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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no dsc this weekend?

243 replies

DontGoRhiannonStay · 13/01/2017 21:58

Dp has a ds (14) and a dd(13). He and I have a ds (23 months) We normally get dsc EOW. Ds has been pretty ill, he spent a few weeks in hospital, he is came home on Wednesday. He is very weak still, he isn't himself and we have been told to avoid him picking up any bugs while he recovers if we can.
Dsd has apparently been sick all week and is still being sick tonight, so dp and I decided that we would have to make the horrible decision not to have them to stay this weekend. i suggested dp take them
Out for the day tomorrow is dsd feels a bit better but he said he is too worried he will pick up this sickness bug and ds will be poorly again and probably end up back in hospital. We don't know what to do without hurting their feelings but at the same time at the moment my unwell little baby comes first. I really don't want to see him so ill again. Aibu?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/01/2017 08:27

Really if dsd is being sick, she has to change her plans like you would do for any sick child. I would not want my child to travel when she is throwing up, and would let dad know she could not come for contact this weekend.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/01/2017 08:29

Surely its common sense she stays put where she is, commonsense.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 14/01/2017 08:44

YANBU and I wish your little boy a speedy recovery. Flowers To be honest, it's quite likely that DSD wants to stay where she is, she is unlikely to want to travel and go to her dad's house when she's feeling rubbish. I'm sure you can make it up to them and do something nice another weekend.

LIZS · 14/01/2017 08:49

Can he see them elsewhere ie. Gps this weekend or you go to your parents overnight. Maybe dsd wont want to visit anyway.

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 08:55

IIangennith Because it is their home...that's why people are 'banging' on about it. They live in one for 12 days and live in another for 2 days. HTH

I don't think they'll feel unwelcome, however, because of the circumstances.

TempusEedjit · 14/01/2017 09:07

I agree with llangennith, why is it on these kind of threads the NRP's house is considered the DSC's "home" even if DSC only stay there 1 night EOW, yet on any child maintenance thread it's only the RP who bears the costs of providing "home" for the DC even when the NRP has them almost 50/50.

OP YANBU. I hope your baby recovers soon.

Petal02 · 14/01/2017 09:17

YANBU

With step-parenting/blended families, it all gets very emotive and common sense flies out the window. If we weren't talking about step children here, then surely everybody would be prioritising 'health' over 'visiting schedule.'

When you have the 'luxury' of two homes and therefore a built-in quarantine option, then I think the OP is entirely sensible.

user1470041360 · 14/01/2017 09:24

For fucks sake. The child is just out of hospital and immune system needs to recharge. How are they being out of order. Any reasonably minded person would accept this and not looking at it in a " it's your week. You don't love your children "kind of way

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 09:24

Depends on the context..how far away and how often the children are with the NRP. It isn't just on 'these type of threads' that the house is also considered home - whatever that means. It's a very normal concept for the child.

It isn't all about money... it's good for the child to 'feel' at home for a large part of their life (EOW doesn't seem a lot but it does add up over the course of their life). If you are bringing money into it and basing the idea of 'home' on that then you must be forgetting that the NRP pays maintenance AND spends upkeep on the child when with them. It's often a lot more than the CMS calculator.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 09:28

Frank OK but that's your circumstance, not everybody's so it's not fair or correct to say it's "always on the mum" because it really isn't. Lots of people have relationships with their ex that involve a bit of give and take. And I don't think there's any suggestion that the DSC's mum is just being told to suck it up and deal with it.

I would say, with the information that we've got so far from OP, it would be fair to expect a bit of lenience in these exceptional circumstances.

Bluebell878275 · 14/01/2017 09:28

That's right Petal OP YANBU

Ellisandra · 14/01/2017 09:29

I'm divorced and my child has two homes.

One day her dad was ill and said "any chance she can stay another night? I'm feeling shit - I don't want her to get it, and I could do with the rest too".

Me "yep, not problem, get well soon"

Daughter "poor daddy!"

Is there any reason why your husband and his ex aren't likely to be just as sensible about it?

