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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex stopping child maintenance while he takes children on holiday.

171 replies

Fragglewump · 11/01/2017 07:27

My ex husband texted me to say that it makes sense to only pay half his child maintenance to me in August as he is taking the children away for 2 weeks so will have them with 'all the costs involved'. I told him that seeing as he has never contributed a single penny towards a school trip/residential or the times I take the children on holiday why should I pay for his holiday. He is 'gobsmacked' by my response.

OP posts:
userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 11/01/2017 18:23

Sorry needsahalo, maybe didn't come across correct, I have kept the diary since October (time of split) m, this is based on nights since split, not only October.

HardofCleaning · 11/01/2017 18:26

*You need to be careful presenting this as fact. A very high earning NRP may have to pay thousands annually in maintenance, potentially as much as a part time, half decent salary (or more). Potentially way, way more than is needed to raise a child. There is no official 'all children cost £X to raise' because needs and parental expectation are variable.
*

That is true should say in the majority of cases, a very
high earner could be paying a large amount.

Original poster
Fragglewump · 11/01/2017 18:28

userformallyknownasuser1475360 It sounds like you have the dcs twice a week and your dw has them for 5 nights? I'm assuming that your MIL has the dcs as favour or paid arrangement between your dw and her. If that is the case then you are only responsible for them the minority of the time. So no you are not the NRP.

OP posts:
KenzieBoosMummy · 11/01/2017 18:34

I would offer to accept a lesser amount in order to contribute towards the rent/mortgage on the property the children live in and towards the electric to keep some of the food they'll eat frozen whilst they're gone. Yes it sounds petty but if he wants to be pedantic..... Maybe offer to accept 40/50% of the normal amount? Or even less? Descendant on how much he usually pays of course. If not, call Child Maintenance Options and ask them :) x

StealthPolarBear · 11/01/2017 18:36

I'd love to know what council tax discount he gets

lalalalyra · 11/01/2017 18:42

userformallyknownasuser1475360

If your split is relatively recent then you might be best to see how things go. Especially when you consider Christmas/new Year and school holidays can have an impact on childcare etc. If your wife has responsibility for the children 5 nights and you 2 then she is the RP - even if on some of her nights she has to organise childcare for the children, the fact that she has to organise that is the key.

If you have true 50/50 care then you'll end up with two choices with regard to benefits - you can either decide between you who claims them, you can try to claim them and the benefits people will work out who they believe is the RP (they'll do that by the little things - who is the first contact with the school, whose address are the registered at with the doctor, who buys their toothbrush) or you can split the benefits by claiming for 1 child each (I'm now doubting if you said you had 2 or more kids - so if I've muddled you with someone else then apologies).

KenzieBoosMummy · 11/01/2017 18:44

ACTUALLY I TAKE BACK MY ABOVE COMMENT!!! After having read more of the comments, I totally agree that it definitely should still be paid 100% and that the CMS should be involved. However, be prepared for a very very long wait. Took me a year as my ex avoided them as much as he could and even when he simply flat refused to pay they still took their time in taking it to the next stage.
However, we are finally there!! ...but for how long?! EnvyFlowers

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 11/01/2017 19:17

lalalalyra

Thanks for your input, at this stage there is only one dc (there is a dsd who I would have treated like a daughter and supported like my daughter but she is now 19 dropped out of university and working full time away from home).

Addresses etc are always going to be in the house where dw lives simply because it is the marital home.

At this stage I am not going to broach the subject with dw as we are considering our options and not sure if we are going to reconcile or not, a row about this would not lend to sorting ourselves out, but I would be of the belief that should the split be permanent then we would need to look at it a bit closer esp considering dw is still living in the marital home on an interest only mortgage and I a paying substantially more in rent.

ThanksForAllTheFish · 11/01/2017 20:13

Ok for all the people who are saying he is right not to pay her you really don't get it.

What if it was the other way round?

What if the OP took DC on holiday for 2 weeks. Should her ex be required to pay her more money on top of his regular amount for those 2 weeks because he won't have them overnight on his usual days?
After all he won't have his usual costs of keeping them for 4 nights (or whatever amout he has them - can't remember what the OP said) so by his own logic the OP should get an extra 4 days worth of maintenance.

What if he gets ill and needs to stay in hospital and OP keeps them on his days as he has no one to look after them or cancels contact for whatever reason then do you think he should pay her more because she has them for x amount of 'his days'?

This is the reason payments are worked out over the full year, taking into account how many days each parent has the children. For his system to work then you would need to calculate an exact daily amount due per child which would be higher than the current arrangement as it won't be averaged over a full year.

EnormousTiger · 11/01/2017 21:21

There are so many different cases aren't there?

  1. Mine - much higher earner wife; husband chooses never to have the chidlren and pays nothing. idiot man. Why any woman would be interested in such loser men is beyond me.
  1. Cases where men and women have the children about half the time and both work full time and both earn say £24k each. In those cases the law ought to be that you share the child benefit (I don't get child benefit or tax credits but many do) and tax credits and split all child costs 50/50.
  1. Cases where the man sees the children a few nights a week with consequent CMS reduction and pays his 20% for 2 children or whatever CMS cases are.
  1. Cases of my case 1 but reversed but in the sense of richer man who doesn't have the children when his court order will look lke mine - I have to pay 5 sets of school / university fees no matter who the children live with.

