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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable for a DP to need separate holidays and home?

174 replies

user1471551792 · 12/01/2017 11:43

Hi all, this is my first post. Longtime lurker.

I've been with my DP for 13 months. He lives up north about 250 miles away and we see each other for two or three days about twice a month. Either at his or mine. I have children and he doesn't. I love him very much and it's reciprocal. Our plan is for him to move here and he is job searching. He has also said on numerous occasions that he wants to marry me. He's a decade older than me. He earns a significantly higher salary. He owns his home and I rent. I don't want to move to him as it would drastically reduce my DC's contact with their father, with whom we all have a good relationship.

So, the AIBU. In the short term it is that he has told me this week that he wants to go away for a week, on his own, at Easter for some peace and relaxation. In the long term it is that when he moves here he wants to have his own place even if we marry. That is he has said he will always need his own space. He is adamant that this is not because of the children, but because he would need to step into his ordered life from time to time, for space.

I genuinely don't know if this is unreasonable. It feels...unusual? Odd? And also sort of disconnected. I can't afford to pay for a holiday, at least not equitably. In practical terms I also can't afford to continue paying my rent if we marry, as I will lose tax credits and housing benefit. I work btw. And it just feels "off" to be renting out his house, while we rent one each. It's not exactly the happy ever after...

I'd really welcome opinions. Thanks.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/01/2017 12:06

What does he say about the part where you can't actually afford to marry him with this plan?

CheerfulMuddler · 12/01/2017 12:07

I don't think it's necessarily off. I know my mum, for example, has been unmarried for over thirty years, and has always said she'd love a fella to go on nights out with and trips out, but wouldn't want someone coming into her house that's she's got so nice and interfering with her privacy.

And I have another friend who says she just can't cope with living with a partner - it's too much pressure and she feels like she can't ever turn off and be completely private. (I find this a bit odd as she can cope fine living with a flatmate, and it think it's to do with wider issues she has, but she insists that her last two relationships broke down because she moved in with the other person.)

I also don't have a problem with the holidays - I do this. (Mainly because I have more holiday than husband does and because I want to go on hobby- and religion-based holidays that he isn't into.)

BUT - and it's a big but. You need to be okay with this too. This has to be something that you discuss and agree together.

And yes, what everyone else said about marriage - have a celebration party, make your wills so you're happy about inheritance and don't sign the bit of paper. Or if marriage is really important to him, make sure you're financially compensated so you aren't out of pocket.

Original poster
user1471551792 · 12/01/2017 12:07

I currently receive tax credits and housing benefit. If I got married but said he was living elsewhere, even if he was, I should think that's not allowed and would seem like a fraud. Which it would be if he stays he every night.

I don't think I would or should be entitled to top up my income because my husband wants a second home. Well, third really.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/01/2017 12:08

I think there's no point in talking about marriage at the moment. You don't know each other well enough to have him move in with your children, and he doesn't want that anyway. If you want him in your future, let him look for jobs near you, live separately and see each other often.

If your idea of marriage is living together (which it is for virtually everyone) then you do have to consider whether you want this relationship. Of course you want him, but do you want someone you'll never live with?

MLGs · 12/01/2017 12:08

It might not work for a marriage, or it might not work for you personally in a marriage, but it sounds good for a boyfriend/ girlfriend arrangement.

I would be really slow to move a stepfather into my children's lives, and you've on been together 13 months.

If you don't like his point of view, dont' marry him at a later stage. Stay boyfriend and girlfriend. Or split up when it stops working for you if he doesnt want to change things.

You kids will grow up eventually too.

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2017 12:08

He said he would spend every night at mine and the other place would house his stuff etc and he could go to for space.

That doesn't sound like a marriage to me. I understand people have different ideas and if you think it would work for you, brilliant and go ahead. It doesn't sound like you want a marriage like that either. I'd question the long term future of this relationship when you want different things.

Zarachristmas · 12/01/2017 12:12

Op the law is patchy on what counts as benefit fraud.

There's no rule on how many nights a partner can stay, they look at the overall picture but ultimately you would be the one in the vulnerable position and I don't think what he's suggesting is workable.

PinkBunnyOnesieOnOrder · 12/01/2017 12:13

Given 'he needs to step into his ordered life' I don't see this working. He's trying to main two different lives.

I also think the Easter holiday is a bit weird. Given you don't get to spend much time together, I'd be a bit Hmm that when you do get the opportunity, he wants to go away on his own.

You can't do as he plans unless he replaces your benefits with cash, on top of paying his way when you live together, because whether you get married or not, he can't live there/stay regularly without you losing your benefits.

You're not being controlling, at all. You're being normal, he's being weird. He's half in, half out. It definitely wouldn't be for me.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2017 12:14

Whilst I can see the point of him getting his own place initially when he moves down, there is no way I would live separately once married. What would be the point of getting married if you are essentially going to live as girlfriend/boyfriend? No, no, no.

And as for "you do know that lots of married people live separately?" - no, they don't. The rare ones who do are either dysfunctional (Woody Allen/Mia Farrow) or are forced by circumstance to live that way temporarily (armed forces, work commitments).