FrankAndBeans · 14/01/2017 09:30

Hence why I said, the background is important Hmm
And it is just assumed the mum will sort it, none of us know if she has alternative childcare or not but it's assumed she'll sort it out.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 09:34

Well yes I think people are probably assuming that they have the kind of relationship where a bit of give and take is possible and that she would be willing to help in this situation, because that's the more usual way to co-parent.

Petal02 · 14/01/2017 09:35

Ask yourself this - which is more important:

a. the health of a young baby
b. ensuring the visiting arrangements aren't disrupted

FrankAndBeans · 14/01/2017 09:38

I'm also not saying they should have DSC with their sick baby, I am saying maybe ask DP's GPs if they could help, seeking alternative options on their side too.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 14/01/2017 09:42

A lot of odd responses on this thread.

The op is not being unreasonable in any way to want to step-children to stay home this weekend in these circumstances. No matter what other people that are not the op and the mother in question's circumstances are.

The op clearly isn't making this decision lightly, and the DSD was still being sick last night!

Hope all has worked out ok op.

Petal02 · 14/01/2017 09:43

To be honest, if I were DSD, I'd probably far rather stay home til I'd recovered? Only on Planet Step Family is it deemed appropriate to spend a weekend away when you're vomiting.

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2017 09:51

If I were either step child, I would like to be consulted. Because they are 13 and 14!

purplefizz26 · 14/01/2017 09:54

If they lived with you full time, or you had older kids residing with you, what would you do? Send them away?

You have to look at it from the kids perspective, it's their (second) home too.

Their dad could take them out for the day and keep them away from the baby as long as possible, as you would if they lived with you.

user1484226561 · 14/01/2017 09:56

YABU this is their home. If you don't want them in contact with your son, then take your son somewhere else. You can't ban children from their own home

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 09:58

That's kind of the point people are trying to make Petal. It's NOT 'away' it's home. The child has two homes now her parents are split. Two houses, both home.

In this situation I would see if it was convenient for their Mum for them to stay at that home this weekend and if not I'd see if there was a way around that such as going over there if she has to work. If not, then the kids would come to home 2 and I'd try to keep the big sick ones away from the vulnerable little one, in the exact same way I would if they were siblings permanently living in the same house.

I understand the OP's desire to protect her baby, but at the same time, the older ones are as much her DH's children as the baby is and this weekend they are his responsibility, he cannot just say to their Mum that he can't have them this weekend, it's not an option for a responsible parent.

needsahalo · 14/01/2017 10:04

Only on Planet Step Family is it deemed appropriate to spend a weekend away when you're vomiting

If you look at step family threads you will see the following
a) father's who want to be equal parents (but only if their children are healthy)
b) father's who insist their child has two homes and that their overheads are the same as the mother's only they don't receive 'all the benefits' (but only if their children are healthy)
c) father's who want to actually 'parent' as opposed to 'babysit' (but only if their children are healthy).

Mum does 12 days of parenting. It is reasonable that it is not assumed she can pick up the short-notice slack, even if the children have a bug. I can guarantee that in 90% plus cases, mums do not go to their ex for help caring for sick children when they need to go to work etc. Yet the expectation is that mum is the back up for dad, without question.

The OP is entirely reasonable. But there needs to be an acceptance that mum is not the only back up for emergency situations.

Case in point, I frequently leave the country when my children are with their dad because my boyfriend lives in another country. Plans are made well in advance. Costs are high. My ex is perfectly capable of dealing with the children, sick or well, but that's because he likes to actually parent.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 14/01/2017 10:07

Purple - taking them out for the day was mentioned in the op. But the DSD was still being sick last night.

IMO it's not a workable solution to take a still sick child out for the day. a) the child is sick and b) there is a generally accepted 48 hour rule when it comes to sickness, to stop it spreading. Think how many people it would have the potential to spread to if she was in cafes and public spaces all day.

It would be more reasonable for the DH to spend the day at the mothers house if there were issues over working, IMO.

Petal02 · 14/01/2017 10:08

I would suspect most people, including children, consider that 'home' is where they live most of the time. My DSS always considered himself to live with mum, and visit dad EOW. It wasn't a negative viewpoint, just a realistic one.