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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no dsc this weekend?

243 replies

DontGoRhiannonStay · 13/01/2017 21:58

Dp has a ds (14) and a dd(13). He and I have a ds (23 months) We normally get dsc EOW. Ds has been pretty ill, he spent a few weeks in hospital, he is came home on Wednesday. He is very weak still, he isn't himself and we have been told to avoid him picking up any bugs while he recovers if we can.
Dsd has apparently been sick all week and is still being sick tonight, so dp and I decided that we would have to make the horrible decision not to have them to stay this weekend. i suggested dp take them
Out for the day tomorrow is dsd feels a bit better but he said he is too worried he will pick up this sickness bug and ds will be poorly again and probably end up back in hospital. We don't know what to do without hurting their feelings but at the same time at the moment my unwell little baby comes first. I really don't want to see him so ill again. Aibu?

OP posts:
Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 11:53

Chipping No I don't but where has the OP said that's what they are going to do? Where has the OP said that the mother has to cancel her plans? How do you know that maybe this hasnt come up in the past and the parents handled it in the same way? The OP had said nothing about shirking responsibilities. Maybe there aren't any grandparents to step in. Posters are just assuming the OP and father don't want to deal with it and just expecting the mother too..reading so much into one post and of course assuming the worst as it is a NRP situation.

BillSykesDog · 14/01/2017 11:53

A day off work is less of a priority than making an infant seriously ill. Not wanting to look after your kids when you're feeling a bit shit is less of a priority than making an infant seriously ill.

It's just basic human decency that most things are less of a priority than not making an infant seriously ill.

I honestly wonder what the mentality is of a person who would say an adult feeling off colour and fancying a break is more important than the health of an infant. And, let's be honest, if the Dad cancelled his contact because he was feeling ill the same people would be screaming blue murder that he should man up and get on with it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 11:55

It is NOT up to a young teen who is puking up to decide what needs to happen in this situation. She needs looking after by one of her parents. It is her fathers responsibility to look after her this weekend. 2/14 he has RESPONSIBILITY for his older children - 2/14. He has 3 children, not one and 'grandparent type care' for the older two. The other parent who has responsibility 12/14, is not 'default' parent the other two days, who has to drop her plans if 2/14 is too much for a mere man to sort out FFS.

BarbarianMum · 14/01/2017 11:57

But he doesn't have to "disregard his baby's health" does he? He just needs to make an effort and find a solution, rather as if he would if his older kids were living with him.

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2017 11:59

"The other parent who has responsibility 12/14, is not 'default' parent the other two days, who has to drop her plans if 2/14 is too much for a mere man to sort out FFS."

Of course not. But are you saying that it is unreasonable for one parent to say to the other parent "Is there any way the children can stay with you this weekend because I have a seriously ill baby in this house at the moment?"

BillSykesDog · 14/01/2017 12:00

Yes, and that solution could well be asking your ex if just for one weekend they could keep the kids at home so your baby doesn't get seriously ill. And most decent human beings would say yes, because I don't want a baby to get seriously ill.

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 12:03

user1467976192 You won't find it here I'm afraid.
There's been so much projection over one post it's ridiculous.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 12:11

ovaries. So if his ex works alternate weekends is she supposed to call in sick to look after her DD because her Ex is too worried he might get it and might give it to his other child! Seriously? Her DAD gets to choose not to look after her because she's sick & it's not convenient?

Bluebird. Firstly, it's a toddler, not 'a tiny baby'. I'm not comparing what they need, but they both need looking after. They are both his children. Arranging alternative care for his oldest DD, palming her off, when she's sick, to others...no, I wouldn't do that. I'd look after her, I'd practise very strict hygiene and do my best to avoid getting it. It's great you could afford to risk losing your job calling in sick for your Ex's subsequent children, it's great if you could afford not to use flight tickets to see your partner to accommodate your ex, it's great if you have other siblings to visit elderly parents or whatever, but perhaps not every Ex can. Nor should they have to.

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 14/01/2017 12:15

Bluebell I was replying to your GENERAL FFS post, I wasn't talking specifically about the OP.

May09Bump · 14/01/2017 12:15

It's one weekend (presuming you are normally good about contact) after a horrible time with your little one in hospital, give yourself a break and take the weekend off.

They are also older children, so you can rationalise with them more than if they were little. You can explain that you have been stressed, probably had little sleep, Dr's have advised keeping bugs away and you should be back to normal soon. I'm sure they will understand and most will be protective of their smaller sibling.

Hope all gets back to normal soon and LO recovers well!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 12:19

Bertrand

I have said since the beginning that is totally fine TO ASK, it is NOT totally fine to just inform (the RP that the NRP won't be having them this weekend).

timeisnotaline · 14/01/2017 12:20

I guess user### you haven't addressed the question of if your dps ex has plans, so none of us can tell if you are a reasonable person who sees that it might not work for her and your dh has to make alternate arrangements, or if you don't care because your baby has been sick. of course a reasonable person would ask to swap weekends (swap not just skip) , but there may be reasons she doesn't want to or can't.

