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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no dsc this weekend?

243 replies

DontGoRhiannonStay · 13/01/2017 21:58

Dp has a ds (14) and a dd(13). He and I have a ds (23 months) We normally get dsc EOW. Ds has been pretty ill, he spent a few weeks in hospital, he is came home on Wednesday. He is very weak still, he isn't himself and we have been told to avoid him picking up any bugs while he recovers if we can.
Dsd has apparently been sick all week and is still being sick tonight, so dp and I decided that we would have to make the horrible decision not to have them to stay this weekend. i suggested dp take them
Out for the day tomorrow is dsd feels a bit better but he said he is too worried he will pick up this sickness bug and ds will be poorly again and probably end up back in hospital. We don't know what to do without hurting their feelings but at the same time at the moment my unwell little baby comes first. I really don't want to see him so ill again. Aibu?

OP posts:

throwingpebbles · 13/01/2017 22:26

Hope the stepmumhaterz haven't scared you away op

Hope you can find a solution

minionsrule · 13/01/2017 22:27

I'm going to turn this on its head a bit. Everyone seems to think that the DSC's will be emotionally damaged if their dad says we can't have you. Imagine if they come, baby gets seriously ill as a result of infection passed on and ends up very poorly in hospital. How do you think DSD would feel if that happened, whilst it would not at all be her fault, do you not think she would rather this not happen?? The DSC are not small children, they will understand I am sure.

SomethingLikeFlying · 13/01/2017 22:28

To the people saying what would you do if they were your own kids. That same logic should apply then if someone is already ill in the op's household and the Dsc could potentially catch it if they come to stay with their dad.

Personally, I think the what ifs are irrelevant. In these circumstances the children have 2 households in which they live, so imo it is a bit easier to prevent bugs being passed on than it would where the children live together 24/7.

But, as I said above. Going off your logic, your logic should apply both ways.

minionsrule · 13/01/2017 22:28

Sorry not everyone thinks this obviously but those who are saying 'oh what if it was your own children'

Aroundtheworldandback · 13/01/2017 22:28

Yabusithere- on earth would op's dh knowingly risk infection from one of his kids when he has a baby just out of hospital? Sure, if they lived with him there'd be no choice. But they don't, so there is. Surely teens of that age are old enough to understand the risk and wouldn't want to infect him anyway? I don't get all this tiptoeing around. It's just common sense!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/01/2017 22:29

bloody hell you can't just not have them because someone is ill

Of course you can,my hats the beauty of having two houses to live in.

Providing mums willing she may even far prefer the children staying at home resting in the home they live in for 12 days out of ever 14, chances are the kids may even prefer it.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/01/2017 22:30

That was kind of my point minions. The children are clearly old enough to want to put the welfare of their little brother first. They'd feel awful if he got ill!

Peanutbutterrules · 13/01/2017 22:30

They aren't being abandoned - they are at their mothers. There will be times when they will want to change contact weekend for their own reasons, times when their mother may want to change weekends for her own reasons. There may be times when they chose not to come to yours if you all have stomach flu and they don't want to risk getting ill.

The little one has been in hospital for WEEKS - dear God - keeping him well is the priority. If they were your own kids nobody would kick off if you sent them off to Grandparents or relatives for a few days to protect the little one from infection.

However posting in AIBU is asking for a kicking...

Wilberforce2 · 13/01/2017 22:30

YANBU to ask them not to come and if your dsd is still being sick I'm not sure she will even feel up to coming. My ds has had the sickness bug since Tuesday night and has been properly poorly, I wouldn't want to inflict him on anyone!

YABU though to post anything on AIBU about your step children because people go a bit mental and you will suddenly be an evil Step parent trying to stop the children coming to THEIR house and see THEIR Dad and you will be accused of treating them differently even though you are being completely reasonable

EweAreHere · 13/01/2017 22:34

I completely agree with Peanutbutterrules. The baby, their little sibling, has been in hospital for weeks, and has only just come home and been told to avoid germs if at all possible.

There are options. They older siblings are old enough to completely get it, would feel terrible if they passed the bug on to their tiny sibling and got him sent back to hospital, and have another parent the can stay with most likely.

Surely weekends have been switched for other events previously, or will likely be switche din future as they are heading into the teenage years and will have lives of their own that they want to work around.

Piratefairy78 · 13/01/2017 22:34

I can see why you would like to do this, but if my exdh asked for this it couldn't happen. Not because I wouldn't want to help, but my shifts are all set so I maximise my earning capacity on the weekend the DC are with him. If I don't work that weekend then we don't have a roof over our head.

