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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable for a DP to need separate holidays and home?

174 replies

user1471551792 · 12/01/2017 11:43

Hi all, this is my first post. Longtime lurker.

I've been with my DP for 13 months. He lives up north about 250 miles away and we see each other for two or three days about twice a month. Either at his or mine. I have children and he doesn't. I love him very much and it's reciprocal. Our plan is for him to move here and he is job searching. He has also said on numerous occasions that he wants to marry me. He's a decade older than me. He earns a significantly higher salary. He owns his home and I rent. I don't want to move to him as it would drastically reduce my DC's contact with their father, with whom we all have a good relationship.

So, the AIBU. In the short term it is that he has told me this week that he wants to go away for a week, on his own, at Easter for some peace and relaxation. In the long term it is that when he moves here he wants to have his own place even if we marry. That is he has said he will always need his own space. He is adamant that this is not because of the children, but because he would need to step into his ordered life from time to time, for space.

I genuinely don't know if this is unreasonable. It feels...unusual? Odd? And also sort of disconnected. I can't afford to pay for a holiday, at least not equitably. In practical terms I also can't afford to continue paying my rent if we marry, as I will lose tax credits and housing benefit. I work btw. And it just feels "off" to be renting out his house, while we rent one each. It's not exactly the happy ever after...

I'd really welcome opinions. Thanks.

OP posts:
TaggieRR · 12/01/2017 12:31

What does he say when you tell him you'd be financially worse off with his arrangements?

Themoreitsnowstiddlypom · 12/01/2017 12:31

For me it would be a deal breaker. This arrangement can work great if both involved are singing from the same hymn sheet and its working well all round.
When I met my husband i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, kids, home the works, if he wanted what your partner wanted i would have said no, he's either fully with me or not.
I personally would hate to think he needed time away, its the deal you make in my eyes, for richer and poorer and all that. You should be able to accomodate giving each other space without having to have seperate houses, its not hard plenty folk manage.
If it doesnt sit right for you say so, like I say that arrangement is not everyones cup of tea so if your not happy say so now and get it sorted.

Original poster
user1471551792 · 12/01/2017 12:35

Hi exact message yesterday:

I have said to you that I need to have my own space when I move up. I need to be able to step into my ordered world sometimes.
And if you can't accept that then we have a problem. I have tried to see what it would be like not to do that and it just doesn't sit right with me.
I told you that I want to be with you and I do. But we have differing sensibilities about some aspects of living and I need to be able to embrace mine at times.

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 12/01/2017 12:38

I wouldn't go for that. He's doing it to stave off a complete commitment to you if you ask me.

user1477282676 · 12/01/2017 12:39

Most people who need to "step into their own space" have an office or private "den" at home. What's wrong with him having that?

Original poster
user1471551792 · 12/01/2017 12:39

I did explain about the financial implications for me, yes. It has been met with a sort of "we can see, let's not worry about it yet" attitude.

OP posts:
ChuckSnowballs · 12/01/2017 12:39

He said he would spend every night at mine and the other place would house his stuff etc and he could go to for space.

Surely this means he would be contributing to your rent as you would have to declare him staying with you 7 nights a week?

timeisnotaline · 12/01/2017 12:40

You need to be clear that you can accept that now, but is not your view of marriage.

Mistletoetastic · 12/01/2017 12:43

how old are your DC? could he buying time until they leave home?

OliviaStabler · 12/01/2017 12:44

Would he expect you to pay rent for the place you would live in but he own the house he buys? If so, it sounds to me like he is protecting his money in case you would be entitled to some of it if you married but later split.

oblada · 12/01/2017 12:49

I do not know if it has been mentioned but you would most likely still lose your benefits if he was to spend most of his time in your house and just keep a "spare" house for his own space...I am not aware that marriage has a particular meaning for benefits' purpose. it is mostly about where people live most of the time.

It sounds bonkers to me too, if this is what he needs that is his choice, I would personally reconsider the viability of this relationship on that basis but it is up to you. He is being honest early on in terms of what he will need in the future. If you do not think it will work then it is a good opportunity to reconsider now!

