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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no dsc this weekend?

243 replies

DontGoRhiannonStay · 13/01/2017 21:58

Dp has a ds (14) and a dd(13). He and I have a ds (23 months) We normally get dsc EOW. Ds has been pretty ill, he spent a few weeks in hospital, he is came home on Wednesday. He is very weak still, he isn't himself and we have been told to avoid him picking up any bugs while he recovers if we can.
Dsd has apparently been sick all week and is still being sick tonight, so dp and I decided that we would have to make the horrible decision not to have them to stay this weekend. i suggested dp take them
Out for the day tomorrow is dsd feels a bit better but he said he is too worried he will pick up this sickness bug and ds will be poorly again and probably end up back in hospital. We don't know what to do without hurting their feelings but at the same time at the moment my unwell little baby comes first. I really don't want to see him so ill again. Aibu?

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 14/01/2017 11:15

What sort of parent only sees their children for two days a fortnight and then so easily stops contact? And how sad that more adults are very willing to have more children with others who do this.

Cherrysoup · 14/01/2017 11:17

Did anyone ask the dsd herself? I'm not well, the absolute last thing I'd want to do is be out of my usual house. I'd want to be wrapped in duvets alone in bed and just sleep.

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/01/2017 11:18

I am in the camp that says they shouldn't visit. If they were my own children and I bought home my poorly baby and this was happening I would be calling on family or friends to have my older children until baby was better.

I am also lucky enough that in my situation the relationship with my DSS' mum (DH's exW) is good enough that we could have that conversation, swap weeks etc without it being an issue especially if it were circumstances such as this.

Unfortunately there are many ex's who see anything as being anti-their child when there is a second family. It is a pity people can't get past their own feelings.

SomethingLikeFlying · 14/01/2017 11:19

If the tables were turned and the Dsd was at risk of having a relapse by catching something from the baby after being ill in hospital, then I very much doubt she would be going to her dad's that weekend. So why should the baby be put at risk?
When a child lives in two households like the op's dsc do, it is easier to prevent bugs from spreading. It's just common sense as someone said up thread.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 14/01/2017 11:24

YANBU. It's 1 weekend and its common sense. Priority should of course be to consider poorly baby who until recently was hospitalised. However your DH needs to sort out them staying with their grandparents or another relative. Not just expecting his ex to handle it. And he can take them out during the day. There are ways round these things - it doesn't have to cause enormous great problems.

timeisnotaline · 14/01/2017 11:28

Has the op said what the dscs mum and dsc think? Because your child's health doesn't mean their mum has no say/choice. For all we know she is going on a spa weekend. I think if everyone is ok with the plan it's fine but if having the sc is unacceptable your dh may need to find aunts and uncles , friends or grandparents to have them. Not just assume their mum is default parent when anything changes.

FrankAndBeans · 14/01/2017 11:30

I'd want my sick child with me, I'd offer to keep them with me if there was a poorly baby at the other house, for the baby's sake if not the adults. But it's the expectation that he can just say 'Can't have them this weekend' & their mum just has to suck that up, that's royally fucking me off - and I don't even have a horse in this race!
This! And to be honest, as much as my ex fucks me around I would still be flexible in this situation but it's the presumption that is bloody annoying. I suggested the OP and her OH try and find alternative childcare too, more just as a gesture so it's not just assumed, like every other poster has.

HelenaGWells · 14/01/2017 11:32

YANBU if his DD has been ill all week him keeping her out of the house likely won't do her any good. Her coming will be bad for your son.

For those saying she should come anyway I feel for your kids. The DOCTORS advice is that the very sick baby be protected. TBH in those circumstances if I had another child that was sick I would be trying to separate them by one child and one parent decamping for a few days if possible.

The medical advice is try and avoid bugs if possible. that means don't have knowingly sick people in your house.

If I was the DDs mother I would happily keep her home that weekend and arrange a swap in a few weeks once everything is calmer.

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 11:32

But we're talking about a risk to a "baby" here. Surely all bets should be off in those circumstances?

Sorry, boss, I can't come into work today because my ex's child is unwell?

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 11:34

Sheldon you have no idea why the contact arrangements are as they are. Talk about judgemental. And as for "so easily stops contact" - again, way to make it sound completely melodramatic. He's not stopping contact. They are talking about asking to rearrange on one occasion because of a sick baby who has only just left hospital. Not exactly a run of the mill or "easy" situation.

