Is it unreasonable for a DP to need separate holidays and home?

[user1471551792]

Hi all, this is my first post. Longtime lurker.

I've been with my DP for 13 months. He lives up north about 250 miles away and we see each other for two or three days about twice a month. Either at his or mine. I have children and he doesn't. I love him very much and it's reciprocal. Our plan is for him to move here and he is job searching. He has also said on numerous occasions that he wants to marry me. He's a decade older than me. He earns a significantly higher salary. He owns his home and I rent. I don't want to move to him as it would drastically reduce my DC's contact with their father, with whom we all have a good relationship.

So, the AIBU. In the short term it is that he has told me this week that he wants to go away for a week, on his own, at Easter for some peace and relaxation. In the long term it is that when he moves here he wants to have his own place even if we marry. That is he has said he will always need his own space. He is adamant that this is not because of the children, but because he would need to step into his ordered life from time to time, for space.

I genuinely don't know if this is unreasonable. It feels...unusual? Odd? And also sort of disconnected. I can't afford to pay for a holiday, at least not equitably. In practical terms I also can't afford to continue paying my rent if we marry, as I will lose tax credits and housing benefit. I work btw. And it just feels "off" to be renting out his house, while we rent one each. It's not exactly the happy ever after...

I'd really welcome opinions. Thanks.

Has he said he will keep his own money? To me the money is important. If we have separate finances he's a boyfriend, if our finances are shared he's a partner. I don't see how the term partner can have any meaning with his and hers money.

Whilst I understand that some couples benefit from living apart, this is throwing up major red flags for me.

OP, my immediate thoughts were that you would lose all benefits. On HB and TC paperwork you have to declare your 'Partner's' income etc. It usually says in the guidance that partner means your spouse, or someone that you live with as if they are a spouse. My local area has strict rules for HB - you cannot have a regular guest (the example they give is someone who regularly stays for 3 or more days a week, or 12 or more days in a month) so this would rule out him staying every night.

I am a single parent on these benefits too. If I were to enter a relationship that lasted I wouldn't be moving in with anyone where it might affect my income unless they committed to paying their share (ideally by getting a joint account). Ideally now I wouldn't actually move in with anyone until I married them. For that reason, I'd actually be happy enough continuing a relationship from separate homes, provided they were truly separate.

It really sounds like he wants to have everything his way and is being very controlling and patronising. My ex was like this, and if he could have afforded his own place he would have done. Instead he was a cocklodger who constantly criticised everything I did (without doing things his way to help out) and who would leave and go to his Mums if he wanted 'peace' (aka to punish me for whatever my latest transgression was, whether it was being too close to my family, not earning enough, not wanting him to sit around playing computer games in his pants, my being ill etc.), when that stopped being an option he started hitting me instead.

If this is such a sacrifice for him then he should call it off with you. If he wants to be with you there's nothing wrong with him moving down and living in his own place - as long as he actually lives there.

One final thing that occurs to me is that this talk of marriage and his sacrifice could simply be a means to control you. He may not have the slightest intention to marry you but instead is holding it up as a prize for you to achieve - ie. He will marry you when he feels you finally meet his standards. This is what my ex did with me and it's a form of abuse.

Of you want to carry on the relationship then you must stand up and tell him what you want, and if you must compromise then opt for the LTR in separate homes without marriage because this is what's safest for you and DC. But you have to be prepared to break it off if you can't reach a compromise if you are worried it may leave you worse off. Don't allow yourself to be put in a risky position.

These are really helpful responses.

To pick up some points:

He did pay for the two of us to have an expensive trip last year. To a dream destination for me.

He says we can have a family holiday too.

He is very generous. I couldn't be with a mean man.

He isn't married. He was but they divorced in the late nineties. I frequently spend time with his family and friends and spend a lot of time at his place.

Many of these posts have great points that really resonate with me. I am going to make a note of them so I don't forget on Saturday.

I rather respect his honesty. Better than landing it on you, out of the blue, when married. And I'm sorry OP (absolutely no disrespect here) but if I married someone with young children, having had none of my own, then I'd need space now and again too.
Yes, it's a bit unconventional, but we're all different, with our own needs.

I think he really likes you but finds the noise or mess or clutter of family life difficult. This could be for a really valid reason like SPD, ASD or OCD or it could just be that he's used to having things how he likes them. I think I'd want to dig into this a bit more and check that it's about his coping skills rather than a lack of commitment either emotionally or financially, but only you can decide whether that kind of setup would work for you or not.

That's a good point, Apple.

He told me some time ago that he's working hard to combat OCD type behaviour. It was the major contributing factor to the break up of his last long term cohabiting relationship.

I think it is that more than him having cold feet. But he's gregarious and a really fun lover of life. It's not sort of taken over if you see what I mean.

I can't bear the thought of irritating him. For my own pride and self - esteem as much as anything.

It's pretty sensible to keep your house and rent another if you're moving 250 miles to progress in a relationship with someone you only spend 4 - 6 nights a month with.

The part about "I'll spend 7 nights with you"... did that come out of your concerns that he wasn't really committing to your household? It sounds like something said reassuringly. If it was out of the blue then i'd raise my eyebrow too.

What kind of house is he planning to rent near you? Is it big enough for all of you to spend time in?

He is being honest with you, fine to have his own place and holidays as you are barely dating given the actual time you spend together.

