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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no dsc this weekend?

243 replies

DontGoRhiannonStay · 13/01/2017 21:58

Dp has a ds (14) and a dd(13). He and I have a ds (23 months) We normally get dsc EOW. Ds has been pretty ill, he spent a few weeks in hospital, he is came home on Wednesday. He is very weak still, he isn't himself and we have been told to avoid him picking up any bugs while he recovers if we can.
Dsd has apparently been sick all week and is still being sick tonight, so dp and I decided that we would have to make the horrible decision not to have them to stay this weekend. i suggested dp take them
Out for the day tomorrow is dsd feels a bit better but he said he is too worried he will pick up this sickness bug and ds will be poorly again and probably end up back in hospital. We don't know what to do without hurting their feelings but at the same time at the moment my unwell little baby comes first. I really don't want to see him so ill again. Aibu?

OP posts:
user1467976192 · 14/01/2017 10:11

Petal I am with you, my step kids love our house because it's upside down and novel to them they consider it a fun place to stay but I am sure they were ill they would rather be at the home they stay in most of the time. In fact we have been cancelled on because one was ill and wanted to "stay at home"

SheldonCRules · 14/01/2017 10:13

You'd have no choice if they lived with you, would you send your own child away? I doubt it.

You are sending the message clearly to them that it's not their home and your DS is more important. That's truly awful. They are children not not old clothes that can be discarded.

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2017 10:17

"You are sending the message clearly to them that it's not their home and your DS is more important. That's truly awful. They are children not not old clothes that can be discarded."

Bollocks.

Apart from anything else they are teenagers who would be very much upset if they did anything avoidable that might put their baby brother at risk.

user1467976192 · 14/01/2017 10:19

Sheldon having a problem with a step parent?

You don't half chat some bollocks

In this case the daughter is old enough to make her own mind up. Has anyone asked her rather than just assuming she feels discarded

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 10:20

Sheldon that is so melodramatic. I would think the 'message' that's being sent to the 13 and 14 year old DSCs is more like "your little brother is very poorly and catching your bug could end up with him back in hospital. Would it be OK if we swapped weekends and you came back when you're better?". I don't know a single teenager who would not both understand and fully support this entirely sensible decision.

And, if it were me, yes I probably would "send my own child away" as you put it, possibly to their grandparent or aunty and uncle, to avoid a sick baby ending up back in hospital. What kind of negligent parent would not take whatever measures possible to prevent a serious relapse in a sick baby? FFS.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/01/2017 10:21

For me, this isn't a debatable issue. OP, look after your baby, the DSC do not live with you, therefore you have an option. Let their DF explain, he can call over there for a while, and take them some spending money, or Cinema tickets. One weekend, will not hurt, they will most likely enjoy the opportunity to spend time with their friends, as they are teenagers after all.

MyWhatICallNameChange · 14/01/2017 10:24

Yes OP, you must have them in your house, puking and shitting etc. You don't say how far away they live but I'm sure they'll enjoy the journey To yours feeling awful. I'm sure they won't want to stay in their comfy bed and recover rather than get up, puke, get dressed, puke, get their stuff ready, puke, get to yours, puke. See their little brother, puke, infect the whole family, loads more puke, then get well and visit their little brother in hospital after he's caught the infection that could have been prevented by them recovering at home.

I wonder if some of these posters are the same people who moan about parents sending their kids to school after being sick?

When you're sick you stay at home. Even if they didn't have a brother who'd been ill I'd be saying the same - you minimise the risk of passing it on, you stay at home.

They're teenagers, I'm sure they'll understand. I'd hope they'd understand, and I'd hope their mum would understand. Unlike some of the posters here.

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 10:26

needsahalo Really..how strange! I'm on the step-parent board often and don't see threads like the ones you described.

My SD is with us EOW..she considers her mum's house as her 'main' home, however, she also considers here as home. She treats it as home..she calls it home but if asked where she lives, she'll say the town's name where she is with her mum because she is there most of the time. This doesn't stop her feeling she has two homes though. Neither is right or wrong..depends on the child and how they feel.

In a 'normal' house then sickness between siblings just has to be dealt with. However, things are different when there is the option of two HOMES. How on earth do you know if there is anybody else the OP and her husband can ask for childcare (not that they need it at that age) apart from the mother? People on here are assuming that the OP and her husband are, themselves, assuming that the mother will sort it. The OP hasn't given that impression. Why can't the step- children stay a couple of nights during the following school week so there isn't such a big gap with seeing each other?

Champers4Pampers · 14/01/2017 10:34

I'm sorry your baby is unwell.

I do think you're being a little bit unreasonable though. Like others have said what would you do if the DSC lived with you permanently? Or if you had 2 children of your own? Fair enough if their mum has offed to keep them or if GPs offer to give you a break or make things easier.

This is what being a parent is all about, you can't just pick and choose when you have them just because they're ill. What would your DP say if his ex said "you're not having the children this weekend because your baby is sick & my children might catch it?" Where does it stop?

Petal02 · 14/01/2017 10:35

But the step children DON'T live with them FT, so that's not the issue here.