Original poster
user1471551792 · 12/01/2017 12:51

He wants to rent out the one he owns and use the profit to rent another in my town.

I would carry on as I am.

That's a plan of three houses in the mix for two people who supposedly want to be married and spend the rest of their lives together.

I suppose ideally I would like him to sell his place. He'd be able to buy a house here, be mortgage free or very near enough due to his equity and difference in house prices. We could also get something much bigger where he could have at least one or even two rooms for his sole use.

My children are six and ten.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 12/01/2017 12:55

Wouldn't work for me.

I would expect us to live near each other for a period of time and then if we decided to marry (or live together) that all finances would then become joint. I know many married couple have separate finances but that would be a deal breaker for me. I am the larger earner in my household so it would benefit me if they were separate but I would see that as very selfish.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2017 12:56

"I did explain about the financial implications for me, yes. It has been met with a sort of "we can see, let's not worry about it yet" attitude."

Time to get the bargepole out ...

That comment, together with his 'exact message' that you posted, says to me that you should not live together or be married. By all means continue the relationship as it is, but there is no progression of that relationship possible whilst he holds such opinions. I would also point out that both of his viewpoints put him at the centre and you - well, absolutely nowhere. It's all about him.

user1477282676 · 12/01/2017 13:00

It sounds like he's protecting his investment...his house. By not letting you benefit in any way from it's sale.

EineKleine · 12/01/2017 13:01

Ah sorry, I missed the benefit issue. Well yes, I think this would be an issue whether you are married or not. He may not have considered that angle before which is fair enough, but the acid test is whether he still wants to press on with his own plan regardless.

It sounds like there needs to be some compromise if it's going to work, and you need to make sure you're not the only one compromising. Or perhaps you just want life set-ups that are just too different and he is not theright man for you. Sadly people can like each other, find each other attractive etc without always being able to make each other happy.

Original poster
user1471551792 · 12/01/2017 13:02

I'm really grateful for these opinions. And thank you for the honesty but sensitivity.

I'm a bit sad.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2017 13:04

((Hugs))

Original poster
user1471551792 · 12/01/2017 13:06

I am totally on board with the benefits comments. Not only in that I would never do anything to flout the rules, but that I really believe that I should not receive them if a partner is contributing or if I married.

They enable me to work and put a roof over our head. They are not salves for relationship choices.

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 12/01/2017 13:06

User don't be sad. It's good you've got MN to get it all out to...and people who will give you clear opinions and thoughts.

You just need to re think things. It doesn't mean the end of the relationship perhaps...just that it's not the relationship you wanted it to be.

Stormtreader · 12/01/2017 13:09

When exactly would he be at his place with his stuff if hes spending every night at yours? I think it would sound less weird if his plan was to spend 3 days at his, 3 days at yours or similar.

Saying it'll be every night is giving me a weird feeling of "if I decide your house is too messy or the kids are being annoying or we have a row or you're sick, I want to be able to just leave, let you deal with it, and then decide if I feel like coming back or not"

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2017 13:09

It has been met with a sort of "we can see, let's not worry about it yet" attitude.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 12/01/2017 13:12

I don't think you should be sad, I think you need to make the situation benefit you. Why not propose just having your own places and continuing as you were, albeit with him living a lot closer so you will see more of him. See how things go, only get married if he is willing to share property together. If not just keep him as a boyfriend. It may be a step back from the marriage idea but it might give you and your kids more time to see how it pans out when you are together more. Him moving in could cause unforeseen problems with your children.

FelicityGubbins · 12/01/2017 13:12

'You must comply or there will be trouble' is he Robocop? Hmm He wants a WIFE (washing, ironing, fucking etc) with none of the commitments of being a husband. I wouldn't be in any rush if I were you op..

kaelea · 12/01/2017 13:15

I thought most married men who wanted time out and their own space had a glorified shed Man Cave in the garden, or a train set in the loft, could he not do something like that?

although reading what you've already stated, if I were you, I'd be running for the hills about now

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