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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex stopping child maintenance while he takes children on holiday.

171 replies

Fragglewump · 11/01/2017 07:27

My ex husband texted me to say that it makes sense to only pay half his child maintenance to me in August as he is taking the children away for 2 weeks so will have them with 'all the costs involved'. I told him that seeing as he has never contributed a single penny towards a school trip/residential or the times I take the children on holiday why should I pay for his holiday. He is 'gobsmacked' by my response.

OP posts:
littlemissangrypants · 11/01/2017 12:30

My ex pays below CSA rates for my boys. We have a private arrangement. He sees them for a few hours a month and treats the youngest badly. In the last 4 years the youngest has been there overnight once. The eldest slept over for a week as he didn't want to go on holiday with us. We paid nearly £200 for that stay as ex had no money to feed him.
I also used to pay babysitting money for ex to have the kids for a few hours. I eventually told him I wouldn't pay a babysitting anymore so contact dropped. He also doesn't pay when he goes on holiday as he needs spending money. He doesn't pay at other times too as he needs the money for other things.
Funnily eldest still thinks his dad is the best thing since sliced bread as ex does drugs and is cool plus doesn't make son clean his room. Youngest thinks his dad is a cunt as exs girlfriend hates youngest and treats him badly. Youngest only sees his dad at Christmas or birthdays or any other time ex might give money. Both kids older teens btw. These men make their own beds and one day the kids will see who was there for them, who paid for them and who is the real parent.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 11/01/2017 12:37

This winds me up. I have many gripes about maintenance, but the system doesn't split child benefit/tax credits does it? A lot of RPs want it every which way. A lot of people can't afford to house themselves after a break up which may not be their fault or decision!! What about their mortgage/council tax etc? Do they not have that to pay either? Especially if they're having to house the children part time they must have suitable accommodation, but get zero help and have to pay a large proportion of take home earnings over to another parent. You would have the majority of those costs without bringing up his children.
He is paying to take them away and has all of the associated costs during that period. You should allow the reduction IMO.

HardofCleaning · 11/01/2017 12:39

Someone paying 10% shouldn't be vilified, just as someone paying 90% shouldn't be deified because of it.

I think it depends, if they're happy to go on nice holidays but can't shell out 99p for an ice cream for their child I think they should be vilified.

HardofCleaning · 11/01/2017 12:42

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone What reduction are you allowing for? The reduction in cost is just food, you obviously need a larger house for teenagers to permanently live in (i.e. store their clothes, store their bikes, have study space) than you do to have them over occasionally. The maintenance is also to provide costs that accumulate over the year (haircuts, clothes, bus passes). None of those costs are reduced because they go away with dad for two weeks.

Olympiathequeen · 11/01/2017 12:43

But if he is paying for this holiday, food, energy costs, entertainment and so on, surely this counts?

Olympiathequeen · 11/01/2017 12:46

And surely if the children are going to have a great time that's all that matters.

TenaciousOne · 11/01/2017 12:54

Yup of course two weeks are all that matters even if it means the OP can't pay rent/mortgage for that month. Hmm

ForeverFaithless · 11/01/2017 13:10

OP has stated in her last comment that this was a court ordered payment, so my understanding is that he needs to go back to court to apply for any changes to be made.

He appears to be paying whatever he feels like at the moment. It's just not on. If OP has the resources I think she should get a solicitor to remind him to pay the full court mandated amount.

All the CSA stuff is irrelevant here.

lalalalyra · 11/01/2017 13:11

Some of the comments on here are a joke. You don't suddenly become the nrp because your ex takes the kids on holiday for a fortnight.

my ex does this and is pisses me off that people think it's ok for him to suddenly decide I can afford for my girls to go on holiday. If I took them on a holiday when I was skint and living on the breadline I'd have got lambasted for stupidity, but when he did it it was all about "but think of how nice it'll be for the girls".

And not everyone can just "work more hours". I worked in a school because I was the one that had to work around the girls so where were the extra hours coming from? And their childminder for the small amount of time they needed looked after didn't wave them off for two week with no payment.

Greyponcho · 11/01/2017 13:12

I'm with PirateFairy on this one, let him keep the money for the fortnight and let him clothe the kids, sort their toiletries and anything else they'd need for the holiday.
He sounds like an ignorant knob.

PopcornBits · 11/01/2017 13:16

I didn't think the maintenance was for your bills it's for your kids? And as PP has said, it's based on number of nights you have them for.
I think he's being reasonable.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 11/01/2017 13:24

Taken from the CMOptions website

"Child maintenance is about providing help with a child's everyday living costs. This includes things like food and clothes, and helping to provide a home for your child or children."

However many dads prefer to think that the mum spends it on vodka.

