly small spends like going out for lunch at work. And separate accounts are easier than tracking the minutiae of spending from one account.

1. When someone says I won't have any salary left after paying for childcare, so I can't/won't be going back to work. In most cases people actually mean 'we, as a household, would be worse off if I worked' but haven't expressed that as clearly as they could. In a few cases there are relationships where the woman seems to have to pay for everything child related, but that isn't the norm and borders on being financially abusive. I think that the responses you get on MN of 'why isn't your DH paying half of the childcare costs' are normally people being deliberately obtuse.

Salaries into separate accounts, payment into joint account to cover joint expenses plus commuting costs. Both left with same spending money. We both earn good wages do we really don't quibble about who pays for the odd night out as it's not material.

Equally neither of us is mean, so if one of us had a lot of personal expenses the other would happily pay more discretionary stuff, or back when we weren't as flush give (not lend) some extra cash.

We have a joint account which we pay a set amount into per month for groceries, miscellaneous joint spending and stuff for our DD. We get paid into our own accounts and each pay the bills 50/50 out of those. Can't really see how this is insane each to their own and this works for us.

No security is needed to cancel someone's card, anyone can cancel anyone's just by giving the name and address and saying 'X asked me to call, they lost their card' - no questions would be asked.

Not my experience - I had my bag taken when on field work - my parents couldn't cancel the card for me - needed them to get information from my paper work for later and they were trying to help. I had to talk directly to them as I was the account holder - That was HSBC.

When someone says I won't have any salary left after paying for childcare, so I can't/won't be going back to work. In most cases people actually mean 'we, as a household, would be worse off if I worked' ... I think that the responses you get on MN of 'why isn't your DH paying half of the childcare costs' are normally people being deliberately obtuse.

^^ This.

We have separate accounts to receive salary and to save and one joint household expenses account. All of our savings are separated because we make more interest using our full investment ISA/regular savings allowances.

tabbylady you rock

100 percent agree with OP. No his and her money for us, we pool our income into one account - all money is 'ours' so it doesn't really matter who earns what. Most of the stuff we buy is for something shared so it makes it simpler if there is just one bank account to manage. Expensive items like a car we would go out and buy together but everyday personal items we just go and buy. I really don't get why you would need to have seperate accounts - doesn't it get complicated?

Never had to argue over who laid for what meal, it just happens as it happens and if one of us felt hard done by wed talk about it as adults.

Re spends on DC, strangely he does have his pwn accpunt although it's actually in my name. His CB and DLA go on there, plus a not of money from us both each month. Clothes, toys, classes come out of it as well as my travel (as my travel is primarily hospital appts, play group etc). If we were low on money for bills I'd take it from this account tho

How complicated Angelina? He wants something, he uses his wages to buy it

We don't have a joint account however money is joint, we transfer money to each others account if needed, we both pay bills, buy food etc.

When we married (34years) we converted DH account to a joint account which he administers .All income either of us has ever earned (it has varied over the years who earnt more,but initially DH earned twice what I did) goes into it and all bills ,including our joint credit card, were and are paid out of it .He also administers all our various savings accounts .I know our income and outgoings and roughly how much we have in savings and how to access each account, though I never do .Savings are split 50:50 for tax and other reasons .
I have a lump sum paid into my own account from the joint account twice a year (I prefer this to a monthly figure)I've always had my own account .It's entirely up to me what I use it for ,but I do stick to our agreed sum.If I felt I needed more I would say so .pBut I also use the joint credit card/account quite freely .In the days when we had to be more careful with money we would discuss expenditure a lot more.
While I agree its possible to have joint finances without a joint account I do think it's pysychologically much easier to regard all assets as joint if they all go into and out of the same account initially even if you also have individual accounts . I cannot conceive of one partner having more disposable income than the other for 'personal' expenditure even if they earn considerably more and especially if you have children together .To me that is not partnership .
Incidentally it is my husband's choice not to have a separate account .He would mention it if he was thinking of a major piece of personal expenditure (a recent piece of 'equipment'for a hobby for example)but I'm pretty sure he spends a lot less on himself generally than I do.But that is his choice .
We both have very similar attitudes to money which is probably the key .

I don't think it matters whether it's a joint account or separate ones. The key issue is that both have access to any savings and have an equal amount of individual money irrelevant to their level of earnings.

We pool our money when paid and deduct what is needed for bills, childcare, savings etc. Then the remainder is split 50:50 and goes into personal accounts. I would feel very uncomfortable paying for a spa day from 'joint' money and DH would feel uncomfortable buying a computer game. This way we both have equal spending money which we can spend as we wish with no discussion with the other. I think that's fair and helps us retain some financial independence :)

If you have entirely separate accounts yet rely on your dhs contribution to get by eg he pays mortgage etc please google lasting powers of attorney. If something happened so he (or you) were incapacitated the other of you won't be able to access the account without the delay and expense of going to court to apply for a deputyship.

Not a problem if you have joint accounts but I have professionally seen this happen and it makes an awful time even worse.