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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband refusing to help when unwell

90 replies

Pominoz1 · 10/01/2017 17:59

yesterday I had a really bad fall on a wet bathroom floor, paramedics arrived, gas and air given, offered a ride to hospital which I declined, GP visited with some nice strong drugs. Husband was called and he came home from work at about lunchtime.

Today he got up early, got dressed and told me he was going to work.
He didn't give me the chance to get out of bed to even see if I could walk about unaided before he decided.

This happens every time I have ever needed any help.

He has a good job which allows for sick leave, careers leave and annual leave.
He NEVER goes to the hospital if he's had an accident, never takes time off sick.
AIBU in expecting his help ?
I called him a fuc bastard, told him I didn't want anything from him and Sod off back to work ... He took our son to school and came back to work from home. So he did the right thing but unwillingly and that hurts more than my back

OP posts:

IceMap · 11/01/2017 08:29

YABU not to take the painkillers because you're 'saving them for work' and expect your DH to take day off instead.

How will you manage at work if you're barely mobile today and struggle to get on and off the loo?

Surely if you need more painkillers your GP will prescribe them, so no need to ration them?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/01/2017 08:34

This whole thread is confusing!

HermioneJeanGranger · 11/01/2017 08:44

If you're in that much pain, take your painkillers! The GP will happily prescribe more if necessary - but what's the point in calling him out, only to not take the pills he's given you?

I agree your DH could have asked about you and checked you were okay before leaving, but if my OH was refusing to take the painkillers he'd been prescribed because he was "saving them", I'd presume he was perfectly okay to be left at home on his own.

If it's that bad, help yourself! Follow the GP's advice, rest and take your painkillers! You're lucky you have a partner who can work from home at the last minute to help you, but you need to help yourself as well.

Hope you get better soon

LunaLoveg00d · 11/01/2017 08:49

In pain but saving the painkillers.... call out the ambulance but refuse to go to hospital.... Planning to go to work tomorrow. All very odd.

Not all jobs can be dropped at a second's notice because of someone who may or may not be ill. I would expect regular texts, perhaps an early finish from DH if I were in that situation. But if I WERE in that situation I would be taking my bloody painkillers!

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/01/2017 08:55

I do think he should have checked you were OK before heading out, but staying home seems like overkill. What do you think single mum's do when injured/sick?

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/01/2017 08:56

Mums. Stupid phone.

Lilyargin · 11/01/2017 09:04

All this talk of painkillers and ambulance calls is beside the point. The question is AIBU to feel hurt that husband has shown little care? The answer to that is no, not at all unreasonable. We all need tlc and care when unwell/injured and not even to ask how someone is feeling after a traumatic fall is very thoughtless!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 09:10

All this talk of painkillers and ambulance calls is beside the point.

Actually I don't think it is.

Crumbs1 · 11/01/2017 09:16

I'm really judgy here but you sound like a drama queen. We've all fallen over and not needed an ambulance. The idea that I would sit naked and wet awaiting paramedics is simply not something I would do unless I was unconscious. If I could reach a phone I could get myself sorted out.
Do you have a history of making a song and dance about minor health issues? You've got pain killers and are going to work tomorrow but think he should take time off. Seriously?

LadyVajarjarOnGin · 11/01/2017 09:27

I agree with Piglet & Crumbs

YABU - stop all the drama and swearing. Have you considered properly communicating with your DH??

And no, you did not need paramedics and an emergency ambulance.
That's a disgusting waste of our resources and exactly why we are overstretched and exhausted.

And yes, I am a paramedic.

manhowdy · 11/01/2017 09:41

You fell over naked on the bathroom floor, literally couldn't move, needed paramedics....but happened to have a phone in your hand?

pipsqueak25 · 11/01/2017 09:49

why would he need time off for you if you didn't go to hospital ? he got ds to school and you were able to rest with the 'nice strong painkillers' [i take these too] you need to rest but you don't need a nurse maid surely ?
his take on illness is different to yours, if there were young kids and you had d&v then it wouldn't bu for him to have a day to help you.

kilmuir · 11/01/2017 10:00

He didn't refuse though did he?
If you won't take the prescribed analgesia then tough titty, don't complain that you are in pain!
Shouldn't be waiting for pain to get too bad you should be keeping on top of it. And gently mobilising. If you lie in bed you will find it even harder tomorrow

