Is it unreasonable for a DP to need separate holidays and home?

[user1471551792]

Hi all, this is my first post. Longtime lurker.

I've been with my DP for 13 months. He lives up north about 250 miles away and we see each other for two or three days about twice a month. Either at his or mine. I have children and he doesn't. I love him very much and it's reciprocal. Our plan is for him to move here and he is job searching. He has also said on numerous occasions that he wants to marry me. He's a decade older than me. He earns a significantly higher salary. He owns his home and I rent. I don't want to move to him as it would drastically reduce my DC's contact with their father, with whom we all have a good relationship.

So, the AIBU. In the short term it is that he has told me this week that he wants to go away for a week, on his own, at Easter for some peace and relaxation. In the long term it is that when he moves here he wants to have his own place even if we marry. That is he has said he will always need his own space. He is adamant that this is not because of the children, but because he would need to step into his ordered life from time to time, for space.

I genuinely don't know if this is unreasonable. It feels...unusual? Odd? And also sort of disconnected. I can't afford to pay for a holiday, at least not equitably. In practical terms I also can't afford to continue paying my rent if we marry, as I will lose tax credits and housing benefit. I work btw. And it just feels "off" to be renting out his house, while we rent one each. It's not exactly the happy ever after...

I'd really welcome opinions. Thanks.

I don't see the point at all in marrying this person. If it doesn't feel right for you (it wouldn't for me), then don't do it. You're the one who's going to have to live with it every day for the rest of your life, not us.

But in the meantime Bluntness, he will have changed jobs (which may or may not work out, he might love it he might hate it) and moved 250 miles from his current home (leaving friends, family, favourite coffee shops etc. behind). This gives him the Look-What-I-Gave-Up-For-You bargaining chip in any such discussion, which he could use to pressure the OP. Now really is the time to have such a discussion, not later when he would have the advantage.

We are going to discuss at the weekend. He really would be chucking up everything. Home, friends, job...It will be a huge change. I suppose I worry that asking for even more seems a step too far or churlish under the circumstances.

OP what matters is how you feel about it. How can people on the internet decide what the right boundaries are for your relationship? If it isn't your idea of love and happiness then it isn't ! you cant' seriously alter your expectations because a total random on the internet says it wouldn't bother them.

Please don't lower your standards - no it's not normal to marry and keep a separate home !

" I need to be able to step into my ordered world sometimes. "

Yeah, don't we all!

Keeping another house on seems to be an extreme way of doing it though.

Helena B-C & Tim Burton still split!

So if he is buying/running a house, does that mean he expects to just be at yours when he wants at no extra expense?

I sort of get his point - it sounds quite appealing from his point of view.

However he will "have it all" if you marry or even move in together, while you will take the hit.

As he has been brutally honest you should be too - tell him you will consider his plan only if he ensures it doesn't leave you financially worse off - he must at the very least pay a share of the rent which compensates you in full for every penny of the benefits you lose by cohabitation, otherwise he does not spend any more nights with you than in your current relationship, and you absolutely do not marry.

Would you also like a place of your own? I suspect most of us would, but can't afford a family home plus multiple satellite oases

You say he is changing everything - but that is what people do.

When I moved in with my partner I also felt those nerves of change - it's normal to feel that, but it's sad that you feel you are asking 'too much' by just asking that he lives with you as a normal partner. He is obviously a bit worried about the big move but better to be honest now and say that longer term you would not be happy with separate holidays or separate homes.

perhaps the comprimise is that he has his time to himself but lives with you.

It just sounds like he doesn't want to play a large part in your children's lives to me. He says it's not because of the children, but what other reason could there be? How is he with your kids? I would not be thinking of committing to someone who wanted to give me 30% of themselves. All the risk is on your side.

Yep if you will be comfortably off if you pool resources would a house with a separate small building in the garden (summer house/ home office/ detached garage conversation/ granny flat) be a realistic compromise?

He has put his cards on the table so you need to be absolutely brutally honest in return.

It would be interesting to see what he would think of you proposing that he would share the rent, officially sharing your home (for honesty with benefits etc) but running a second home on the side. However that is letting him set the agenda rather.

How do you envisage the financials working if he bought a bigger house near you, mortgage free? Perhaps he is worried about you expecting him to provide a free home for you all, and he is kind of pushing you away to see if you're after him or his money?!

If it helps, I wouldn't worry at all about him going on holiday without you. You are only together a few days a month, I think it's proportional to that. It's a shame he doesn't want to go with you, but I don't think it's that weird or worrying. Holidays really aren't he same with children, I must admit! But if it went on for years I would be looking for other signs of commitment and reassurances.

He sounds already married to me.....

It's not the model of marriage I would aspire to and it sounds like it's not yours either.
It seems he is only concerned about what would work for him and really, as marriage is about partnership and shared lives, it must work for you too. Yes, there are married couples who live apart but i think you'll find generally that most are affluent enough to be able to afford the cost of buying and maintaining two homes.
If you are going to lose out financially through kids of benefits and the "living apart" model of marriage doesn't appeal to you I would very cautious about going ahead.

