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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband refusing to help when unwell

90 replies

Pominoz1 · 10/01/2017 17:59

yesterday I had a really bad fall on a wet bathroom floor, paramedics arrived, gas and air given, offered a ride to hospital which I declined, GP visited with some nice strong drugs. Husband was called and he came home from work at about lunchtime.

Today he got up early, got dressed and told me he was going to work.
He didn't give me the chance to get out of bed to even see if I could walk about unaided before he decided.

This happens every time I have ever needed any help.

He has a good job which allows for sick leave, careers leave and annual leave.
He NEVER goes to the hospital if he's had an accident, never takes time off sick.
AIBU in expecting his help ?
I called him a fuc bastard, told him I didn't want anything from him and Sod off back to work ... He took our son to school and came back to work from home. So he did the right thing but unwillingly and that hurts more than my back

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 10/01/2017 18:15

To be fair to your husband he does not expect you to look after him when he's ill, so it's probably difficult for him to relate to sickness.

how much he should for you depends on how bad your back is, can you get out of bed ?

It would be better to tell him what you need than expect him to guess, and swearing does not help your case.

Ilovecaindingle · 10/01/2017 18:15

Karma.

It will come eventually.

Be patient. . .

PuppyMonkey · 10/01/2017 18:18

No, northern parent, It would be better if he asked if OP is, you know., ok? Like people who care for each other are supposed to. And OP should swear more imho.

Janey50 · 10/01/2017 18:19

So he got up early especially just to make sure he was dressed and ready to go before you even checked that you could get up and walk? Sounds like a right charmer IMO.

Flisstizzy · 10/01/2017 18:21

He should have asked if you could get up and walk ok before deciding if he should leave you, but his sick leave would be for when he is ill, not you.
Having said that he doesn't sound particularly caring about your accident.

CherrySkull · 10/01/2017 18:22

if you didn't need A&E and were fine with painkillers, why on earth would you expect him to stay home?

You fell over, i'm assuming you haven't broken anything, nor given yourself concussion, why would he need a day off work?

CherrySkull · 10/01/2017 18:23

and if that seems harsh, i'm saying that as someone with a disk disease and sciatica.. some days i can barely walk, but i just take the pills and get on with it.

SpiritedLondon · 10/01/2017 18:25

Well he obviously is able to work from home so he didn't need a day off work. The kind thing would have been to check how you were rather than going about his normal routine. Sounds like he had his brain switched off!

NapQueen · 10/01/2017 18:27

Do you have kids at home to tend to?

PotteringAlong · 10/01/2017 18:29

You didn't need to go to hospital, had strong painkillers and your child was at school. Why shouldn't he have gone to work?

Witchend · 10/01/2017 18:39

He came home yesterday when you needed him.

I assume he got up early because he needs to get in early to catch up. Just because he could do an afternoon's work, doesn't mean he can do another whole day. Dh can sometimes get half a day's work of home stuff, couldn't do another day on top of that, so that's a red herring.

Why did you need him at home? What could he do that you needed doing? I wouldn't expect dh to stay at home in that situation and he certainly wouldn't expect me to.

gamerchick · 10/01/2017 19:13

I must admit I wouldn't expect him to stay home. But I wouldn't have called him home from work neither. I would have asked him to pick me up some painkillers though on his way home.

Its nice to be made a fuss of but I wouldn't expect it.

Babyhiccups · 10/01/2017 19:17

Ok, maybe he didn't have to stay home but he could at least have checked you were ok, enquired about how you were feeling. Chances are you'd be stiff and seized up overnight so you might have been in a worse way today than yesterday. Just bloody rude and inconsiderate

gamerchick · 10/01/2017 19:17

Hope you're on the mend.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 19:21

Sorry but I wouldn't have expected him to stay at home. Shouting and swearing at him isn't good either.

Hope you are feeling better though

sometimesKit · 10/01/2017 19:27

"My head falls off my shoulders on a regular basis, I just get the pritt stick out and get on with my day. Mind you I don't do anything strenuous, just climb the odd mountain, complete a marathon and cook for a busy orphanage..."

I think your dh could have been a lot more caring! If it were mine he'd be asking me how I was, making sure I could get up, walk about. If I couldn't he would make arrangements to do the school run without me having to swear at him. He can't work from home but if I really needed him he'd see if he could shift things about. It's not the working so much, it's the lack of care.

How are you now OP?

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 19:29

It would have been nice if he asked how you were feeling, but staying home from work? No. I hate being made a fuss of and would much rather be left to manage myself. Unfortunately my creative attempts at getting about in the past have made me a bit of a hazard, hence DH hovers even more!

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 19:31

Posted too soon, wanted to say that slipping on bathroom floor bloody hurts - did it last year and had to have stitches in the back of my head. Hope you feel better soon.

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 19:32

sometimes kit

DameDeDoubtance · 10/01/2017 19:33

Hugely uncaring and pretty worrying if you want to spend your life with this person.

Original poster

Pominoz1 · 10/01/2017 19:35

I had to call him home from work so,he could collect our son from school. We live a good 25 minutes by car from his school. I did need help,today, can't lift anything heavy, difficult gettin onto the loo. I am saving the painkillers for,when I have to,go back to work tomorrow they are super strength ones from the doctors and only available on prescription. New job etc ! and one that works so well with school commitments I really don't want to stuff it up.

When he is sick, he is cared for extremely well

OP posts:

Huldra · 10/01/2017 19:36

I would expect my dh to ask in the morning and and at least check if there's anything he can do before work. I fell over in the summer and broke ribs but wasn't taken to hospital because there's nothing much they can do anyway. It's possible to not be taken to hospital but still be in lots of pain and have very restricted movement. My husband worked from home the next day to walk my child to school and back, I couldn't walk without feeling dizzy and couldn't drive. He also did the odd bit of reaching and fetching for me, I was trying to be as mobile as possible but it was limited.

I would do the same for him. If I really really had to go to work I would make sure kids were taken to school and collected. Then make him a sandwich for lunch and make sure water and cups for drinks were at a level he could get to. I have had to do that after operations he has had.

I couldn't imagine not checking if paramedics had been called the night before!

OopsDearyMe · 10/01/2017 19:43

Hang on, firstly you should have gone to A and E , I did the same two years ago, turned out I broke my back! So just because she seems all right on painkillers, her DH should have insisted you were properly checked out before buggering off.

RumbleMum · 10/01/2017 19:54

YANBU. That was incredibly thoughtless and inconsiderate of him. What if you'd been unable to drive or go to the toilet unaided? When I've really done my back in I wasn't able to drive (both from a pain perspective and also not being able to move my leg fast enough to brake effectively) and I've had times when I simply couldn't get on the toilet by myself either. It's not outside the realms of possibility that you'd be in the same state after a bad fall and everything has seized up. I'd have sworn too in your position - and I almost never do that to DH.

KathArtic · 10/01/2017 19:57

NHS resources are at breaking point. OP did you need the paramedics?

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