FelicityGubbins · 12/01/2017 12:14

I understand his need for space, but to disadvantage yourself and your dc to accommodate his need for it would be utterly stupid. Keep him as a boyfriend, and if he does move closer to you then make sure you don't end up with him cocklodging.

Dahlietta · 12/01/2017 12:14

Well, it certainly is quite unusual, but not unheard of. I don't think he is being unreasonable, but then neither are you if you are not happy with it. If you're going to be a partnership, married or otherwise, you need to both be happy with the arrangements in it. If you're not happy with it, you need to tell him and if you can't reach a compromise, then I'm afraid he's probably not the man for you.

Zarachristmas · 12/01/2017 12:15

I agree with pps, by all means he can move closer, enjoy a relationship and test the waters so to speak.

But it sounds like your ideas of a marriage long term differ. You're not being controlling imo, it's early days, but he sounds like he wants the best of both worlds.

80sWaistcoat · 12/01/2017 12:15

Sounds bloody brilliant to me - really wish I'd done that till my DH's kids had left home. Would have been so much easier for all of us.

I really need my space and found it v hard adjusting to busy family life after living on my own for years and was a bit of a cow to live with.

HecateAntaia · 12/01/2017 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenMab99 · 12/01/2017 12:15

When my late husband and I first married, for various reaons, his job and my children, we lived separately for part of the week. it was wonderful! the best of both worlds in my opinion, after a few years he sold his house and moved in with me. It was fine, but I must say the separate houses arrangement was more restful! Also his home was in a city, so we had a base for cultural events, meals out etc.

Ohyesiam · 12/01/2017 12:17

Emotionally It sounds like heaven to me. But you can't Financially lose out, what died he day when you discuss these practicalities? He can't move forward with a plan knowing it impoverish you. But people are very creative financially these days ( I don't mean that as a euphemism for fraud, I mean passive streams of income etc).
So it's two things, wheather the distance aspect of the marriage is for you, and of it can work financially.

PinkBunnyOnesieOnOrder · 12/01/2017 12:18

He said he would spend every night at mine and the other place would house his stuff etc and he could go to for space

He's sounding more & more weird all the time.

It would defnitely go against the rules of getting benefits, no matter how you dress it up - as you agree it should.

Costacoffeeplease · 12/01/2017 12:18

Don't marry him - if he wants to move nearer and carry on seeing you a couple of times a week or so, that's fine, if you're happy with it, but marriage and escaping to his bolt hole down the road, no

Ohyesiam · 12/01/2017 12:19

And this is probably not something you can arranged from the outset, more feel your way in, take a few steps, see how it feels maybe?

AllTheLight · 12/01/2017 12:21

Have you explained to him that you would be significantly worse off financially? What did he say?

EineKleine · 12/01/2017 12:22

It doesn't matter what other people do, it just matters whether this would be acceptable to you or not. If the finances disadvantage you then his suggestion needs to be tweaked until it's fair. But if it will not be emotionally acceptable to you, then you need to say so.

Do you mean you'd miss out financially because you couldn't move in with him, a home owner, and save rent, or than he would cost you in extra food, heating etc by staying with you?

I think it needs a conversation about the very long term too. How does he envisage spending retirement?

Zarachristmas · 12/01/2017 12:22

It's one thing having separate homes if both are equal. Op is not, she is renting, she has a lower income, she has children. She can't do as he's proposing because she needs benefits to top up her earnings.

It sounds like he wants all the perks of a wife/girlfriend but keep his single life too.

It's always a tricky situation when you've got children. It is early days and who knows he could change his mind, but you could end up still living as a single parent but having a grown man snoring in your bed, leaving his socks and pants and doing his washing and cooking but him contributing nothing.

Don't fall into that trap.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 12/01/2017 12:25

And this is probably not something you can arranged from the outset, more feel your way in, take a few steps, see how it feels maybe?

Disagree with this. I know this situation would not work for me. Trying it out would more than likely cause more conflict later on. Obviously can only speak for myself but I'd hate to be in a situation where I'd tried it out against my better judgement and it didn't work.

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2017 12:27

I agree with you formerly. I can't see the point in wasting time and getting more emotionally involved with someone who ultimately couldn't be with me in the way that I wanted.

shovetheholly · 12/01/2017 12:30

What you're describing would work really well for some people and not at all for others. It really depends greatly on what you need. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' - just how you personally feel.

My friend and her DP live very separate lives. They spend more time apart (sometimes in different countries) than they do together. But it suits them both, because they're not very couple-y people. They have their individual way of doing things, and they both need a lot of space. While they love each other tremendously, they would argue all the time if they were together all the time. They don't have kids, and both pursue their own careers.

I am much more couple-y. I love being with DH, and we do pretty much everything together be it chores, socialising or even working when we get the chance. We do spend time apart for work sometimes, but we both increasingly like to keep this to a minimum.

My friend would be unhappy living my life, and I would be unhappy living hers! Both are right for us!