I think the thing about holidays is that he can easily afford them and I can't at all. So it feels like he will go because he can and we won't have them. Now that feels unreasonable of me because it's his money and it intuitively feels controlling on my part. But something niggles about it. And it really isn't because I'm after his money or what that could bring.

What about him buying a larger house which is divided into 2 flats? (hard to find, I know!). So that he has his man cave?
But if you marry, this property would be a marital asset, surely?

Yes fair enough, good point. He may say he loves you but he doesn't sound that interested in making you happy.

The fidelity thing had crossed my mind too, but only you can assess that.

He says it is absolutely not the kids, but me. That I'm not as mindful as he is. The way I do the washing up, laundry etc. He finds me chaotic and sees himself as ordered.

I very much see that as something which can be dealt with by mutual understanding and compromise. And I'm a single mother with a full time job. I'm not comparable to a person living alone, no. But I'm also proud of the way I manage my life and do a competent job of raising children and working and running a house.

Marriage ultimately is about mutual commitment and he is making it very clear that whilst he expects total commitment from you, he is never going to reciprocate. If you are happy with that as the best you can expect as a long term future with him then fair enough but I think you are allowing the discussion of marriage to confuse you as to what is actually being offered to you.

He says he's going to spend every night at yours, except of course when he decides not to and goes to his own place. Have you discussed if you will also have the freedom to decide, when you feel like it, that he won't be spending the night at yours? If you haven't, it might be worth bringing it up to see what he says.So either it is entirely one-sided and he expects to come and go as he pleases or he he is really just seeing you as a couple who will see each other a lot but with no real commitment. Which ever way you dress it up, it is not a marriage.

Also, how do your kids factor into his plans? They are a part of your life and if he wants to share your life he has to commit to them as well. Has that even been discussed? What role does he see himself playing in their lives?

Sorry, the more I think about it the more I think you are kidding yourself about this relationship having legs. If I were in your position I would either be politely ending it on the basis that we both won't different things or saying to him fine, move down and let's see what happens but don't expect me to fully commit as long as you are unwilling to.

If he was moving up but not moving in just yet, seeing how things went, that would sound very sensible.

Planning it as the long term way-things-will-be sounds unsustainable. He can and will opt out of any part of family life that he doesn't want to join in with. Imagine how easy it would be to cheat.
I think the separate holiday part sounds more reasonable, could he not just have the odd night or weekend away whenever he needs his "ordered life".

He said he would spend every night at mine and the other place would house his stuff etc and he could go to for space

So you would have to pay for food, electricity, gas for him? And he contributes fuck all? And you could also lose tax benefits?

Is he going to recompense you for this?

My DH moved from the North to be with me in London. He sold his house and we bought one together. If he had suggested we rent separate houses, it would have been a deal breaker for me.

He sounds like a long term batchelor friend of DH's - does he own only absolutely identical socks so as never to incorrectly air two with tiny differences in the weave? Does he keep absolutely every single food item in his cupboards decanted into labelled Tupperware, ordered alphabetically? Books also ordered alphabetically?

We stayed with that friend once and DH shocked me by saying he'd love to live like that - I'm quite... Laid back and a bit disorganised and we have 3 kids ...

The friend has occasional love affairs and ideolises his girlfriend of the time, but his relationships end because he is honest about the fact he couldn't live with anyone.

I suspect OP's boyfriend is now too set in his ways to cope with the normal organised chaos of family life, so what he is asking seems necessary to him - but it absolutely isn't fair on the OP.

Unless there is a lot of money to go around and he can pay his share of family home and family holiday costs and would actively want to do so and see it as only right, as well as finance whatever retreat it's probably a non starter.

He's not scoring very high on his level of respect for you either, it seems to me.

5moreminutes I think it's far more than him not being able to cope with disorganisation. After all, he's expecting to LIVE full time with OP but keep the security of his own home separately...he SAYS it's for peace but in reality it's him ringfencing his own property.

youd be completely stupid to marry him if he wants to live seperartly. Just have a casual relationship where you can still claim your benefits, and just see him whenever, then neither of you lose out

Yes, he's giving up friends, home, job, location...

But he's asking you AND YOUR CHILDREN to go without more, too. I imagine you won't be having joint accounts under the circumstances, with two homes to pay for, your children/not his children, his need for things to not actually change for him... You are going to lose income ... that he essentially believes will 'magically work out. Income doesn't work like that unless he's planning to pay into your account the amount equal to the benefits you will be losing.

I wouldn't marry him if it was me, and I wouldn't move in with him. I'd probably end the relationship over it, too, if my children were young. Life is too short to want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with you and your life.

Let him stay where he is or get his own place nearby.

Don't marry him. No reason why you should under his projected arrangement.

Married-but-living-separately can work, but it's not going to work for you, financially, so don't do it. Keep yourself safe.