BarbarianMum · 14/01/2017 11:37

"Priority should of course be to consider poorly baby"

Whose priority? The baby's dad ex? Why would it be her priority- she has their kids 12 days out of 14 and now she has to prioritise his responsibilities on the other 2 as well? He already does virtually nothing and now can't be expected to sort out this tiny of responsibility?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 11:38

Are people missing the fact that HIS OLDER DAUGHTER is SICK. His DAUGHTER. He needs to look after her if her Mum has (justifiably) made other plans that she can't or doesn't want to change. Not pack her off to grandparents, friends, or leave them home alone. He has THREE children, not just one.

Bertrand. No. All bets are not off. His ex wife has a life that doesn't have to revolve around his new wife & their child. If his ex can have the kids and is happy to, great, but she's not obliged to. She has a life, possibly a weekend job, possibly a partner who she is going to see, possibly elderly parents she visits, who knows, but she has a life separate to his & is entitled to plan whatever the hell she likes on 'his weekends' and not be expected to change her plans for him.

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 11:40

FFS...there's such a willful insistence on posters 'not getting it' ..always the same when a step-mum posts for advice Hmm

BillSykesDog · 14/01/2017 11:42

YANBU. There are some bitter nasty fuckers on here who would put a sick baby's health at risk just because they'd get a kick out of punishing their ex. I don't think any decent person would object in this situation, particularly not if alternative childcare with friends or grandparents could be found.

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 11:43

Why are you not getting that this father has responsibilities towards all his children?

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 14/01/2017 11:44

Bluebell so you think it's fine for the non resident parent to just TELL the resident parent 'I'm not having them this weekend'.?

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 11:44

There are some bitter nasty fuckers on here who would put a sick baby's health at risk just because they'd get a kick out of punishing their ex

Now it is considered punishment to be expected to either care for or make alternative arrangements for your child 2 days out of 14?

user1467976192 · 14/01/2017 11:45

Bluebell I came on here initially for support as a step parent now I feel more alone than ever because people are beastly to step parents, now thinking if people have kids they should be forced to stay together so a third party doesn't have to be pulled into shit like all of this.
In regards to solving this has anyone asked the daughter what she would like, she's old enough to weigh up the facts and make her own decision without feeling unloved or abandoned

JanuaryMoods · 14/01/2017 11:45

Well said. Bill, some truly poisonous and bitter women here. Of course a sick baby takes priority. Only a total cunt would think otherwise.

BarbarianMum · 14/01/2017 11:46

Apparently so halo After all, he has a new family now. Hmm

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 11:48

Only a total cunt would think otherwise

Except maybe the ex needs to work, keep a roof over her children's heads? Or maybe she is exhausted, full of a cold, vomiting herself and was looking forward to a weekend in bed....only a total cunt would think it unreasonable that she didn't prioritise her own needs for her own family

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 11:49

Bill the man has three children. The mother of the older two has them 12/14 days. Why is it too much to expect him to actually have them on his 2/14 days and not think it's fine to just ring up and tell their mum it's not convenient this weekend. He is no less their father than the baby's. The baby is not his Ex's problem. The logistics of having two families is HIS to sort out, not his Ex's. This is about HIS RESPONSIBILITY to all three of his children.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 14/01/2017 11:49

YANBU.

All this "if they lived with you full time you wouldn't have a choice" - well, in this situation, they do have a choice, so why would they needlessly put their little one at risk for the sake of making a point? Are you saying principles are more important than the health of their baby?

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 11:51

Annie you can't seriously be comparing the needs of a teenager with a tummy bug to those of a tiny baby who has been so poorly that they've been in hospital for weeks? I'm sure he loves all of his children equally, there's no indication that's not the case. But to have his older child at home will put his baby in potentially great danger. If he arranges alternative care for his teenager on this one occasion he is not putting her at risk is he?

Fair enough, the baby is not exW's responsibility but fucking hell. I'd change my plans to help out an acquaintance in this situation. Do people really find it so easy to just disregard the health of a baby? Even if it would mean doing a favour for your ex in the process (shock horror)?

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2017 11:52

"Bluebell so you think it's fine for the non resident parent to just TELL the resident parent 'I'm not having them this weekend'.?"

Of course it isn't. But it is fine for the non resident parent to discuss, ask and see if a solution can be found. And for the teenagers concerned to be involved in that discussion.