Ex stopping child maintenance while he takes children on holiday.

[Fragglewump]

My ex husband texted me to say that it makes sense to only pay half his child maintenance to me in August as he is taking the children away for 2 weeks so will have them with 'all the costs involved'. I told him that seeing as he has never contributed a single penny towards a school trip/residential or the times I take the children on holiday why should I pay for his holiday. He is 'gobsmacked' by my response.

If he is feeding them, entertaining them for the week it seems reasonable that he should get a reduction at the least.

Only if those nights take him over the level of nights that he already gets a reduction for surely?

In my ex's case he gets a reduction based on having the girls 52-103 nights a year. He (well, he claims) has the girls one night a week. So, when he spring a 14 night holiday on me then, no, he wasn't entitled to a reduction - because he was already getting one.

Someone paying 10% shouldn't be vilified, just as someone paying 90% shouldn't be deified because of it*

What is the RP supposed to do when there is not enough money, put the children in a cupboard until there is enough money to feed them again?

I have every sympathy for a lot of NRPs, but my ex seemed to think that his dd just stopped eating when he didn't have any spare money.

The other drawback of being the RP is that there are all kinds of jobs you cannot take because of your duties as a parent.

what a tight arse

my ex is like this

The couples I know who have split up seem to have the RP working part time, living in a house, getting child support, and benefits. The NRP living in a shared house/bedsit with very little money. I suppose it works out differently for some.

When my brother and his wife split up, her decision, they were living in a country where if you had child/children for majority of nights you got full maintenance from the ex. So she had child 183 nights a year and got full maintenance. On occasions she had to go away with work and asked my brother to have child while she was away and then denied him access for however many nights needed to bring it back to her having the majority of nights. Not all RPs are angels. To be fair she was a cow from day one and nobody could work out why he married her so I suppose he brought it on himself.

Thanks for all your replies - I've really enjoyed all the differing opinions. As he was abusive during our marriage and lied to the court about money during the divorce process I sometimes find it hard to decide if he is manipulating/abusing me or acting perfectly reasonably. I'm a step mum too so see all sides. My main aim has been to put the children first and try to keep as much angst such as differences of opinion away from them. However it riles me when he uses the kids - "tell your mum she needs to pay for haircuts not me - that's why I give her maintenance" etc.
I'm going to take some time to read up/take legal advice about the maintenace.
On a final note - I feel for every one of you who has or knows a much crapper excuse for a human being than my ex is. Some of these people are just evil pigs and my heart bleeds for their children.

Honestly, he's taking the piss.
What kind of maintenance does he pay? If it's a smallish amount and you can, I'd just put Some money aside until it's enough to cover what he won't pay.
Of course he should pay it, but is it worth the argument and the hassle?

OP, your ex sounds horrible and I can't believe anyone would defend him as some have on this thread.

The rubbish about paying the state mandated amount makes me laugh. This is nowhere near half the costs of raising a child but some seem to think once they pay that then they are amazing parents. They are not. They are paying the bare minimum and if their child had to live on that amount, multiplied by 2, then there would be many more children homeless or living in severe poverty. If it weren't for so many RP picking up the slack of these part time, selfish, irresponsible parents, in both care and financial terms, then many children would be so much worse off.

My ex tried this one year, took ds away for a week and only payed me three weeks that week. Tbh I was more grateful for the weeks respite than the pittance he pays me on a weekly basis. Told him that's fine but you'll find he costs more than the maintenance you pay just to feed him. Enjoy your holiday.

month sorry

He's wrong op, for all the reasons that others have stated.

This behaviour really gets on my nerves. If I ran the country I'd make NRPs pay 50% of the cost of raising their child. I really don't understand why these men ( and it is men in my experience) want to see their own kids go without? Just to get one over on their ex!

As you know OP, your ex is a monumental thundercunt. It matters a lot, from a CMS point of view, whether he is self-employed or on PAYE.

my brother and his wife split up, her decision, they were living in a country where if you had child/children for majority of nights you got full maintenance from the ex

What is full maintenance?

Misogyny alive and well, as always. Women are their own worst enemies. Nothing ever changes,

grannytomine statistically those people are unusual. Women are usually financial worse off after a divorce and fathers actually become richer see here. The mandated CSA is less than half the cost of raising a child so the RP needs to cover more than 50% of the cost of child raising and also manage childcare so has very little opportunity for a career to actually earn spending money for themselves.

You can't just work more hours in most jobs. I don't think HR would fancy signing off overtime just for a fortnight because I had spare time to kill. In fact, they wouldn't do it full stop.

Can someone work this one out for me then....

I am the NRP and have done the calculator in the CMS website, and calculated it as having DC 3 nights per week which I thought would be the norm, however sometimes there is overtime which I must do which means that due to shift pattern there may be some weeks where I cannot have dc 3 nights - I therefore calculated the CMS payments as if I have DC only two nights per week instead of three.

Dw also works shifts and on the days/nights we are both working dc will go and stay with MIL.

Having looked at diary from October which I list the nights I have DC, I have DC for at at least half the nights, so taking into account the fact that MIL also has DC some nights, DW has DC less time that I do yet still receives Chikd Maintenance Payments

So in looking at this DW has Child Tax Credits, Family Benefit, her wages (similar to my wages) AND child maintenance.

I still run my own home and pay my own bills.

Should I be classed as the resident parent? And considering I have DC most of the time should I be receiving the benefits rather than DW?

The mandated CSA is less than half the cost of raising a child

You need to be careful presenting this as fact. A very high earning NRP may have to pay thousands annually in maintenance, potentially as much as a part time, half decent salary (or more). Potentially way, way more than is needed to raise a child. There is no official 'all children cost £X to raise' because needs and parental expectation are variable.

I'm so glad these children have mothers.
by his logic presumably he's getting a refund from his council tax, car insurance, TV license, while he's away?

Seems fair enough, the maintenance he pays you is to look after the kids. If he's taking them off your hands for two weeks, surely you won't be buying them food or spending money on keeping them entertained?

Legally he might not have the right to do this, but morally he certainly does. He is paying for his children, not you.

User formally
When you have to work do you just assume your ex or her mum will have your dc? Do you ever not work because of childcare?
what's your relationship like with your ex mil? Do you think the childcare she does is as a favour to yiu or to her dd?

And considering I have DC most of the time should I be receiving the benefits rather than DW?

Benefits are not a static thing. A parent doesn't receive 'all the benefits' because it is based on income.

Maintenance is calculated on an annual basis, not just overnights for October. There is no allowance, in law, for a child staying with grandparents on a regular basis so you can't use that as a stick to beat the ex with.

Snatched what do you suggest the op does about all the household bills?

StealthPolarBear

At this stage it has not come up, the Overtime I am forced to do I usually know about well enough in advance so we usually come to an arrangement, it is rare, I'd say about once every 3-4 months.

Re not working, funny you should say that, I'm off in leave at the minute and as dw is working I'm having dw an extra two nights this week. I have in the last couple of months taken time off wo k as DS was ill and dw had made other arrangements (social night with work). Generally I would say if it was my night and I needed childcare I would arrange it with one of my family. U know dw has arranged for some of my family to do short babysitting for us too.

Excellent. Sounds to me like you share care then.