AIBU re DH Brother

[BanjoStarz]

I'll try to keep this short, DH brother (DHB) has a disease, this disease is well medicated and if medicated properly has little to no impact on DHB daily life.

However, DHB is also an (undiagnosed) alcoholic - think bottle of vodka a night sort of thing, predictably DHB medication does not mix well with alcohol. In fact alcohol completely negates the medication.

DHB has just had an episode of the disease that has led to the temporary loss (12 months) of his driving licence, if there's another reoccurance in the next three months then the licence is rescinded for 5 years.

DH works around 10 mins away from DHB, DHB finishes 1hr after DH in the day however. As DHB now can't drive, MIL has commanded DH to become DHB driver during the week, ensuring he gets to and from work.

This will mean DH will now not get in until at least 1hr later than normal and possibly later than that if DHB has shopping to collect etc.

I'm just pissed that our lives will now be disrupted because DHB cares more about getting a drink than making sure his medication works! Obviously DH could refuse to do it but DHB doesn't work where the public transport links are good so his only other option would be to walk 5 miles each way - and your not going to drive past your brother walking in the rain are you?!


I'm so angry at him, I just want to ask him why the fuck did he not just get help with the drink problem?! So the medication would work?!

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, I don't think there's any other solution, I just need to vent.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

But does you cousin have a connected medical condition the medication for which will be negated by alcohol? Any one epileptic seizure (if that is what it is) can lead to death.

Yes they do. Although it isn't epilepsy it is a condition that means that without the medication they could die.

We had to walk away and go NC as hard as it was and continues to be.

[Foldedtshirt]

Can I just post again to Rurhpotts link?
Government Travel grants to access work- travel and adjustments

[user892]

Thanks whattheseithakasmean. It was my father who was an alcoholic and died.

I don't think I know any more about the expected lifespan of drinking a bottle of vodka a day than anyone else with relevant anecdotal experience... But I suppose I'm touchy about the potential negative consequences of downplaying it.

Of course it depends on many different factors e.g. size of bottle, whether it's literally every day or not, his body size, his diet and lifestyle, what impact his coexisting medical condition has on his lifespan if it's essentially going untreated, whether he engages in other risky activities etc etc etc

[Megatherium]

A bottle of vodka a night means he's going to get sicker until he dies..... probably in the next few years

Not necessarily. My functioning alcoholic cousin drinks this amount and has done for many many years

But does you cousin have a connected medical condition the medication for which will be negated by alcohol? Any one epileptic seizure (if that is what it is) can lead to death.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I would agree with PP that if this is epilepsy than cycling isn't really an option. I see no reason why you BIL will make any changes to his life if your DH is sent in to rescue him.

[RainbowsandLemonDrops]

Is it diabetes?!

My DB is the same! He won't think twice about downing 6 beers at night, having a seizure and my poor mum having to find him!

I can't offer any advice, just sympathy

[Olympiathequeen]

DH can tell his DM this is his brother's fault and you and your family are not picking up the pieces. He needs to either fit around your DH, bike, taxi or whatever. This will go on for a year. Not acceptable at all. Give him a deadline to sort himself out.

[corythatwas]

In the present case, the situation is complicated by the fact that the man is not only hammering his body with alcohol but that he is negating the effects of his medication and (if previous posters have guessed correctly) risking a serious seizure.

[whattheseithakasmean]

user892 I am not sure if you mean you are an alcoholic or the bereaved adult child of an alcoholic. In any case, I am sincerely sorry for you and appreciate that this is a difficult subject. However, many posters' lives, i suspect, have been touched by this disease, so I don't think you can assume you know more than other posters about alcoholic life spans - as I stated, in my experience this can vary wildly and often quite unpredictability.

Again, I am very sorry for your experiences.

[user892]

It honestly wasn't meant nastily. It's what I am. I'm happy to be questioned about the likelihood of death if it's important for other people to wonder this?

[whattheseithakasmean]

Right - if you'd like to chat with a bereaved adult child of a dead alcoholic about the most likely timing of another alcoholic's death?

That seems unnecessarily nasty. No one is saying being an alcoholic is OK or healthy or to be encouraged and I would agree that the lifespan of alcoholics can vary wildly - some bodies seem able to take a lot more of a hammering than others. But that is irrelevant.

OP as you BIOL is the one that needs the list then he is the one that has to change his hours to accommodate your DH, not the other way round.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Not sure why you are having a pop at me user Tbh.