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2017 10:01

I don't think op has any concept of what real chronic pain is. Or being truly incapacitated. I was on crutches and permanent pain killers during pregnancy from back pain. I hated it and when I got to 2 weeks before full term I came off as the risks of passing to the baby I read heightened on approaching full term. After 2 days, I literally couldn't walk. It was scary. If I dropped something after I gave birth, it stayed on the floor because I couldn't bend down to pick it up but had to slowly crouch down and then crawl between the 2 sofas and haul myself up. I could hardly walk either of course. I then fell down the stairs when dd was 6 months old with her in my arms and now have permanent damage. I didn't call the paramedics. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME) and when dd hit 3 I stopped functioning. I couldn't make dd food and she used to get yoghurts from the fridge and when I had mustered enough strength, I just about managed to stand to cook her eggs or nuggets. I would lay for hours unable to speak or move beyond grunts, desperate for a wee but unable to go. Funnily enough my dh never took a day off. He did put dd to bed when I was unable and he found us asleep on the sofa and he did clean and when I was really too ill he made me food - including literally feeding me as I couldn't get my arm to my mouth. When it got that bad, I booked dd into nursery 3 days a week. I broke my heart. I took her and picked her up even though my dh could have and my friend looked after us 1.5 days then dh at the weekend. A lady from homestart came most weeks for 2 hours. I lived off drive through McDonald's. It was a grim time.

I'm still very ill and have a lot of pain. I have treatment twice a week for the pain. I'm not in a wheelchair thanks to my perseverance and determination to put up with very painful treatment and the professionals, who help me for the ME. It is also thanks to my wonderful dh, who goes to work and earns good money to pay for the tens of thousands of treatment I've had. He took a lot to adjust and we had lots of fights because he wanted me to do more than I could. He only looked after me when I truly truly couldn't do it myself. He didn't just down tools like you are expecting your dh to do.

Despite all this, I have never had the doctor and the paramedics out to me. I did go to A&E because I was really ill and didn't know what was wrong because I kept on losing energy, falling over and was unable to move.

BillSykesDog · 11/01/2017 10:02

He should have asked if you were okay. But you should have taken the painkillers and got more from the GP if necessary. Expecting him to stay off work so you could save painkillers and you're well enough to work the following day is BVU.

The problem is these things have a terrible habit of biting you on the arse, especially when you're in a new job and can't take time off. So, he stays home with you when you don't really need it. Next week DS gets the raging trots and somebody has to stay home with him, then your boiler breaks down and he can't stay home because he has done twice and has a meeting on that's already been rescheduled once and so you have to stay home and get a black mark on your probation. It's best to save it for real emergencies and I don't think this was one.

I have to say if a woman posted that her husband was expecting her to do this nobody would sympathise with him.

pipsqueak25 · 11/01/2017 10:03

saving the pain killers so you can go to work tomorrow ? many of the strong ones carry warnings about driving/operating machinery etc if affected. sorry but this sounds a bit drama-ing on your part, you had a fall that is bad enough but you are going back tomorrow . the nhs is under stress but you aren't going to help if your back is injured and it could make it worse driving, twisting in your chair etc.

BillSykesDog · 11/01/2017 10:07

Hope you're on the mend though

GreatFuckability · 11/01/2017 10:26

i love that people who weren't there have decided whether the OP needed to ring for paramedics or not .

And I'm sorry littledragon but leaving a woman who isn't even well enough to speak to look after a small child is not the behaviour of a wonderful husband!

OP wants her HUSBAND, you know, the man who is meant to love her, to ask if she is ok. i don't think thats outside the remit of the job really. this place is bonkers at times.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2017 10:36

Greatfuckability. What was my dh supposed to do, lose his job? Because this wasn't just a day or two. I have no family locally.

WatchingFromTheWings · 11/01/2017 10:39

I am saving the painkillers for,when I have to,go back to work tomorrow they are super strength ones from the doctors and only available on prescription

If they're that strong you probably shouldn't be driving/working. Anything stronger than paracetamol knocks me out!

BillSykesDog · 11/01/2017 10:40

And the child is school age so not really small...plus she would have been well enough if she'd taken the painkillers. He was going to school. If she's well enough to work the following days then she's well enough to sit in a taxi to school and back today.

VintagePerfumista · 11/01/2017 10:41

I think what the OP wants, is lots of attention. Which she certainly managed to get between paramedics, GP home visits and husband having to come home from work.

Given that she is supposedly back at work today, the drama appears to be over.

I do agree there seem to be 2 different issues here, a (relatively uncaring husband (though perhaps he was a bit embarrassed at paramedics, home visits and having to come home from work?) (or perhaps he's fed up with this kind of thing if it's regular?) and a hefty lump of attention seeking.

And everything BillSykesDog says.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 10:42

And I'm sorry littledragon but leaving a woman who isn't even well enough to speak to look after a small child is not the behaviour of a wonderful husband

Not using the medication that have been given you to help you get better is irresponsible.

If OP had actually taken the painkillers she may actually feel better.

CherrySkull · 11/01/2017 11:47

Its one thing to wish your DH would ask if you need something before he leaves for work, its totally something else to speak to them the way the OP did just because she won't take her prescribed medication.

That is no way to speak to her spouse just because he was getting ready to go to work.

pipsqueak25 · 11/01/2017 13:12

i don't think op is coming back, don't blame her though because this is all a bit silly and over done.

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