I hope it will be come more and more common for both men and women to work full time and for things like full time nursery costs to be split 50/50 by both parents on divorce and care shared.

I wish absent parents though were more aware of the huge day by day cost. My son just booked a summer trip away over £400 although some of his friends are going to refund him but that money will go to him because he used his own money for some food shopping trips of his etc etc. I paid for the twins to have driving lessons never mind all the hours taking them out driving (their father does neither side of things -d oesn't do the real father spending time stuff and doesn't even do the paying stuff) and now my car insurance is over £1000 a year more and I keep a second car. It just goes on and on even though they are teenagers. I just took them all away on holiday to France at Christmas (their father hasn't taken the 5 away anywhere in over 10 years silly him....... and one reason he upped after we reached verabl agreement his settlement from me by another £100k was supposedly for future holidays he'd take the children on)....... I just paid for our summer holiday with all the children for July. I just paid £450 for music lessons for this term for two. Never mind the food (teenage boys eat a lot).

Obviously I am at a totally different income level than a lot of people but it still a very hard burden when you pay for everything, when you also paid the ex on the divorce and when you do the 365 nights a year. Even tomorrow two children are home all day. Who washed 3 white shirts tonight - not their father. Who paid for that washing powder. Who washed two PE kits after tyoday's PE at school? Who bought the stuff earlier this week when they were so ill but struggling to school - the extra oranges, the tissues, the lemons one requested and who spent the time buying those? Muggins of course.....

wannabestressfree · 11/01/2017 21:46

Enormous I have limited sympathy for someone who is bitching about 100k more settlements for holidays, driving lessons for the 'twins' and numerous holidays.
Some of us work full time, get next to know maintenance And worry about the washing machine breaking down.
You can't afford things on your super wages cut your cloth.....

grannytomine · 11/01/2017 22:02

needsahalo by full maintenance I mean that she received the same maintenance from my brother as if she had their child 365 days a year and yet he had the child almost 50/50, she kept it under 50% by carefully keeping count of days and if she needed brother to have him to stay would make sure she blocked enough days to keep her total to over 50% so if she had him 183 and his dad had him 182 days he had to pay the full amount even though he had exactly the same costs as her, accommodation, childcare, travel, childcare etc. I know it doesn't work like that in UK which I think is fairer.

BadKnee · 11/01/2017 22:28

It is not about misogyny. It is about money, power and control. It always has been.

Some men are horrible. Some women are too. For every bastard man who refuses to pay for his kids and leaves all the shit to his ex I know a woman who uses her kids as a weapon, controls contact, sees having kids as a passport to benefits/housing/a career choice.

For very mother struggling to do the best for her children, to smooth over the conflict and to be the best she can I see a man who is trying to do the same, even if it means he has to drive miles, live in a miserable rented flat while paying the mortgage on a nice house for the kids to live in and trying to keep up a relationship with children that he only ever sees when it suits his ex.

In the end we have to do the best for the children -no matter what mistakes we made with our choice of partner.

wannabestressfree · 11/01/2017 22:34

Well said bad knee

kittybiscuits · 11/01/2017 22:55

Should have gone to Specsavers!

KarmaNoMore · 11/01/2017 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/01/2017 01:47

Anne

I know a mother who has her kid one day a fortnight (if she remembers) has so far twice attempted to claim child benefit resulting in dads claim being stopped whilst they investigate (one investigation lasted 8 months) and dad has just found out that despite failing to obtain the child benefit the last time she did it mum has now gone down the same route with tax credits.
She knows this means dad hugely struggles with day to day costs. Yes she's a money grabbing prick but she's also malicious and enjoys the stress it causes dad.
Her excuse is always "well we have a shared care arangement"

Klaphat · 12/01/2017 02:20

All the CSA talk is irrelevant, the OP has a court order, no? It should be stuck to.

RedHelenB · 12/01/2017 07:25

Klapchat - after a year you can revert to the CSA/

Original poster
Fragglewump · 12/01/2017 07:28

kittybiscuits who needs spec savers?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 12/01/2017 07:36

Badknee

heidiwine · 12/01/2017 11:40

Well said badknee

I couldn't agree with you more.

EnormousTiger · 12/01/2017 12:04

I wasn't asking for sympathy as I earn a lot (and work very hard) but it is unfair when you earn all the money, you paid your ex, your ex pays nothing and he doesn't even do a night a year's childcare. His loss.

Original poster
Fragglewump · 12/01/2017 12:12

EnormousTiger I'm sure it is more of a loss for your dcs than your ex!

OP posts:
JemIsMyNameNooneElseIsTheSame · 12/01/2017 15:15

What a knob your ex is.

I've one of those too unfortunately and have spent seemingly hours on the phone trying to set up a formal arrangement through CMS this week to avoid all his shit. What really boils my piss is how maintenance is reduced to allow for him to pay hundreds into his pension each month, yet tax credits are calculated on my gross pay. I'm going to have to stop paying into my pension completely, even though it's not a large sum, as I need the money. Knobhead ex will no doubt be holidaying in a villa in his 60s: I better hope DS gets a job with a fair whack and looks after his dear old mum in her retirement!