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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re DH Brother

59 replies

BanjoStarz · 10/01/2017 23:04

I'll try to keep this short, DH brother (DHB) has a disease, this disease is well medicated and if medicated properly has little to no impact on DHB daily life.

However, DHB is also an (undiagnosed) alcoholic - think bottle of vodka a night sort of thing, predictably DHB medication does not mix well with alcohol. In fact alcohol completely negates the medication.

DHB has just had an episode of the disease that has led to the temporary loss (12 months) of his driving licence, if there's another reoccurance in the next three months then the licence is rescinded for 5 years.

DH works around 10 mins away from DHB, DHB finishes 1hr after DH in the day however. As DHB now can't drive, MIL has commanded DH to become DHB driver during the week, ensuring he gets to and from work.

This will mean DH will now not get in until at least 1hr later than normal and possibly later than that if DHB has shopping to collect etc.

I'm just pissed that our lives will now be disrupted because DHB cares more about getting a drink than making sure his medication works! Obviously DH could refuse to do it but DHB doesn't work where the public transport links are good so his only other option would be to walk 5 miles each way - and your not going to drive past your brother walking in the rain are you?!

I'm so angry at him, I just want to ask him why the fuck did he not just get help with the drink problem?! So the medication would work?!

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, I don't think there's any other solution, I just need to vent.

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 09:34

Yes, but if he's drinking a bottle of vodka per day, it's fairly certain that he will have been drinking and driving...he just hasn't been caught yet!

That isn't what you said though you jumped to conclusions

Laiste · 11/01/2017 09:35

OP isn't going to be able to do anything about BIL and his life choices. She needs to concentrate on DH and his decision to change his routine to help his brother.

It might be something he is perfectly happy to do. Or it might be that he can't say no to his mother. Either way it's no good OP focusing on BILs faults here.

AstridLevinson · 11/01/2017 09:38

Def your DH should not do this! Or are you going to organise his leave around the brother too? How will he get to and from work when DH isn't there? Not that it's your issue!

user1478860582 · 11/01/2017 09:46

How does your husband feel about it? Does he want to help his brother out? Assuming your husband has the ability to think for himself then surely he must do what he thinks is right.

Also, maybe the brother is scared about his disease and has sought solace in the bottle.

alltouchedout · 11/01/2017 09:54

I just don't understand why your MIL thinks it's up to her. It would be one thing for her to encourage your BIL to politely ask your dh if he could do this for him, but what you've described is odd. Wouldn't most adults when told by their parent that they will be doing something that doesn't suit them, laugh and say "actually, no I won't?"

Megatherium · 11/01/2017 09:57

Obviously your husband has to say no, for his brother's sake. His brother needs to feel the consequences of his actions, otherwise it is absolutely inevitable that he won't stop drinking, he will have more episodes of his illness, and can wave goodbye to driving ever again. Which will leave your husband stuck giving him lifts until, inevitably, he has to give up work for health reasons or he dies early. Those stark facts also need to be pointed out by your husband to your mother in law.

shovetheholly · 11/01/2017 09:57

I think your DH needs to say 'no' to his mother.

One of the unfortunate things about being an adult is that you have to take some responsibility for the consequences of your actions. By cushioning his brother from the consequences of his alcoholism, he's enabling the drinking to continue.

How far away is your DB's work from your house? 3-4 miles each way is totally walkable. 8-9 miles is totally cyclable.

user892 · 11/01/2017 10:06

A bottle of vodka a night means he's going to get sicker until he dies of an alcoholic liver or associated complications, probably in the next few years.

The mother is being an enabler because she's worried about him and doesn't want his life to fall apart. She's trying to recruit DH too.

DH should tell his mother that he will not enable an alcoholic because it will do him no favours in the long run. He should offer to go to an alanon meeting with his DM (for families of alcoholics).

Having a ban on driving license means maybe cycling isn't safe either? But it's the brother's choice to drink - nobody elses fault. Alcoholism is a disease but if he doesn't want treatment then he (not anyone else) has to face the consequences alone.

greedygorb · 11/01/2017 10:07

I would help but only on the condition that BIL seeks help for his alcohol problems and stops drinking.

Silkenreels · 11/01/2017 10:13

What does your DH think?

Maybe he doesn't mind.

That is just life. Peoples behaviour is always doing to impact on others.

I'm so angry at him, I just want to ask him why the fuck did he not just get help with the drink problem?! So the medication would work?!

If he is an alcoholic, it is not always so simple.