I don't know that his ex's situation is like but please bear it in mind. 13 and 14 is a tricky age where I know they will probably be okay but they can't be left for 2-3 days on their own (especially when not feeling well). If exdh couldn't have them on his weekend then he needs to find someone to have them.

I would add that we have swapped weekends etc in the past, however it has always been done with plenty of notice. And when one dc was hospitalised a few years ago he wouldn't visit or have the other dc as it wasn't his weekend so my dad travelled hours to look after her. So I accepted my reasoning may be slightly different to others.

Hope you work it out op.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 13/01/2017 22:37

Op, you Anbu at all. Some people on here hate stepmums for no apparent reason and its clear that they've never actually been in this situation. I have a DSS and he was really unwell with a sickness bug when my dd2 was about three weeks old. He didn't come here as dd2 was very young and it was easily avoided her getting poorly, he just came once he was better, his mum totally understood. On the flip side, he had a chest infection when His sister (his mums child) had just come out of hospital, his mum rang to ask could he come here for a few days extra so her DDS immune system could build up a bit. Of course we where fine with it, her dd was very, very poorly. For those saying 'what if they lived there full time' ...well, they don't. So that doesn't come into it. They have the option available of not risking their child getting poorly, why not take it. Any reasonable parent would understand their reason.

StrangeLookingParasite · 13/01/2017 22:37

What would you do if they were your own children? Or if they lived with you full time?

In a perfect world if you had one with a low immune system and another or others with a vomiting bug, you would keep them as separate as possible, sending the puking ones to a different house. Happily, there is the possibility of doing this in this instance.
YANBU.

Cherryskypie · 13/01/2017 22:40

A 23 month old that got home two days ago after weeks in hospital should not be around a child who is still vomiting with an illness. I doubt that a child who is vomiting with illness will want to go out for the day 12 hours later.

If he has a good relationship with their mother he could talk to her and maybe arrange to take her out for a day/have her to stay next weekend. Failing that maybe an quick apology visit from your DH with a gift of an iTunes voucher for a film, a cosy blanket and some of her favourite soft drinks.

Swirlingasong · 13/01/2017 22:42

Yanbu at all! If they were my children I would have already cancelled the visit rather than risk them infecting a vulnerable child. Seems common sense to me and they are old enough to understand.

Yabu however to suggest your dh takes them out tomorrow. If she is still being sick now, she will still be infectious. Why take her out to risk infecting other people who may also be vulnerable?

user1467976192 · 13/01/2017 22:45

Oh another let's attack the step mother post, surely if the stepdaughter is ill she would rather be in the home she spends the most time in. why not take her out when she's better

FrankAndBeans · 13/01/2017 22:45

What happens if the mum can't/won't swap?

DanGleballs · 13/01/2017 22:46

My ex has a young son with his new girlfriend. I would be more than happy to keep my son with me in those circumstances. The new baby may not be my child but is my son's much loved sibling. I would cancel any plans I had to ensure nothing bad happened to the baby. Not for my ex who could rot in hell as far as I am concerned but for my own son who loves his little brother very much.

FrankAndBeans · 13/01/2017 22:47

Some plans like work can't just be cancelled!

TeethDrama · 13/01/2017 22:48

Actually, for those saying "What would you do if they lived with you full time" etc - having 3 DCs myself, there have been times when one of the children has been ill and I have had my parents to look after the 2 children that were well (or vice versa) to give everyone a break/try to stop the bug spreading. Some are getting over sensitive about what could or should be a comonsense decision that benefits everyone, it's not a statement of rejection to have them stay at their DMs for one weekend because 2 of the children (DSD and DS both) has been poorly!

LadyGlitterSparklesSeriously · 13/01/2017 22:49

Yanbu.

The kids have the option of staying away to avoid a baby being sent back to hospital. Why on earth shouldn't they?

They'll feel fantastic, won't they, if it ends up that their illness puts their baby brother into hospital

What strange comments.

ollieplimsoles · 13/01/2017 22:51

What happens if the mum can't/won't swap

Then she doesn't mind risking the health and well-being of a 23 month old baby- I'm sure she would move things around if it was one of her own kids.

And too all the posters saying "what would you do if they lived with you full time?" My sister came out of hospital just as I got d&v as a child- I went to stay with grandparent.

DanGleballs · 13/01/2017 22:52

If plans couldn't be cancelled such as work I would be trying to work with ex to find a way around it. Dad takes children out during the hours I was working, granny or friends called in to help etc. There is usually a compromise to be found.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 13/01/2017 22:53

frankandbeans you tell work that your child is vomiting and you can't go into work. Surely this happens to single parents whos dc dont go to stay at the other plarents too?

Cherryskypie · 13/01/2017 22:57

A 13 and 14 year old don't need a babysitter or someone to stay off work with them.

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