[user892]

they may go on for decades.

Right - if you'd like to chat with a bereaved adult child of a dead alcoholic about the most likely timing of another alcoholic's death?

Fair dos. Decades I'd say is vastly optimistic unless the individual allows the liver to repair somewhat on a regular basis.

[NathanBarleyrocks]

If your MIL is hellbent on enabling her son's behaviour, let her sort his shit out. As for 'commanding' anything, I'd tell her to fuck off for that alone.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Let's not pretend that drinking a bottle of vodka a day is fine. It isn't. If you think it is then you're in denial I'm afraid.

I have never said I think it is. We are NC due to it.

My post was in response to the idea that they would probably die in a few years. They may, they may go on for decades.

[user892]

A close family member did the same for many years - the liver can take a lot - until it can't do so any more, and then it's curtains.

A horribly undignified death. Your cousin is not quite there yet.

Let's not pretend that drinking a bottle of vodka a day is fine. It isn't. If you think it is then you're in denial I'm afraid.

My family member managed to hide their (less than a bottle of vodka a day) heavy drinking until they suddenly became jaundiced, couldn't walk, was shitting and vomiting blood and died.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

A bottle of vodka a night means he's going to get sicker until he dies..... probably in the next few years.

Not necessarily.

My functioning alcoholic cousin drinks this amount and has done for many many years

[corythatwas]

If the reason for the medical episode is that his drinking has been interfering with his ability to drive, then I'd say that is as much his decision as if he had actually been caught drinking and driving.

Of course, the wider problem is not whether it's his fault or not, but the fact that he is an alcoholic and will drink himself into his grave at this rate- if the interference with his medication doesn't kill him off first.

I agree with user892 that the real question is whether your dh wants to enable this- and that is the terms in which you should discuss it with him.

What your MIL is asking is that your dh should encourage behaviour that is putting his brother's life at risk, and that will delay his seeking help with a problem that is likely to kill him. He has a right to refuse this. I would.

[Ruhrpott]

There is something called access to work which helps to pay for taxis if you have lost your driving licence through medical problems.

www.gov.uk/access-to-work/eligibility

[Lumberries]

My sister has epilepsy, I assume this is the same situation?

When she was first diagnosed she had her license revoked for a year but after a few months of messing about with different meds, they got her settled. She took this as a green light to drink and go out with friends (she was 21) and inevitably, 6 months later she had a full on seizure in a night club.

Not having her license and losing her freedom to travel about on her own devastated her social life and Mum was insistent that she take responsibility for her actions as everyone had warned her this would happen if she carried on the way she was. She had to experience the loss of her license and the inconvenience of it in order to understand how badly she'd messed things up.

I thought Mum was mean and wanted to help Dsis to get about but Mum was right. Straight after the seizure my Dsis stopped drinking and started taking care of herself. 18 months later and she has her license back and is doing pretty well!

SHe had to feel the inconvenience in order to understand the impac of her drinking, you DHB will be the same.

[ginnybag]

OP, I'm going to hazard a guess, from what you've said, that your BIL is epileptic.

If that's the case, and if he's going to continue to drink, then I would be wary of being the person that suggests he cycles. I'm not advocating that you agree to your DH running him around - you shouldn't! - but uncontrolled epilepsy and cycling in traffic 10 miles a day could lead to an incident that could have devastating consequences and I'm not sure you want it to be you that 'made him' travel that way.

[pipsqueak25]

an alcoholic has to want to get themselves dry first and fore most, if they won't do that then they sure as heck won't do it for their dc or family, no matter how much you plead, threaten or try to support. mil seems to be enabling probably because she can see he is slowly destroying himself.

[pipsqueak25]

'mil had commanded it' i would be commanding mil to piss off and dhb to sort his own shit out, [have had in previous marriage and have no sympathy for the drinker] dh needs to tell his family what is what, does it matter if mil throws a strop, cries [ i love emotional blackmail, not], or she can help her ds.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

If he gives up the bottle of vodka each night he could probably afford a taxi.

[Silkenreels]

What does your DH think?

Maybe he doesn't mind.

That is just life. Peoples behaviour is always doing to impact on others.

I'm so angry at him, I just want to ask him why the fuck did he not just get help with the drink problem?! So the medication would work?!

If he is an alcoholic, it is not always so simple.

Why are you getting so angry about an hour? Wouldn't you help your sibling and do what you can?