Is it unreasonable for a DP to need separate holidays and home?

[user1471551792]

Hi all, this is my first post. Longtime lurker.

I've been with my DP for 13 months. He lives up north about 250 miles away and we see each other for two or three days about twice a month. Either at his or mine. I have children and he doesn't. I love him very much and it's reciprocal. Our plan is for him to move here and he is job searching. He has also said on numerous occasions that he wants to marry me. He's a decade older than me. He earns a significantly higher salary. He owns his home and I rent. I don't want to move to him as it would drastically reduce my DC's contact with their father, with whom we all have a good relationship.

So, the AIBU. In the short term it is that he has told me this week that he wants to go away for a week, on his own, at Easter for some peace and relaxation. In the long term it is that when he moves here he wants to have his own place even if we marry. That is he has said he will always need his own space. He is adamant that this is not because of the children, but because he would need to step into his ordered life from time to time, for space.

I genuinely don't know if this is unreasonable. It feels...unusual? Odd? And also sort of disconnected. I can't afford to pay for a holiday, at least not equitably. In practical terms I also can't afford to continue paying my rent if we marry, as I will lose tax credits and housing benefit. I work btw. And it just feels "off" to be renting out his house, while we rent one each. It's not exactly the happy ever after...

I'd really welcome opinions. Thanks.

The context that he is financially generous is important I think. It makes his 'we'll work that out' re your losing benefits sound much more like 'don't be silly of course you're going to be able to afford rent, I'll contribute! Duh! ' than ' that's not really my problem so I'm not going to address it'

Apart from Sheldon's comment, WHY do you feel "controlling", OP? You have a set of circumstances that rather hamstring you (as a reasonable person) whereas your DP doesn't. It therefore makes more sense for him to move rather than you - because if YOU move you cause upheaval to 3 more people's lives (at least - your DC and their father and who knows how many other relatives/friends), whereas if HE moves, it's really just him.

Has someone said to you that you are "controlling"? Would that be the boyfriend? Because if it is, then that's another red flag...

The OCD being a major contributory factor to his last live in relationship makes a huge difference. He's actually being sensible. Now you have to work out if you can live like that. It doesn't sound as if finances come into that decision at all and it doesn't sound as if he wants to make you lose out financially.

I'd stay being partners that don't live together. Spend some time at yours, some at his and some time separately, for now and see how things develop. I think it's worth giving it a chance to progress, it doesn't sound as if he is deliberately being controlling or manipulative - just honest about his perceived needs - which may or may not change over time.

You've known him a year. You've hardly seen each other in that time. I think taking things one step at a time sounds very wise. What's the rush. You need to get to know each other first.

Are you saying he'd live with you and you keep receiving bh and wtc?

He'd have his own place, so he wouldn't be 'living with her'.

All academic now.
Had the talk. He finished it.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm heartbroken.

So sorry OP

Have a

I'm sorry, OP. I was just coming here to ask if you were absolutely sure he wasn't stringing you along with another woman, because he didn't sound very committed to you at all, then I read your update. You deserve more. Go easy on yourself.

I'm sorry OP xx

Ah that's hard. I'm sorry, but maybe better now than later, 😞

Oh OP. I'm really sorry.

At least now you know where his priorities lie, and can start to slowly move on. Be kind to yourself.

Aw, that always sucks even if splitting up was the right decision. Hope you can have a big hug soon.

Better sooner than later, but that doesn't stop the pain does it?

Really sorry it came to this.

I'm sorry the two of you couldn't find a compromise. But much better it's happened now before either of you uprooted your entire lives only to find that you really didn't have the same 'dream'.

Give yourself a few days to mope about. Be sad. Then remember that you do have a lovely independent life and wonderful children. And that life always has surprises in store for us.

I think the lesson to learn, whilst your children are young, is to stick a little closer to home when looking for someone special.

:(

Much, much better to find out now rather than further down the line, you didn't sound compatible, and he sounds like a bit of a twat - so be grateful you've dodged a bullet

I've been following the thread but didnt comment as you had such good advice. My heart goes out to you as I know how you must be feeling right now. You won't see it yet, but this was the best outcome.

I was in your position before I met dh. We took it slowly as neither were in a rush. He lived with me after a while half the time and I didn't ask him for a penny. When we were both ready, he committed in every way to our unit, financially too despite me being on benefits and him a top earner. My children were similar ages to yours at the time and he was prepared to be a dad to them.

I know how you feel now but what you need to slowly accept is that the whole relationship was wrong, and that he is likely to be a stepping stone to the equal relationship you will have with a man who really wants to share his life with you and your kids. This may be totally off the mark but it sounds to me as if he was definately protecting his assets having listened to too many people with a story to tell. Thinking of you but you'll look back one day with relief.

I'm sorry, OP.

I know it sucks right now, but I think it would have sucked more if he'd done it all his way. You and your children would have been left in a poorer position, and you would have been stressed and resentful.

((hugs))

So sorry OP. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it really is for the best.

I'm so sorry to hear that :( At least you found out before you had to re-apply for all your benefits! Cold comfort I know.

I'm very sad for you, that you're heartbroken. Truly I am - but I agree that you have probably dodged a bullet here, and while it wasn't your choice, and it's not what you wanted, you're eventually going to realise that it was the right thing for both of you.

Now you don't have to worry about it - just carry on with your life and I hope that you meet someone who is prepared to love you completely and give more of himself to the relationship, so you can have a proper partnership.

Really sorry to hear that.

How sad. May be try to find someone next time you earn more than - works well. It is fun too.

i'd rather she found someone who valued her more than money or anything else.