You seem to want to rush into marriage and will benefit financially (you wanted a generous man) from that whereas he loses financially, has to share space with children not his own etc.

You don't sound compatible long term.

No it would be a bolt hole one bed flat type affair.

He wouldn't earn above 50k.

TBH, I can see his perspective. He has a high income and no kids, and you have kids and a much lower income. He is probably scared and wanting to protect himself, as so many marriages don't work out. If he buys a home with you, he could lose it if you split up, and he might not be keen to live with your children or to support them financially.

A lot of older people who've seen their friends and family get divorced feel the same way. What's wrong with living separately and keeping your own finances? Your children might prefer it too. The poorer partner is always the one who wants to share finances, but the better off person doesn't always want to take the risk.

If you're not after his money, then prove it by not trying to pressurise him into stepping into provider/daddy shoes that he doesn't want. I also don't see why he can't go on holiday without you - if he goes with you, he'd have to pay for you and your kids, and go more kiddy related activities, and maybe he wants to just chill out. Not every man wants to supply free holidays as part of the girlfriend/boyfriend deal.

In your shoes I would want him to choose to spend holiday time with me; and I would want him to choose to live with me, full time.

He's been very clear about not wanting those things. I would proceed with caution and tbh be open to the idea that if you go ahead you may always resent his "need my own space" approach and also his criticisms of the way you live. Are you sure he's worth it? I certainly wouldn't marry him but no harm in carrying on as significant others and see what happens. I don't think yabu; neither is he.

Harsh that is a fair point. Although he brought up marriage. I think if he wants the space thing then there cannot be a marriage. It just can't work.

I'm actually better of financially if he doesn't move at all. He gets to keep his large disposable income, much of which he is happy to share. He always asks if I need money and has given me a lot, with no expectation or asking to be paid back. He very much has a generosity of spirit.

In whatever scenario he moves here we will both be financially worse off. Me because I can't rely on him helping out if I'm a bit short etc.

I really just want him with me.

What are people's views on this as him being a step parent? Do I need to get my head around it not being the same as if he were their dad and wanted to use his higher income for lone holidays and a flat? I sound unreasonable don't I.

Everything seems to benefit you and be what you want rather than him. You don't want to move, you want his income for joint holidays rather than him spend his salary as he chooses and expect him to provide for your children.

He in return, has to leave his home, family, friends and support a girlfriend and her children financially.

That's a huge thing to ask and seems very controlling. You stand to lose nothing bar your state benefits.

Sheldon I can see how it looks that way. I'd move like a shot if it wasn't for my children who are settled in school and have a stable and happy arrangement with their father. I have to put them first.

I'll reflect on your other points though. I think you've hit the crux of why I feel unreasonable.

"You stand to lose nothing bar your state benefits."
Those state benefits allow you your independence. That is a lot to lose.

I know a number of people with such arrangements and many of the relationships have been stable for decades. If he knows himself well enough to know he would need a separate place to go in order to remain stable and not resent you and the kids being different to him, that's a good sign. The bad sign is he doesn't seem to comprehend how your finances would be affected and that you would be only benefitting from the relationship at his whim.

If he could move near you and you take it slowly and decide over the next few years how you want to organise money and the control of it together, and what level of relationship he will build with your kids (if he's got his own place it's easeier to maintain an avuncular family-friend role, but if he's 100% living with you then it's very hard to escape stepparent-type interaction), then it could work. Don't rush though.

I think you're both jumping the gun massively after only 13 months, when you've only been able to spend two weekends a month together.I would take things much more slowly.

Someone in my life is currently suffering the fallout of a second marriage ending in very messy circumstances - essentially she and her DH remain as much in love as ever, but even after the best part of three years married and living together, he and her children don't work at all well together under the same roof, and they've decided it's making everyone too unhappy.

It's a horrible situation, and everyone is suffering. It's possible that my colleague's DH (I don't know him) didn't realise how difficult he was going to find it sharing space and step-parenting with a lot of children with various needs of their own, and a comparatively nearby father.

What are people's views on this as him being a step parent?

See how you go with him as a neighbour first. 250 miles is like an on-going holiday romance. Take it slow

OP, a better solution for you (and him) would be that he moves into a local flat and you visit him overnight rather than he coming to your home. That way you can still legitimately claim the WTC. He can pop round for a visit but never stay overnight/keep any belongings at your place.

You will have to arrange overnight babysitting but your children's father can do that? Or grandparents?

He sounds a bit like me although I was married for 20 years. Now divorce with children I love my own space and I don't even think I'd ever move a boyfriend in here. I just like and need that time alione. It doesn't mean we are bad or wrong peope. I am also quite well off actually and I would not want to share or risk joint finances with any man ever as I want my children to inherit 100%. If that puts boyfriends off, so be it as I am very content with my own company.

I certainly think it might make sense if he bought a studio apartment near where you rent if he could afford that and then he could let it out on airbnb when he isn't there and when he is there you could come to him locally.

Thanks again for suggestions.

I will never live with a partner again. It just doesn't work for me, and relationships are much healthier when we don't cohabit.

Your boyfriend is being much less 'traditional' than me - he wants to spend the night seven days a week, and just spend a few hours there some evenings/weekends. If someone needs me there in their house all the hours I'm not working, they aren't the one for me.

If you will never accept this way of living then tell him now and let him make a decision.

Much MORE traditional than me.

...and he wants to spend a few hours at the other house...

Fuck me, I'm too tired to type.