More of a WWYD really - OH and I are feeling very torn. NC'd as potentially identifying....
Sorry it's a bit long - I've tried to summarise the story to date without drip feeding - I fully appreciate that I only have OH's side of the story in this, as we only met a couple of years after much of this took place. However, we've been together ten years, and I would trust his word as he sees it.
OH separated from his first wife in 2006 - they'd been together ten years, but mostly unhappily. OH stayed so long for her two children, who were about 2 and 3 when they got together, and who he saw as his own. ExW was by all accounts not the most stable of individuals - would dramatically estrange herself from friends and family the most trivial of reasons, and was often emotionally manipulative / abusive towards OH. She also had issues with reckless expenditure - examples being blowing a £60k inheritance, and repeatedly running up credit card debt that OH at one point risked bankruptcy over in trying to pay off (just to fill in the gaps, she was a SAHM for all this period). OH paid the mortgage and put the children through private school - when they finally did split, he basically walked away with nothing. ExW immediately blocked all access to the children - and OH had no right to access, given they were neither biologically or legally his own. I know that losing access to them was and remains one of the greatest pains and regrets of his life.
A few years down the line the younger son (will call DS for ease) then about 17 or 18 got back in touch via social media - which OH was delighted by. As teens do, DS would ask for money from time to time; an uncharitable person might say he asked for money every time he was in touch. OH would always oblige - partly out of guilt at how things ended, partly in the hope that this might act as a "bridge" back into face-to-face contact one day.
Now the DS is 22, and despite having asked for and received money on an ad hoc basis for all these years (probably talking about £1,000 "pocket money" a year), has never committed to the beers or football matches etc OH has on several occasion gently suggested - contact has only ever been via email for all this time. After their last exchange when OH coughed up for driving lessons, OH decided that this would be the last time he paid out, given that DS is now an adult at 22, and the relationship he had hoped might one day result in doing so hasn't come about.
Anyway, to the dilemma at hand - the other day out of the blue we got this:
Hi Dad, would you be able to give me some more financial support ASAP, with me and mum living at 's and basically being homeless I'm seriously struggling now, got credit cards and overdrafts to pay off and I'm seriously starting to have a breakdown. I have no one else to ask and I feel bad enough having to ask.
In previous communications, he had mentioned that ExW lost the house "for no reason", and that they were then evicted from emergency accommodation because the landlord apparently "changed his mind". AFAIK, he and ExW are now crammed in with a family friend, with no prospect of moving on any time soon. The presumption is that ExW didn't keep up with mortgage or rental payments - though OH had left her with 6-figure equity in the house. OH also strongly suspects that DS has gotten himself into debt by putting his wages towards ExW's living costs, as he has said that ExW now has depression and (still) can't work. He's also said that the older sister had just escaped an abusive relationship, is now a single mum, and also has depression (I'm not sure what her living circumstances are), and that he is struggling to stay positive for everyone.
By all accounts he is and always was a nice lad - I'll admit to having a look at his Facebook profile, and he looks a lovely young man, very sporty, involved in the community and a very hand-on uncle, who it sounds has been dealt a shit hand due to ExW's financial situation and has perhaps found himself in over his head as a result.
However, he also sounds quite immature where finances are concerned, and in need more of some proper financial advice than he is more cash at this time - OH (in the right industry to advise) is more than willing to provide practical advice in how he can get best get the situation under control, and wants to ask for a face-to-face meeting to help him talk things through and advise on next steps. He's wary of providing further financial support for all the obvious reasons - i.e. potentially being played, money likely diverting towards ExW, cash in the short-term just proving a drop in the ocean, and not really helping DS in terms of life lessons in the long run anyway, etc....
That said, in DS's last communication a couple of months ago he was cheerily asking for driving lessons, not in the midst of a full-blown debt crisis - so who's to say any of the above is even true...? There wasn't even a "please"...
It's hard to know at a distance quite what to believe and what to do to help....
WWYD for the best in this situation please??
AIBU?
Desperate plea for money - WWYD
Bittornhelp · 12/01/2017 14:21
That letter from you and OH to his son's mum is horrible, OP. if you want to talk to DS about his finances then stick to that. You've no need to diss his mum to him at all. Its his mum!
& since reading thread from the beginning and all the digs you put in...your OH said she was unstable. ...blah blah 'he said he said he said' so it must be true, musnt it
I dont think you're genuine at all. All that talk about her being unstable. .how unkind. You were not there. She could have been depressed for all you know. She shut herself away from people? Wonder why...
Yes the DS is silly with money yes he's made mistakes & ok you dont want him asking your boyfriend for money - but if he's on the verge of being homeless for all you know then why the hell does he need a letter like that?Do you want him away from your OH?
You may get your wish. But despite your feelings about him not being in contact for years etc, it might not go the way you think it will.
Leave the ex out of it. Stop shit stirring and trying to talk at her thru her son. Wind your neck in. Your OH is a grown man yes you can discuss his son but you want to get all involved and turn the screw. You know very well this young man will be hurt by the passive aggressive digs at his mum. It reads like a slap in the face. Grow up. & stop obsessing about his mum whilst you're at it, it doesn't even sound as if she comes anywhere near you, nor that there's any concrete proof that she's asking for money via her son.
All these saintly men on MN who have truly terrible unhinged irresponsible ex wives according to their esteemed medical diagnosis, the poor lambs, and Captain Save A Fella current partners springing to the rescue
MistressDeeCee OP didn't send that "horrible" letter about the boy's mum. She was venting. She actually sent a really measured email - to add to all the other measured emails from her DH.
If he was about to be homeless I expect he'd pick up the phone for advice.
I'm not really sure why you've picked on all the references to the ex - it's the kid who's the problem 
Just RTFT like 
You and your oh sound like lovely people but there's not a chance I'd send him money. I'm sorry you're being pestered like this!
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
i suspect either an immediate end to emails from him or an absolutely insanely angry reaction as they realise there will never be cash
Or, as I mentioned earlier, a sudden and catastrophic "crisis" which only the injection of a huge sum of money can solve
No doubt he'll wait a couple of weeks, though - gotta make it "convincing"
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