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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re DH Brother

59 replies

BanjoStarz · 10/01/2017 23:04

I'll try to keep this short, DH brother (DHB) has a disease, this disease is well medicated and if medicated properly has little to no impact on DHB daily life.

However, DHB is also an (undiagnosed) alcoholic - think bottle of vodka a night sort of thing, predictably DHB medication does not mix well with alcohol. In fact alcohol completely negates the medication.

DHB has just had an episode of the disease that has led to the temporary loss (12 months) of his driving licence, if there's another reoccurance in the next three months then the licence is rescinded for 5 years.

DH works around 10 mins away from DHB, DHB finishes 1hr after DH in the day however. As DHB now can't drive, MIL has commanded DH to become DHB driver during the week, ensuring he gets to and from work.

This will mean DH will now not get in until at least 1hr later than normal and possibly later than that if DHB has shopping to collect etc.

I'm just pissed that our lives will now be disrupted because DHB cares more about getting a drink than making sure his medication works! Obviously DH could refuse to do it but DHB doesn't work where the public transport links are good so his only other option would be to walk 5 miles each way - and your not going to drive past your brother walking in the rain are you?!

I'm so angry at him, I just want to ask him why the fuck did he not just get help with the drink problem?! So the medication would work?!

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, I don't think there's any other solution, I just need to vent.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 10/01/2017 23:08

He won't be driving past him walking in the rain though will he as DH finishes an hour earlier. BIL will have to speak to his boss and finish an hour earlier or get a taxi to the bus/train station.

neolara · 10/01/2017 23:10

Suggest his brother gets a bike. 5 miles perfectly doable on a bike..

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2017 23:20

Bike. Taxi. Walk. Or MIL can drive him.

foxyloxy78 · 10/01/2017 23:24

Taxi or walk. This should not have to be your problem.

7SunshineSeven7 · 11/01/2017 07:32

Biking it is doable, I used to bike 4 miles to school and back when I was younger, didn't do me any harm.

Some employees do a cycling scheme with the council and could provide him with one.

chocolatemademefat · 11/01/2017 07:39

What you need here is some tough love. Tell him he has to find his own transport - he made the decision to drink and drive - now he has other decisions to make. He'll never change if everyone around him is enabling his behaviour and no matter what your MIL demands I'd be saying no.

Tell her to pay for a taxi for him if she wants him pandered to. I'd definitely be making a stand about this because where's the onus on him to ever change if everyone picks up the pieces.

Qwertie · 11/01/2017 07:39

Have you talked your mil about it? She can't decide what goes on your lives.

RJnomore1 · 11/01/2017 07:40

He needs to feel the impact of his decision to drink and your dh running himround won't do that.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 11/01/2017 07:41

Stop this before it becomes a problem. Not your problem. May teach BIL some self sufficiency and personal responsibility.

Qwertie · 11/01/2017 07:41

Can DH agree to do one evening per week or can dhb change his hours to match dh's?

mum2Bomg · 11/01/2017 07:42

Totally agree with chocolatemademefat!

DeathStare · 11/01/2017 07:42

I agree with PPs. Either DHB sorts out finishing an hour earlier or he sorts out his own arrangements. That could be getting a bike. Or he gets a lift from a colleague who finishes at the same time as him - at least as far as the bus stop.

Though to be honest if I was married to a man who wasn't prepared to say "no" to his mother when she tried to dictate his commuting arrangements (and inconvenient ones at that), I'd have more things to worry about than how my BIL got home from work! Time for your DH to stand up for himself and not leave it to the women in his life to sort out/bicker about.

icelollycraving · 11/01/2017 07:42

How old is bil? I'd be telling them actually if he's adult enough to drink, have a job etc then he's adult enough to have to find a solution himself.
All the time people sort out his problems he doesn't have to. Tough love.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 11/01/2017 07:43

Bike. Your dh shouldn't have to be a taxi for his brother.

DeathStare · 11/01/2017 07:44

Have you talked your mil about it? She can't decide what goes on your lives

Nooooooo. Don't talk to your MIL about it. That's your DH's job

MimiSunshine · 11/01/2017 07:46

I'd be tempted to say that a lift can be provided as long as DHB is stood waiting at the car otherwise no waiting or pick ups from elsewhere etc

That way it isn't an outright no but puts the onus on DHB to reorganise his life / work to fit in with yours and not the other way around. I highly doubt he'll speak to his employer about finishing 75 mins early or changing his hours but that's not your DHs problem

shinysinkredemption · 11/01/2017 07:47

You DH should not do it, it's not your problem. DH can suggest his DM drive him if she's that bothered. Or BIL can use a bike/get new job he can walk to!
Don't enable him. Hope he can get the boozing under control.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 11/01/2017 07:48

You need to bet you r DH to say to his mother that no he won't do it and she can if she wants to but he won't take any part in enabling his behaviour

AdoraBell · 11/01/2017 08:11

Definitely don't talk to MIL about this, it is DH's place to do that. Just make sure you and DH are in agreement.

And YANBU in the least.

Clearoutre · 11/01/2017 08:48

Driving on a bottle of vodka a day is very dangerous, regardless of any condition. The solution is breaking his alcoholism not getting a bike or changing his working hours. Unsure from your post whether he needs support or tough love. I hope he stops drinking.

Laiste · 11/01/2017 08:58

DH could refuse to do it but ... your not going to drive past your brother walking in the rain are you?!

He wont be driving past him at all. They finish at different times. There are 3 choices here:

  • BIL gets a bike,
  • changes his hours,
  • or DH says no to the lift and BIL walks.

This statement: our lives will now be disrupted because DHB cares more about getting a drink than making sure his medication works! is not quite true and it's important that you see the finer point here. ie That in fact your lives will be disrupted because your DH has chosen to say yes to doing this.

Isetan · 11/01/2017 09:17

No is a complete sentence, if your MIL's son wants to kill himself slowly then that is his prerogative but you will not enabling it and assuming the responsibility of the consequences of his brother's poor behaviour, is enablement.

Your DH has a choice, just like his brother and mother and agreeing to his mother's demands is a choice.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 09:21

he made the decision to drink and drive

He wasn't drinking and driving.

It is a health episode that has meant the loss of his licence.

StillCalendula · 11/01/2017 09:27

If he is unfit and daunted by a 5 mile walk or cycle ride, he can consider an electric bike. They are easy to use and he will not arrive at work sweaty and in need of a change of clothes.

Andro · 11/01/2017 09:30

It is a health episode that has meant the loss of his licence.

Yes, but if he's drinking a bottle of vodka per day, it's fairly certain that he will have been drinking and driving...he just hasn't been caught yet!