Scribblegirl · 11/01/2017 13:24

Er, popcorn, you have those bills because you have kids. I'm sure the OP wouldn't shell out on the home she has if it was sitting there with empty bedrooms. Hmm

HardofCleaning · 11/01/2017 13:25

I didn't think the maintenance was for your bills it's for your kids? Bills that kids incur and still have to be paid whether or not they're on holiday. You don't save council tax, mortgage or phone bills because the kids happen to be with their dad for two weeks. The maintenance also covers other costs that just crop up (food, clothes, haircuts etc.). He is not legally or morally entitled to a reduction.

Angrybird123 · 11/01/2017 13:27

But the RP bills are also the kids bills aren't they?? An NRPcan choose to live in a small place with just enough space for the odd nights here and there that they have the kids. The RP has to maintain a much bigger space. As for the benefits etc only going to the RP, if maintenance actually covered 50% of costs then maybe there would be an argument there but it simply doesn't so I don't think its unreasonable for the RP to receive it.

ForeverFaithless · 11/01/2017 13:31

And I repeat: Court ordered maintenance - he must pay the full amount, end of discussion.

Family Law

Enforcing Maintenance Orders

NewtScamandersNaughtyNiffler · 11/01/2017 13:34

Of course he should still pay maintenence for all the reasons all ready mentioned.

My ex reduced what he paid me when he moved in with his now wife as she had 2dc. It then reduced again when their dc was born. He then quit his job as she "can't manage all the dc on her own" Hmm so was cut right down. CSA have now closed my case and I haven't had a spare £20 to open a new one.
He also tried to get away with not paying the week he took them away, gave me a bag of his dss' old clothes one week and said I wouldn't need maintenence that month as he'd provided a summer wardrobe for ds1 (most of it was misshapen, faded, bobbly or just not nice)
He also insisted on send spending money and suncream on holiday as he "pays maintenance"

As for the "work more hours" Well I could. But then tax credits and housing benefit think I've had a pay rise and reduce all my benefits for a few months while I prove I haven't. It's not worth the hassle tbh.

lalalalyra · 11/01/2017 13:37

I didn't think the maintenance was for your bills it's for your kids?

And the only bill that disappears for two weeks when the kids are away is food... Everything else stil has to be paid.

And as PP has said, it's based on number of nights you have them for.

Over the year. So if that takes him into the next banding of overnights they'd reduce the maintenance by an amount per week over the year. Not stop paying.

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/01/2017 13:39

If the Op has a court order then the ExH cannot just reduce it in accordance with what the CSA would do for a CSA assessment. He should apply to the court to vary the order.

The Op could apply to the court for payment of the arrears as there has not been a court ordered variation of the order. However before going down that route I would check using the CSA calculator what he would be likely to have to pay.

That said the maintenance is due every month whether he has the kids or not as it is an annual amount which has been divided by 12. As people have said we can't tell our landlord/mortgage provider etc I am on holiday for 2 weeks so I will only pay half this month.

I strongly suspect those believing or saying it is acceptable for him to do this are the second wives/ow with partners paying maintenance!!!

RagamuffinAndFidget · 11/01/2017 13:40

Seriously Popcorn?!

Do kids not use electricity, use water, require bedrooms to sleep in? They generate bills the same as any adult.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 11/01/2017 13:54

These threads always make me so sad. All these fucking men (and I'm sure a few women) - lots of whom were the ones to breakup the marriage/relationship in the first place - looking for any old excuse to save a couple of quid even at the expense of their childrens' living conditions. It beggars belief it really does. I would do anything for my children. Anything. If I was unfortunate enough to no longer be living with them full time for whatever reason I would do whatever I could to make sure they were provided for BY ME, not just leave it all to my ex and hope for the best. What a disgrace they are.

Pasithea · 11/01/2017 13:54

Don't go there my lovely ndn has had her lovely son in hospital for 6 weeks and her ex refuses to pay while he's there. Bloody awful.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 11/01/2017 14:09

PasitheaShock

BadKnee · 11/01/2017 14:19

I know not everyone can work more hours - but some can. And some childcare - especially in August for school age kids absolutely does work like this.

And some RPs absolutely love it when the ex takes the kids away.

Every break up is different. In some, especially if there was a marriage the RP gets the house and the NRP has to rent a flat/ try to obtain a mortgage. He has bills to pay and has to have a home suitable for the kids to stay, (the court can stop home access if it is not so).

In some the NRP will have fought for more nights, more time with his kids, more say in how they live - and he/she will have lost.

It's too easy to say the mother is always right - and we get enough step parents on here to give us the other side of the story (ex wives who try to control access, fight over money, etc).

It should be about what is best for the children - aways. And I feel it frequently isn't.

grannytomine · 11/01/2017 14:30

Isn't RP expected to pay a share of all the costs plus child benefit? If he is feeding them, entertaining them for the week it seems reasonable that he should get a reduction at the least. As to gas, electric, water and sewerage you won't be paying for them for the kids as they won't be using them while they are away.

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