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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no dsc this weekend?

243 replies

DontGoRhiannonStay · 13/01/2017 21:58

Dp has a ds (14) and a dd(13). He and I have a ds (23 months) We normally get dsc EOW. Ds has been pretty ill, he spent a few weeks in hospital, he is came home on Wednesday. He is very weak still, he isn't himself and we have been told to avoid him picking up any bugs while he recovers if we can.
Dsd has apparently been sick all week and is still being sick tonight, so dp and I decided that we would have to make the horrible decision not to have them to stay this weekend. i suggested dp take them
Out for the day tomorrow is dsd feels a bit better but he said he is too worried he will pick up this sickness bug and ds will be poorly again and probably end up back in hospital. We don't know what to do without hurting their feelings but at the same time at the moment my unwell little baby comes first. I really don't want to see him so ill again. Aibu?

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 14/01/2017 12:35

BillSykes I completely agree with you. There's no way I would knowingly put anyone's child at risk of serious illness. I would also want my child staying with me if they were ill.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 12:39

If we are going back to the OP, the title alone indicates she expects to just tell her DH's Ex that they won't have them this weekend. Then she suggested her DH takes his older children out for the day 'if DSD is feeling better'. That is not organising other care for the weekend, therefore she IS assuming their Mum will just have to keep them.

I have NO problem with her wanting to keep anyone & everyone away from her sick/vulnerable toddler. I have every problem with both of them thinking this becomes his Ex's problem and they can just tell her he's not having them this weekend. Admirably she's worried about not upsetting the older children, but I don't think that's the issue here at all, they would hopefully understand, to me the issue is the expectation that they can just tell the NRP they aren't having them this weekend. It's a responsibility, not an option.

SheldonCRules · 14/01/2017 12:39

So they needed a two parent family and rather than that be the both of you (so they are with at least one parent) it's fell to the grandparents who are obviously a lot older to deal with.

Maybe it's best they do stay with their grandparents, they appear to be the only adults in their life that want them.

Lariflete · 14/01/2017 12:43

No of course not. But it's too much of a simplification to saythat you couldn't call your boss and tell them that you couldn't work as your ex's child was ill when that wouldn't actually be the case.

Crowdblundering · 14/01/2017 12:43

I dunno - I am step parent and my own kids have a step mum.

We have had the DSDs when they have been ill (tbh the worst thing was when they kept coming with nits) and it is a bit of a pain in the arse (and for their mum if she has made plans) but the main thing should be what is best for the kids and what they want.

They might want to stay at home if ill - but if not it's the risk you take - they are his kids too abd should be just important to him.

Nothing a bit of good hand washing for germ spread prevention.

user1467976192 · 14/01/2017 12:45

Sheldon you don't know shit, I wasn't with him when they were taken into care due to abuse. We see them regularly and they enjoy the time.

However they have additional needs they also have this with school if they moved in with us they would lose this additional support in school due to having to change schools and the assessing would begin again. Am I meant to fight a battle knowing it would be detrimental to two children's education?

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 12:46

Annie I see what you are saying, however, I didn't get that impression from the post. I do think we all read things into posts from our own experience..especially when there is little information to go on initially.

slipslidingaway88 · 14/01/2017 12:48

Complete reasonable. They don't need to be there that weekend. Offer to swap. They don't live there full time and contact arrangements get changed all the time because one child has a sporting match or whatever. Surely the health and well being of one is a very good reason to swap a weekend.

SheldonCRules · 14/01/2017 12:51

God forbid he moved house so they could stay in their schools .....

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 12:53

I would also want my child staying with me if they were ill

We don't all have that option, do we? So like any decent parent, we make appropriate arrangements and get on with it. It seems only non-resident fathers get to opt out of parenting, however, because they have the child's mother to take responsibility for them.

user1484317265 · 14/01/2017 12:54

What would you do if they were your own children? Or if they lived with you full time?

Could have guessed this would be an early, inane, response.

What would you do if they could fly, or if they suddenly exploded? Just as relevant. Hmm They aren't her own children, and they don't live there full time, so its easier for her to keep her sick baby safe. Thats a good thing, not a reason to whine about treating step children differently.

user1467976192 · 14/01/2017 12:57

So we can live in an area we can't afford, good call they would lose their support if they were homeless.

plus try telling a child with autism he has to change where he lives again. The children are settled they enjoy their visits and they aren't the only kids in the world that don't live with their dad

Besides I don't know if I intend to stay. I am sick of people like you Sheldon who judge without knowing the situation

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 12:59

needsahalo You've got a massive chip on your shoulder. My husband's ex is vile and selfish..I don't however make sweeping generalisations about RP mothers because of my personal experience. You aren't helping your point of view to come across well if you say stupid things like that.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 13:03

I'm sorry, Annie how the fuck do you know what I can afford? I'm saying I'd try my very best to help facilitate a solution because I'm a good person. That's really all there is to it. I wouldn't just say "well it's not my problem so I don't care about your baby". And excuse my mistake, yes a toddler is clearly far less important than a little baby Hmm

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 13:08

Stupid things like what, exactly?

I have a chip on my shoulder because I expect my ex to take responsibility for his children?

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 13:10

Bluebird, one solution to this is the father takes responsibility for all 3 of his children. Why is that unreasonable?

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 14/01/2017 13:13

What does their mum say? Your suggestion of him taking them out for the day seems a good compromise. Your DS has been in hospital so an ill child who doesn't have to be there shouldn't be.

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 13:14

It seems only non-resident fathers get to opt out of parenting, however, because they have the child's mother to take responsibility for them Stupid things like that Hmm

Empress13 · 14/01/2017 13:16

Think some are missing the point it's not that dad doesn't want to pick up bug himself it's that he doesn't want to pass it on to DS. He may as well have them to stay as take them out in that case.

No OP YANBU

Empress13 · 14/01/2017 13:19

Oh I do love MN !

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 13:19

According to this thread, it's a fact! It is perfectly fine to expect the mother to deal with this issue. Isn't that what's being said? That the mother shouldn't have anything else to do other than manage a sick teenager when said teenager should be in the care of her father? That the mother is a cunt if she doesn't cancel whatever else she has to do? That's the bottom line.

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 13:24

Exactly Empress..as I mentioned up thread, a determination to willfully misinterpret the OP and husband's concerns to being feckless and shirking responsibility to the poor hard done by RP.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 13:25

Bluebird. You were the blithely saying you'd change your plans, I merely said it was great if you could afford to do that for your Ex's new child, not everyone can. If you can't either, then it makes your first comment rather pointless...if you couldn't actually do what you said you would do...

slipslidingaway it's fine to ASK. it's not fine to assume that their mum will be able or willing to care for the children when it is his weekend. She is entitled to make plans of her own on the 2/14 days their father has responsibility for them. He gets 12/14 days where he doesn't have to be responsible for them, she gets 2/14 days.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 14/01/2017 13:28

needs I said in my previous comment that their father should be the one to sort out the childcare if he can't have them.

HubrisComicGhoul · 14/01/2017 13:54

I see this as the DH's problem to solve. If he can solve it by speaking to his ex and arranging a weekend swap or some sort of compromise then that is fantastic. If not, he needs to make different arrangements. At no point should this involve putting a sick 2 year old at risk, but the argument that he has 3 children is valid and he needs to sort it.

And I did assume from the OP that she thinks it's a valid option to just say "we aren't having them this week" which is unacceptable and seems to have got some poster's backs up. This might not be what she means, but it does come across that way.