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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no dsc this weekend?

243 replies

DontGoRhiannonStay · 13/01/2017 21:58

Dp has a ds (14) and a dd(13). He and I have a ds (23 months) We normally get dsc EOW. Ds has been pretty ill, he spent a few weeks in hospital, he is came home on Wednesday. He is very weak still, he isn't himself and we have been told to avoid him picking up any bugs while he recovers if we can.
Dsd has apparently been sick all week and is still being sick tonight, so dp and I decided that we would have to make the horrible decision not to have them to stay this weekend. i suggested dp take them
Out for the day tomorrow is dsd feels a bit better but he said he is too worried he will pick up this sickness bug and ds will be poorly again and probably end up back in hospital. We don't know what to do without hurting their feelings but at the same time at the moment my unwell little baby comes first. I really don't want to see him so ill again. Aibu?

OP posts:
Mummyamy123 · 13/01/2017 22:58

You would be unreasonable to point blank 'say no' and not let them in your house.
But I would like to think if you discussed with DSCs and their mum they would come to the same conclusion as you, it's reasonable to postpone until next weekend given that you have the option of them not coming into contact with your baby.
I would definitely have your DH reiterate that your home is of course their home, they are always welcome, you're not putting baby above them etc etc. maybe arrange for them to do something nice in lieu of coming to you- send £ for a takeaway or cinema trip to cushion the blow a bit but with the risk of being accused of trying to buy them off, if their mum is prone to troublemaking.
Interesting split of opinions on this thread!!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2017 22:59

Very sensible to give this weekend a miss, D.Sc. is nit well and yiur ds is not well. Next weekend would be better.

DorcasthePuffin · 13/01/2017 23:03

Of course YANBU. If one of my children was just out of hospital and vulnerable, and the other had been exposed them to norovirus or whatever, damn right I would keep them apart if I could.

BertrandRussell · 13/01/2017 23:05

14 and 13?
Talk to them directly.

Cherryskypie · 13/01/2017 23:10

I hope your DS has a smooth recovery.

FrancisCrawford · 13/01/2017 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needsahalo · 13/01/2017 23:11

And too all the posters saying "what would you do if they lived with you full time?" My sister came out of hospital just as I got d&v as a child- I went to stay with grandparent

Then that is up to the father to arrange rather than his ex to pick up his slack. I don't think the situation is unreasonable but mum should be asked if she is able to manage and dad should have a back up plan if she says no. It is not the same as a together parent situation and can't really be compared.

witchofzog · 13/01/2017 23:14

Yanbu. The circumstances are unique and you are not in the wrong to not want your youngest dc to end up back in hospital. I would hope the dc's will understand, they certainly are old enough to. Could you have them an extra weekend with a treat thrown in for being understanding?

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2017 23:20

Hopefully your step children and their father will realise that bringing a sickness bug int the house when a baby has just come out of hospital is a very bad idea.

If they lived with you, then you would need to muddle through. But they don't so you won't.

I doubt your dsd will want to go out anywhere but if she does your dh could take her, although if he catches the bug he will be banned from being with his baby too! Would the children's mum consider swapping the weekend? Sorry if that has already been suggested.

I have not read all the posts, but if they do come agree with Akire, "If they do come the daughter would have to be up in own room ideally own bathroom. Her dad would have to do all cleaning up and extra care with washing. You would have to keep baby totally away and prob sleep in another room to make sure enough time has passed until dad definitely didn't have it to pass it on.
OR just all stay own rooms/homes in till both children are stronger much less stress all round. Why would you want to do that unless you really had too. Hardly quality time being sick somewhere else. Thought should risk another hospital immisdion for very small baby because of very very small chance an older child may feel slightly put out is rubbish."

Lynnm63 · 13/01/2017 23:23

YANBU. You have a child with poor immunity just out of hospital and an infectious child. I'd talk directly to the step children and explain it. I'm sure they'd rather reschedule a weekend than be responsible for putting their brother back in hospital.
To the pp's who said YABU what if they were your dc in that instance it's highly likely your ds would not have been discharged until their siblings were well again. I had twins in scbu and my dh and I had bad colds and dt1 was kept in hospital until we were better even though he was fit to come home a few days earlier.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/01/2017 23:27

Some People are just, y'know, nice. They might actually try and be considerate and helpful to their ex.bNot everyone sees everything as tit for tat, it is a mumsnet mentality that I thankfully don't see much in real life. If I did I think the world would be a far more buggered place.

