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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex stopping child maintenance while he takes children on holiday.

171 replies

Fragglewump · 11/01/2017 07:27

My ex husband texted me to say that it makes sense to only pay half his child maintenance to me in August as he is taking the children away for 2 weeks so will have them with 'all the costs involved'. I told him that seeing as he has never contributed a single penny towards a school trip/residential or the times I take the children on holiday why should I pay for his holiday. He is 'gobsmacked' by my response.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fragglewump · 11/01/2017 08:07

Inertia - sounds like you know him......Grin

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 11/01/2017 08:09

He can't reduce or stop the payments while he takes them away! My ExH tried that with me so I checked.

KathArtic · 11/01/2017 08:12

He's a dick. But at least he has unwittingly given you notice so you can plan and prepare ahead for August, rather than having it sprung on you.

ems137 · 11/01/2017 08:15

I have never heard anything so ridiculous!

If he already takes into account the nights he has them through the year then I doubt a further reduction would be warranted. If you look on CMS website they tell you the amount of overnights that affect a reduction. It's something like:
0-52 - no reduction
52 - 150 small reduction
150 plus larger reduction

I'm sorry it's not clearer but take a look yourself. To be honest I'd just go through the CMS because it takes away the stress and hassle and also the control he still has over you.

ems137 · 11/01/2017 08:16

My exH once stopped maintenance one month because he wanted to decorate his new house! This was after he stole £650 of the children's tax credits back payment, he asked me to lend him it until the following month and then refused to pay it back saying it was just as much his money. Arsehole!

Collaborate · 11/01/2017 08:17

I'd agree the theory is correct but it only works over the long term if this was a permanent arrangement. Only correct in theory in an alternate dimension, where child maintenance laws are different.

Assuming you don't have CMS/CSA involvement, get them to do a calculation. Go on their website to get an indication of how much it's likely to be. they will look at how many overnights he does each year, and for every 52 he'll get the assessment reduced by one-seventh. So this means he can't shortchange you just because he takes them on holiday.

expatinscotland · 11/01/2017 08:27

What a cunt. No wonder he's your ex.

Original poster
Fragglewump · 11/01/2017 08:43

To be frank this is some of his nicer behaviour!

OP posts:
needsahalo · 11/01/2017 08:48

Two weeks away mean you save on childcare, you can work more hours

Most childcare is paid for 52 weeks of the year. Many jobs don't have the opportunity for you to up your hours for 2 weeks of the year.

Seriously, what fucking planet are you on?

Questioningeverything · 11/01/2017 08:53

I'd laugh all the way to the csa or whatever they're calling themselves now. And laugh as they recalculate cause they're more than likely to discover he's been under paying you. Seriously what a total twat

porridgestirrer · 11/01/2017 08:55

He should pay. You have fixed outgoings to meet every month to maintain the home his kids live in. You can't not pay those things just because he is taking them away. I don't imagine he gives you extra money when you take them away which would be the equivalent expense for him. I would put your foot down with him because he sounds like he already messes around with your maintenance and will continue to do so. If it was by court order he could not change it like that without making an application to court. In my opinion him taking them away is something he chooses to do additionally much as you taking them away is. He should pay. You need to be able to cover your fixed costs. You are not being unreasonable 🤗

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2017 08:55

If his new wife is a party to all this, I cant help wondering how she is feeling now she too has a child by him. Unless she is one of those delusional "Oh but he would never do that to me...." types. Happened to someone I know, used to call her a friend until... she was happy to collude in paying as little as possible to her OH's older children and then was properly genuinely shocked when he did the same to her over their children. She was also the OW who became the cheated on spouse...what goes around comes around.

Questioningeverything · 11/01/2017 08:55

Also, what needsahalo said

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 11/01/2017 08:56

Looking at this from both sides and he way I see it he should not be reducing the payments for the two weeks that he has the children while on holiday, the two weeks should have been factored in when starting child maintenance payments and should be reflected over the full year.

The issue the op may have is that this may make her the NRP, i.e. If the dad has the children 3/4 nights per week is half the nights, the 14 nights could make him the resident parent if he has the kids more than the op. In fact it could be the op who ends up paying maintenance.