NotYoda · 14/01/2017 12:23

Totally agree about consulting the step children

Of course YANBU to worry, but I think it's really pertinent to ask what you'd do if they were your own biological children. As they are your DHs

My guess (of course I can't know this), is that if spoken to by their dad, they'd help you all come up with a plan

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 12:23

A day off work is less of a priority than making an infant seriously ill

2 years old is not an infant. Regardless, as I said up thread 'sorry, boss, I can't work today because my ex's child is ill'

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 12:24

We're not talking about snuffly colds here...the toddler has been in HOSPITAL for a few weeks..it's serious. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with the OP and husband discussing alternative arrangements with the mother to minimise the risk of making things worse. That is what a normal co-parenting relationship does. For some reason people are ASSUMING the OP is just expecting the mother to step in..she hasn't said that at all..in fact she has said nothing about what the relationship is like between them all. Posters seem to be just naturally assuming it's bad and non-communicative which is very sad really.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/01/2017 12:25

My dsd always used to prefer to stay at her main 'home' when she was ill anyway. It's where they have all their things around them and feel most comfortable. This isn't a normal scenario at all. I always tell 17yo dsd that our home is hers (she has a front door key), which she appreciates the sentiment, but in reality I know she feels she has one - main - home. And when she's ill she always says she doesn't want to give her bug to her little brother/ sister. Teenagers are very capable of understanding situations when you have a close and understanding relationship.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 12:26

May09bump. Really!? 'It's ok to take the weekend off'?! He gets to choose when he is and isn't his older two children's Dad? He is responsible for his two older children 2/14, their Mum responsible for THEIR children, the ones they BOTH decided to have 12/14, but you thinjmits 'OK' if he wants to 'take the weekend off'. Yes, you can rationalise with them, good, great. But rationalising isn't going to look after them, that'll be their Mum. The one with sole care 12/14 who might like a say in this!

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 12:26

My FFS post was specifically about this thread..it wasn't a general post.

YorkiesGlasses · 14/01/2017 12:27

What would you do if they were your own children? Or if they lived with you full time?

This question always comes up on these threads and it's so rigid and silly. I have Asperger's and I manage to not be so rigid in my thinking! They have two homes. They will not be homeless. If they have a contagious illness and can avoid making their sibling ill, then surely staying in their mothers home is the sensible choice?

If they were my children I'd rather they stayed at home anyway instead of being shuttled around by car (is there anything more likely to make a nauseous person vomit?) Sick people need rest, they don't need to be worrying about fulfilling their visitation arrangements.

Why are people arguing that their mother doesn't want them this weekend? Is the OP posting under another name?

NotYoda · 14/01/2017 12:27

I don't really understand why you'd post, OP without more details, unless you just want us to acknowledge that it's OK for you to feel like you don't want them to come. What you do about it is dependent on so many things.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 14/01/2017 12:27

*"Priority should of course be to consider poorly baby"

Whose priority? The baby's dad ex? Why would it be her priority- she has their kids 12 days out of 14 and now she has to prioritise his responsibilities on the other 2 as well? He already does virtually nothing and now can't be expected to sort out this tiny of responsibility?*

Barbarian, did you read the rest of my comment?

Lariflete · 14/01/2017 12:29

needsahalo but it's not a case of 'sorry boss, I can't work today because my ex's child is ill.' It would be a case of 'Sorry boss, I can't work today because my child has D&V and my ex can't have her because his toddler has just got out of hospital and would be seriously ill if he caught it.'

I think that the best solution would be to try and swap weekends, so that exW can have her own time just on a different weekend (and offer to swap shifts if necessary).

Hope you get it sorted OP - you sound like a lovely mum / stepmum trying to do your best.

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 12:30

No...there have been posts that have said it shouldn't happen at all. And others which say fine to ask, but be prepared for mum to say no. Of the 'ask mum' camp, some of us suggested there are reasons why mum might say no. There is then 'step mum' camp which says we are all selfish cunts for not prioritising a child that is not our responsibility and for actually daring to suggest the father needs to take responsibility for all his children and juggle the complexity of having children with two women. That's not his ex's juggling problem but, well, if ot makes me a cunt for expecting my ex to step up 2days out of 14, I will wear the badge with pride.

user1467976192 · 14/01/2017 12:31

Time I don't see this been my thread. But if you must know my step kids live with their grandparents due to the fact their mother abused them and no longer wants to see them. I wasn't with my partner at this point and ss felt due to additional needs such as autism and the after effects of abuse they would be better in a two parent family so they live with their grandparents and we have regular contact which has to be structured due to autism. This involves lengthy phone calls to say how they are doing that week and what is best for them.
If they are ill they decide where they want to be, we have had them with antibiotics we have also had them cancel because they want to be with grandma (and yes she works). We make the best decision for them on the day not drag them out and do what is best for us or best for social conformity

But yes I forgot I am an evil step mum so that won't wash with you

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 12:33

needsahalo but it's not a case of 'sorry boss, I can't work today because my ex's child is ill.' It would be a case of 'Sorry boss, I can't work today because my child has D&V and my ex can't have her because his toddler has just got out of hospital and would be seriously ill if he caught It

But employee, your ex's childcare arrangements are not my responsibility