MistressMerryWeather · 13/01/2017 23:28

I honestly can't see why there would be any hurt feelings here. Not from two teenagers.

Just talk to them.

There is no need to make a big deal out of this. You'll see each other next week if everyone feels better.

MistressMerryWeather · 13/01/2017 23:33

Exactly, Paul.

No reasonable person is going to knowingly put a sick baby at risk.

LostSight · 13/01/2017 23:44

YANBU to keep DSD away from your baby, by whatever means are possible.

YABVU to suggest DSD is taken out anywhere tomorrow as she is likely to be infectious. It isn't only your husband who might pick up the infection, and it is not only your baby who might be at risk. Better to keep her away from other people until she has been well for 48 hours.

Personally, if for whatever reason, they cannot stay with their Mum, I would try to take my baby to stay somewhere else, if at all possible.

DameSquashalot · 14/01/2017 07:46

YANBU.

Usually after vomiting it takes a couple of days to regain your strength so maybe dsd would rather stay at her mum's house in bed.

You're following the advice from the hospital. How can that BU?

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 08:00

Of course you have them. They aren't like other visitors.

They are your dhs own kids. Not random visitors.

Yes, because that's exactly how it works. Infections can only be passed on to very sick and vulnerable babies by "random" people and never by relatives Hmm

OP there are a lot of idiotic comments on here. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. There's really no other option, is there? I hope your DS is better very soon Flowers

JanuaryMoods · 14/01/2017 08:04

People are loopy on step parent threads. The extreme, whack job comments come in thick and fast so just ignore.

Agree with this totally.

YANBU at all.

FrankAndBeans · 14/01/2017 08:08

Then that is up to the father to arrange rather than his ex to pick up his slack. I don't think the situation is unreasonable but mum should be asked if she is able to manage and dad should have a back up plan if she says no. It is not the same as a together parent situation and can't really be compared.*
This was my point but better put. I hate that it's always on the mum to sort out other arrangements. The Dad is a parent, not a babysitter, he is also capable of finding alternative childcare like the mother apparently has to.

JanuaryMoods · 14/01/2017 08:11

The DSCs are teenagers and don't need child care FFS.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/01/2017 08:13

The circumstances are unique, the babies health can be compromised, the baby must have been in a bad way for him to be hospitalised for that length of time, that is the most important. Acimprimise can be reached, it is not all or nothing. The girl is still contagious and unwell and should not be travelling, and spreading it about. How about she come to you when she's fully better, or dad takes her out. If she were living with you, she could well be isolated in her room until better, or stay with friend or relative. If I were he RR mum I would not want her to have contact if she is still unwell and being sick, she stays at home.

llangennith · 14/01/2017 08:14

Slightly deviating here but why are people banging on about it being the DSC's home? It's not their home. They live with their mother and spend EOW with their father and his wife at their home, so they won't 'think they're not welcome in their own home' at all.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/01/2017 08:19

Frank but isn't that a bit of a tit for tat attitude to have in this scenario when exH has a sick baby to think about? I totally get that if it were any other circumstance, but I just think if it was my exH I could probably deal with it this one time for the sake of my DC's stepbrother if nothing else. What's so wrong with expecting a bit of compassion in unique circumstances?

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/01/2017 08:22

Nothing wrong in talking to them and the mother, but if she already has plans, then it's down to their father to find alternative arrangements. If their mother planned to be away for the weekend knowing they'd be with their father, it would be unreasonable to tell her no. Then it's a case of talk about them having a night in a hotel with their father or grandparents if they are close enough.

FrankAndBeans · 14/01/2017 08:24

Mainly because I don't have a compassionate relationship with my ex. He tries to treat me like a doormat, so really, it's all about the background to this. I also don't have anyone else I could have to take DC so it would be put upon me to scrabble and try and change my work arrangements where I don't get days off for my kids being sick. So yes, I have sympathy for the mother being told to suck it up and find other arrangements.

Beth2511 · 14/01/2017 08:25

we said no to dsc in similar circumstances after ds had sepsis and she had noro. even she said she was worried about giving it up.

if it had been my dd i would have been asking family to havr her so no yanby

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