Why are you getting so angry about an hour? Wouldn't you help your sibling and do what you can?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 11/01/2017 10:18

If he gives up the bottle of vodka each night he could probably afford a taxi.

pipsqueak25 · 11/01/2017 10:21

'mil had commanded it' i would be commanding mil to piss off and dhb to sort his own shit out, [have had in previous marriage and have no sympathy for the drinker] dh needs to tell his family what is what, does it matter if mil throws a strop, cries [ i love emotional blackmail, not], or she can help her ds.

pipsqueak25 · 11/01/2017 10:24

an alcoholic has to want to get themselves dry first and fore most, if they won't do that then they sure as heck won't do it for their dc or family, no matter how much you plead, threaten or try to support. mil seems to be enabling probably because she can see he is slowly destroying himself.

ginnybag · 11/01/2017 10:28

OP, I'm going to hazard a guess, from what you've said, that your BIL is epileptic.

If that's the case, and if he's going to continue to drink, then I would be wary of being the person that suggests he cycles. I'm not advocating that you agree to your DH running him around - you shouldn't! - but uncontrolled epilepsy and cycling in traffic 10 miles a day could lead to an incident that could have devastating consequences and I'm not sure you want it to be you that 'made him' travel that way.

Lumberries · 11/01/2017 10:30

My sister has epilepsy, I assume this is the same situation?

When she was first diagnosed she had her license revoked for a year but after a few months of messing about with different meds, they got her settled. She took this as a green light to drink and go out with friends (she was 21) and inevitably, 6 months later she had a full on seizure in a night club.

Not having her license and losing her freedom to travel about on her own devastated her social life and Mum was insistent that she take responsibility for her actions as everyone had warned her this would happen if she carried on the way she was. She had to experience the loss of her license and the inconvenience of it in order to understand how badly she'd messed things up.

I thought Mum was mean and wanted to help Dsis to get about but Mum was right. Straight after the seizure my Dsis stopped drinking and started taking care of herself. 18 months later and she has her license back and is doing pretty well!

SHe had to feel the inconvenience in order to understand the impac of her drinking, you DHB will be the same.

Ruhrpott · 11/01/2017 10:33

There is something called access to work which helps to pay for taxis if you have lost your driving licence through medical problems.

www.gov.uk/access-to-work/eligibility

corythatwas · 11/01/2017 10:36

If the reason for the medical episode is that his drinking has been interfering with his ability to drive, then I'd say that is as much his decision as if he had actually been caught drinking and driving.

Of course, the wider problem is not whether it's his fault or not, but the fact that he is an alcoholic and will drink himself into his grave at this rate- if the interference with his medication doesn't kill him off first.

I agree with user892 that the real question is whether your dh wants to enable this- and that is the terms in which you should discuss it with him.

What your MIL is asking is that your dh should encourage behaviour that is putting his brother's life at risk, and that will delay his seeking help with a problem that is likely to kill him. He has a right to refuse this. I would.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 10:39

A bottle of vodka a night means he's going to get sicker until he dies..... probably in the next few years.

Not necessarily.

My functioning alcoholic cousin drinks this amount and has done for many many years

user892 · 11/01/2017 11:13

A close family member did the same for many years - the liver can take a lot - until it can't do so any more, and then it's curtains.

A horribly undignified death. Your cousin is not quite there yet.

Let's not pretend that drinking a bottle of vodka a day is fine. It isn't. If you think it is then you're in denial I'm afraid.

My family member managed to hide their (less than a bottle of vodka a day) heavy drinking until they suddenly became jaundiced, couldn't walk, was shitting and vomiting blood and died.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 11:17

Let's not pretend that drinking a bottle of vodka a day is fine. It isn't. If you think it is then you're in denial I'm afraid.

I have never said I think it is. We are NC due to it.

My post was in response to the idea that they would probably die in a few years. They may, they may go on for decades.

NathanBarleyrocks · 11/01/2017 11:19

If your MIL is hellbent on enabling her son's behaviour, let her sort his shit out. As for 'commanding' anything, I'd tell her to fuck off for that alone.

user892 · 11/01/2017 11:22

they may go on for decades.

Right - if you'd like to chat with a bereaved adult child of a dead alcoholic about the most likely timing of another alcoholic's death?

Fair dos. Decades I'd say is vastly optimistic unless the individual allows the liver to repair somewhat on a regular basis.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 11:23

Not sure why you are having a pop at me user Tbh.

whattheseithakasmean · 11/01/2017 11:29

Right - if you'd like to chat with a bereaved adult child of a dead alcoholic about the most likely timing of another alcoholic's death?

That seems unnecessarily nasty. No one is saying being an alcoholic is OK or healthy or to be encouraged and I would agree that the lifespan of alcoholics can vary wildly - some bodies seem able to take a lot more of a hammering than others. But that is irrelevant.

OP as you BIOL is the one that needs the list then he is the one that has to change his hours to accommodate your DH, not the other way round.

user892 · 11/01/2017 11:37

It honestly wasn't meant nastily. It's what I am. I'm happy to be questioned about the likelihood of death if it's important for other people to wonder this?

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