Original poster
Fragglewump · 11/01/2017 08:58

He has them for 4 nights a month normally

OP posts:
DownWithThatSort0fThing · 11/01/2017 09:00

Sorry but I see his point. I realize this goes against he grain, but I do think he has a point

Trifleorbust · 11/01/2017 09:06

DownWithThatSort0fThing: Why?

MrTCakes · 11/01/2017 09:07

He sounds a right arsehole. I would refer to the cms and have it done 'officially', or he will start pulling this shit every time they go on holiday, christmas, easter, an extra night etc...

Agree that these nights should be added to the overall total nights which he has the children over the year. I doubt it will tip him into the lower bracket of payments!

BadKnee · 11/01/2017 09:16

needsahalo - no need to be rude or offensive.

I, and many like me, work freelance or zero hours. There are loads of us. Having the kids away for a week or so means more income.

Childcare -
Childcare in August is often in the form of Summer Playschemes which are booked on a weekly basis These "activity Camps" usually run in the school or by specialist organizations and are expensive. (My local one is £36.50 per day - Fit for Sport so assuming ten weekdays it would save £360.)

Days out to entertain kids over the summer cost a fortune.
Childminders charge more for Summer holiday full days than for after school pick ups.

Many people work school hours only so don't need childcare except in the Summer.

So - I am living on this planet and in my experience this is a reasonable thing to say.

I used to love it when OH took the kids for a couple of weeks as I upped my hours, paid no childcare and didn't have to be in every evening.

Maybe it is not like that for you or the OP - I don't know - but there is no need to be rude just because your experience is different.

HardofCleaning · 11/01/2017 09:19

The only cost OP saves on is food over the two weeks. The maintenance also pays for the house the kids live in, bills associated with the house, the cost of clothes, school equipment, haircuts over the year etc etc. The Food money she saves is a tiny fraction of that. Unless he earns a huge salary (in which case he shouldn't be such a tight wad) the resident parent probably ends up paying way more than half of the kids expenses.

He sounds like an absolute arse. Who begrudges their child the money for an ice cream?

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/01/2017 09:19

How does he downwith? Unless you think maintenance is just for the kids food then it's just total bollocks.

The OP still has all of the normal expenses of the house - rent,bills etc. She will suddenly have a big hole in her budget. This happened to a friend of mine and she had to borrow from her parents to cover the gap.

Such blinkered thinking.

Collaborate · 11/01/2017 09:20

The issue the op may have is that this may make her the NRP, i.e. If the dad has the children 3/4 nights per week is half the nights, the 14 nights could make him the resident parent if he has the kids more than the op. In fact it could be the op who ends up paying maintenance.

Absolute nonsense. You don't suddenly become non-resident parent by allowing your ex to take the kids on holiday.

There's a hell of a lot of duff "legal" advice knocking around these days on MN.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 11/01/2017 09:24

My friend's XH does this, every time he takes the DC on a Mon-Fri holiday, he doesn't pay her, which then leaves her really short. He has them one night a week, but often that doesn't happen because he wants to go out for the night, so he really shouldn't stop the money when on holiday. It started when he got with his latest partner who has DC of her own.

I know that my own XH would do this, as he believes that his £25pw maintenance should pay for everything.

He never takes DC on holiday despite going abroad himself, and now pays less as he has another child.

Badknee I agree with you, I don't have to pay for childcare, and I can actually work more hours if I don't have my DC around, although sadly that never happens now as XH won't have DC in the holidays as "he has to work" like I don't

HardofCleaning · 11/01/2017 09:26

pinkunicornsarefluffy

That's bloody ridiculous - how can someone who goes on holidays abroad only pay £25w child maintenance?!

Trifleorbust · 11/01/2017 09:27

Just take it to the CMS, OP. He had no right to withdraw maintenance, which is awarded based on his annual income and then distributed across the year. He doesn't have to take them on holiday. You do have to pay housing, heating, electricity, clothing costs etc for your child, whether or not she goes away for a week with him.