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 10:36

Bluebell, I am arguing generally, not in relation to this thread. I would personally not have an issue with it, providing I didn't have other plans. And that's my point. I'm allowed to have other plans. I am not my ex's babysitter just as he wouldn't help me out necessarily if I had an issue. He might, he might not.

Breezy1985 · 14/01/2017 10:41

My DD is the same age and has a little half brother, I would want her with me if she was sick anyway BUT she wouldn't want to go and pass it onto her little brother anyway, she loves him to bits and she's very protective of him, he was born very prem, so she wouldn't risk it.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/01/2017 10:42

The only occasion when my children's contact time would be trumped, would be if them being there endangered another child's health.

Speaking as the mother who has had contact cancelled because "Step mother is tired", this is a scenario where it is entirely reasonable to postpone contact.

I'm shocked that so many on here would put a baby in danger because "that's what you have to do if you have children resident all the time".

A little disappointment versus endangering a baby the week he's home from hospital is a no brainer.

BarbarianMum · 14/01/2017 10:44

I think your dh should have his children for the weekend, at grandparents or a hotel or frien' s house - whatever works best. Refusing to see his daughter ' in case he catches it' is completely TOT unless he's been keeping himself housebound whilst your ds was sick.

MycatsaPirate · 14/01/2017 10:53

I remember times when DSD was ill and off school and mum asked if she could come to ours as I was at home anyway. Of course she came to us. It makes sense that the adult who is available looks after a sick child if they can. I am talking stinking cold rather than vomiting. I would have said no for that because I wouldn't risk everyone else catching a D&V bug.

DSD did come to us with a D&V bug once. My dp then caught it and was really ill for over a week afterwards. My youngest also caught it and the whole house was stinking of vomit for days. I wasn't happy about it and if my DD's had been immuno compromised I'd have been furious.

If you can't send your DC to school then they shouldn't be out spreading it about to others.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/01/2017 10:56

If the dsc mum is happy to keep them at home when you ask I don't see why not.

This is assuming your dh has been regularly seeing them EOW and other contact times and doesn't normally change contact.

It dsc mum cant keep them at home because she has prior arrangements could your dh arrange for a grandparent or aunt/uncle have them instead?

candycoatedwaterdrops · 14/01/2017 10:58

Those who are saying "you wouldn't send a child away if they lived with you" probably haven't come across this scenario. When my cousin was having chemotherapy for leukaemia, if her siblings got ill, then my aunt or uncle would take the ill sibling to stay with our grandparents or in a hotel. It was too dangerous, especially with chicken pox. It just has to happen sometimes.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 11:00

Barbarian but surely you can see the difference between going to see people who you know are sick with a contagious illness and just leaving the house where you probably won't pick something up. I know that I certainly don't catch an illness every time I go out, however I often catch one if I've spent extended periods of time in a sick person's company at close quarters.

Without knowing exactly how sick the baby is/could potentially become, I don't think any of us can say whether it's unreasonable for DH to stay away full stop. If the baby is seriously immuno compromised at the moment then catching something from dad who caught it from his other children could have very dangerous repercussions.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 11:02

But their Mum is entitled to make plans when they should be in their Dad's care. He needs to sort this out, not just assume it's fine to say 'We can't have them this weekend'. He is their father, doing his bit, not a grandparent doing a favour. The mum might be fine with it, but she needs to be ASKED, not told.

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2017 11:06

Actually, if I was the mother concerned, unless I had been royally buggered about for ages, I hope I would offer to keep the older ones with me for the weekend. What sort of person insists on their "rights" if it might put a baby at risk?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 11:07

This guy has two sick children. One he has shared care for this weekend (the Op's baby), one he has sole care for this weekend (his older daughter). HE needs to see if the older one's Mum is able & willing to have her/them this weekend and if not HE needs to look after his sick older child (& non sick child). Looking after his older children isn't just 'an option' it's his responsibility for a very small part of each fortnight, picking & choosing whether to be responsible isn't (or rather shouldn't be) an option.

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 11:09

What sort of parent can't be arsed to make suitable arrangements for the care of their children? You know, like the mother has to, 12 days a fortnight?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 11:12

Betrand. The 'sort' who is working, the 'sort' who has travel plans, the 'sort' who is pissed off with being default parent. That 'sort'.

I'd want my sick child with me, I'd offer to keep them with me if there was a poorly baby at the other house, for the baby's sake if not the adults. But it's the expectation that he can just say 'Can't have them this weekend' & their mum just has to suck that up, that's royally fucking me off - and I don't even have a horse in this race!

Cherryskypie · 14/01/2017 11:13

Step-family threads do bring out strong opinions. Just be thankful the MIL hasn't given an opinion or the thread would explode Wink

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2017 11:14

"Betrand. The 'sort' who is working, the 'sort' who has travel plans, the 'sort' who is pissed off with being default parent. That 'sort'."

I did say "unless I had been royally buggered about"

But we're talking about a risk to a "baby" here. Surely all bets should be off in those circumstances?

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