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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband refusing to help when unwell

90 replies

Pominoz1 · 10/01/2017 17:59

yesterday I had a really bad fall on a wet bathroom floor, paramedics arrived, gas and air given, offered a ride to hospital which I declined, GP visited with some nice strong drugs. Husband was called and he came home from work at about lunchtime.

Today he got up early, got dressed and told me he was going to work.
He didn't give me the chance to get out of bed to even see if I could walk about unaided before he decided.

This happens every time I have ever needed any help.

He has a good job which allows for sick leave, careers leave and annual leave.
He NEVER goes to the hospital if he's had an accident, never takes time off sick.
AIBU in expecting his help ?
I called him a fuc bastard, told him I didn't want anything from him and Sod off back to work ... He took our son to school and came back to work from home. So he did the right thing but unwillingly and that hurts more than my back

OP posts:
squoosh · 10/01/2017 19:58

He sounds cold.

RhiWrites · 10/01/2017 20:20

That's it, squoosh. Very cold and unloving.

VintagePerfumista · 10/01/2017 20:22

You talk about yourselves (both you and the way you talk about him "he never goes to the hospital if he has an accident") like it's always happening! Is it?

If you are so bad that you needed him to come home from work and can't even get onto the loo then what the jiggery are you doing saying you're going to work tomorrow? Hmm

Original poster
Pominoz1 · 10/01/2017 21:23

KathArtic ... Yes I did need paramedics, literally couldn't move and unable to get hold of any family. Stuck upstairs with a dodgy phone handset that kept dying on me, stark naked, cold and in excrutiating pain. I am going back to work tomorrow as I too work for the NHS and am well aware that it will be very difficult to get cover for me and the nurses are busy enough. I have saved the painkillers for tomorrow and as I sit at a computer and answer phones I should be fairly immobile.

OP posts:
DailyFail1 · 10/01/2017 21:38

If your dh tries to get on with it when he's ill, he might not have a realistic view of illness. Next time he's sick just leave him to it & see how he likes it.

Theladyloriana · 11/01/2017 00:31

Eh?! You expect your h to look after you but refuse to take painkillers as you want to go to work?! Either you're too ill to look after a child or work and he needs to step in or not.

Though he was very cold. But you're not sounding reasonable to me. Hope you're on the mend Flowers

corythatwas · 11/01/2017 00:46

I would not expect dh to stay home from work. But I would expect him to:

find out how I was before he left

bring me cups of tea and breakfast before he left

make sure I had food and anything else I might need for the day

make any necessary arrangements for picking up children etc

keep in contact during the day

appear generally sympathetic

ExplodedCloud · 11/01/2017 00:55

If either of us is ill, the bare minimum is to check that the other is going to cope before we leave. We have school age dc and can work at home so can usually leave a bit late, rustle up friends for school runs etc.
Mind you if you've knackered your back, taking the drugs to assess their effect and moving about today would have been prudent.
Hope you feel better Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2017 01:39

When I had Noro before Xmas DH came home and said that he had spoken to his boss and would be home the next day. I couldnt take the kids to school or pick them up and as he doesnt drive, him coming back to do the runs wasnt possible so he took the day as emergency leave.

Thats what people do when they care about you, they offer, they dont wait to be asked.

Butterymuffin · 11/01/2017 01:46

Jeez, the competitive 'get on with it'-ness on here is ridiculous. This is OP's husband. It is no way unreasonable to expect him to check if she'll be ok and whether she needs anything before going to work, rather than slinking out like a burglar. Anyone would think she was asking to have champagne brought to her on a silver tray hourly.

DancingPenguin1 · 11/01/2017 01:54

I would not expect dh to stay home from work. But I would expect him to:

find out how I was before he left

bring me cups of tea and breakfast before he left

make sure I had food and anything else I might need for the day

make any necessary arrangements for picking up children etc

keep in contact during the day

appear generally sympathetic

This....

Bubblebathwater · 11/01/2017 02:28

If my dp refused to go to the hospital or take the pain killers they had been prescribed I would probably go into work too tbh I'd get them breakfast, deal with the childcare etc but if they're refusing to follow the doctors advise I'd think they weren't in so much pain that I had to stay

PerspicaciaTick · 11/01/2017 02:34

I'm a bit worried about you using super strong painkillers at work. Will they affect your ability to drive, make decisions etc. Could you end up doing more damage (twisting in your chair for example) because you can't feel the pain?

PerspicaciaTick · 11/01/2017 02:36

And how on earth did you swing a home visit from your GP when you'd already had the paramedics out? Shock.

Anyway, I hope you wake up feeling lots better and more mobile.

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2017 02:40

I was thinking about driving too. Prescription only painkillers can knock you out, what are they OP?

THere is a good chance that you will not be safe to drive, much less interact with patients when you are on them.

mum2Bomg · 11/01/2017 05:16

I'd be more upset that he seemed not to give a sh*t about me than the help offered or practicalities of the day. I don't think YABU at all - his attitude is rather unkind. Flowers

Silvercatowner · 11/01/2017 05:55

I can't get passed the GP visiting.... I thought that hadn't been a 'thing' for some years now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2017 05:57

Was thinking the same thing about the painkillers myself. Have you taken them before op?

Middleoftheroad · 11/01/2017 06:00

I empathise (and Some of these responses lack that empathy in bucket loads).. My DH is the same. I'm not ill often but when my DTs were younger and me and one of the boys had noro I reveived no support and had to do school runs etc. with one sick child too.When he was ill he was asleep all day and did not have to do any school runs or look after a sick child while ill himself.

YANBU it's the lack of care. The assumption that he can get up and go to work. As you can see it stlll grates me. Because it reveals that they always put the job first and don't just take the time to suport you land do the decent and obvious lovingthing. I get it. Hope you're OK

Miserylovescompany2 · 11/01/2017 06:40

A little compassion goes a long way. At the very least, your husband could of made sure you were comfortable, maybe brought you some breakfast up? However, I don't think you should have saved the pain killers up, they were prescribed to be used straight away. I know when I was prescribed codeine, I was talking a load of gibberish and was high as a kite. I would of cringed if I'd been seen like that at work...

I hope you don't regret saving up those pain meds?

hollinhurst84 · 11/01/2017 06:48

My GP did a home visit. I was stuck on the floor, paramedics got me up with gas and air but then I was stuck in bed again the next morning. Couldn't get to GP, couldn't get prescription so GP came out to give rectal diazepam and codeine

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/01/2017 06:50

I love it when people tell me how they just get on with it when their limbs are falling off and their skin is rotting with leprosy. When I'm ill I take the day off work, binge watch Lord of the Rings and whine until my throat hurts too much, then I switch to Facebook to get more sympathy. It's great.

Thattimeofyearagain · 11/01/2017 06:51

He sounds like a selfish git. I tore my calf muscle a few months ago - A&E job ( no ambulance involved before I get ambushed) & dh either stayed with me ( day of incident) or arranged for someone to be with me until I was mobile enough to cope. He is not the " there, there" whilst mopping your brow type but he cares.

picklemepopcorn · 11/01/2017 06:51

MyDH is like this. He is very routine focused, and it simply wouldn't occur to him not to get up and go.

And then go to the gym on the way home, because it is Wednesday. It isn't that he doesn't care, it is that he doesn't think.

whattodowiththepoo · 11/01/2017 06:55

"So he did the right thing but unwillingly and that hurts more than my back"

So your back isn't too bad then.