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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
bigpigsmum · 11/01/2017 19:13

You are not BU. My mum died when I was in my twenties, and I inherited her dog and cats. My fiancé was allergic to everything furry and has asthma, but he insisted that the whole menagerie move in with him - me included.

20 years later we're still married and have had numerous pets since, at first he had the upstairs as a 'sanctuary' a place hair free, but now the cat and the dog come for weekend snuggles in bed. Allergies he's still got them but he's toughened up.

But if it's a choice - I'd choose my dog over a new boyfriend. The furry face has a tried and tested loyalty.

user892 · 11/01/2017 19:16

He doesn't say that about your looks does he OP? About not being able to get anyone else?

I hope you were joking because otherwise that's a pretty hardcore negative belief you have there!

And your aunt has deemed that he could be 'the one' Hmm Did you grow up to have healthy self-esteem? Or were you criticised a lot?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 19:20

I am with Kittybythelighthouse.PWPF You are plain wrong!

No I'm not. It is a ridiculous thing to say.

So according to your everyone who dislikes dogs are untrustworthy. Jeez Hmm

However about people who dislike cats, or rabbits or birds..... or are they all OK.

wtffgs · 11/01/2017 19:20

Dog
Dog
Dog

(and I'm a cat-person)Wink, At best, he' a bit immature and selfish. Do you really want to part with your lovely dog only to see him disappear after a few months anyway? Not that I'd suggest him staying in your life is a reason to get rid of an older dog. If he's half decent he'll understand. Otherwise, if get rid.... of the boyfriend Grin

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 19:21

*How about

HeWoreAGirlsCardigan · 11/01/2017 19:21

Agree with PPs and say stick with the dog. I am allergic to my dog but I bath her once a week and find I am not affected by the allergy as a result. I am allergic to other dogs though. She stands in the shower and loves a lather up. It's a win win.

smallchanceofrain · 11/01/2017 19:21

Another vote for dog here. He sounds a bit manipulative. If he was "the one" he'd be looking for a solution other than expecting you to dispose of your dog, who has been by your side through so much and needs you way more than he does. You still have years ahead of you to find "the one". I speak as someone who is quite old (50) compared to you and has met several men who I thought were "the one". My dog is way more emotionally supportive, comforting, helpful, understanding, forgiving and loyal than any of them were! If the current Mr smallchance made me choose I'd choose my dog. He knows this and is only slightly resentful. Smile

Starlight2345 · 11/01/2017 19:21

As someone who has no interest in dogs I would say he is been unreasonable.

It doesn't take much stretch to understand your attachment to your pet.

I would be concerned the ultimatum stuff . You are 21 it isn't a rush.

BlitzPig · 11/01/2017 19:29

I skimmed but didn't rt whole ft. Sorry if repetition.

I've just developed fairly severe asthma (pretty much started with a very scary week in hospital last winter) and was gutted to learn in the spring that I can never have a dog again (we had one growing up, I "outgrew" my asthma around the time she died). I've always secretly felt that pet allergies are a bit of a silly reason to not want an animal around - especially a dog, what's not to love - but now I'd certainly not be able to move in with someone who had a dog. Asthma can easily be fatal, it's not just a case of getting a runny nose.

For sure I'd not expect someone to kill their dog(!) but I guess if we were getting serious I'd want to have a discussion around if they'd consider rehoming, and certainly if they were sure they would be able not to get another if we waited. I don't really see that this is unreasonable, if my child developed a life threatening allergy I'd rehome the dog, surely a partner should be the same?

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 11/01/2017 19:32

I'm not comforatble around dogs, and wil never have one as a pet.

But I'd say ditch the bloke and get some therapy for your self esteem. Not all blokes are so shallow they only go on looks. Nice blokes can see the real beautiful person inside of you.

This chap is pushing you for his own convenience. Which rather suggests the possibility that when a better offer comes along, he'll be gone like a shot.

NoelHeadbands · 11/01/2017 19:34

A bit like Groucho Marx didn't want to be a member of any club that would have him, I don't think I'd want to be with anyone who would rehome a loved pet for a new partner, even if I were that new partner! Grin

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 11/01/2017 19:34

Comfortable, rather.

Oh, and stick with your dog, she looks cute and deserves being looked after the love and comfort she's given you.

Kittybythelighthouse · 11/01/2017 20:09

Piglet, I'm wary of people who hate animals of any kind but particularly dogs. I said from the get go that it might not be everyone's view but it has held true for me. You don't have to like it, that's ok by me, but it is how I feel nonetheless.

Hairyloon · 11/01/2017 20:15

It seems a pretty straightforward choice to me.
On the one hand you have somebody who loves you unconditionally, on the other, someone who loves you only if you do what they want.

I know which I would pick.

pollymere · 11/01/2017 20:15

If he loves you, he'll wait. Your dog is unlikely to live more than four years (sorry!) You obviously can't live together at the moment. Would you ever want another dog though? Being with this guy would rule that out. The alternative is to find someone who could take the dog and you visit often but you are allowed to feel this is not an option for you.

user892 · 11/01/2017 20:16

Is it ok to sort of appreciate them from afar Kitty, but dislike them close up? I like to see funny dogs playing and some are cute to look at. But I don't really want to get another closer than that. I'm a cat person really. Would you suspect me to have empathy issues? Or would I pass the test :)

user892 · 11/01/2017 20:17

*any, not another

PaulDacresConscience · 11/01/2017 20:31

Old dogs are very, very difficult to re-home. Those that have been house dogs all their lives can also find it difficult to adjust to being in a kennels - the noise, no comfy sofa, it's colder, lots of strangers in and out, a complete change to their routine. It can be an extremely stressful environment for a dog that is unused to kennels. I volunteer at a local rescue and we have a hard enough time trying to get the young and healthy dogs re-homed. The old ones are usually there until they die (we don't PTS unless it is medically necessary).

Now take one look at your dog. Think about the comfort and love she has given you over all of these years. Look at her face and the way that she trusts you to feed her, walk her, cuddle her and do your best for her. Can you honestly see yourself giving her up?

Your boyfriend sounds incredibly selfish. He has not lent any weight to the fact that you have a close bond with your dog. He is also pushing to move in because it suits him right now - not because it's the right thing for you BOTH to do.

Beware of selfish men. They rarely change.

Number4OnTheWay · 11/01/2017 20:46

To be clear I am not a do person. I've never owned a dog and never will. I normally read these threads and think Confused it's an animal!

However, there are. So many red flags here, they are screaming at you! Pick the dog. He is not the one, he is trying to control you and keep you second guess yourself. This is not great.

Number4OnTheWay · 11/01/2017 20:50

(I don't dislike dogs btw, I was attacked by one when I was little. I can deal with small dogs, but anything bigger gives me panic attacks. Especially those that come running up to me in a park while the owner shouts "oh, it won't hurt you" while I'm shaking, crying and struggling to breathe, frozen in fear.)

pinkstripeycat · 11/01/2017 21:00

A dog is a member of your family. You wouldn't get rid of your child and a dog is like a child. Your dog would be heartbroken without you and wouldn't understand where you had gone. If your boyfriend is the real deal he will wait until your baby flies over the rainbow naturally. Alternatively he will live off antihistamines as my friends husband has done for the past 16 years due to his cat allergy! A boyfriend who makes you chose is NOT the real deal (I don't think anyway)

simiisme · 11/01/2017 21:04

Keep the dog. He sounds heartless - hasn't even offered to try antihistamines etc.

haveacupoftea · 11/01/2017 21:12

He doesnt love you enough to let you keep your best friend, your little family, your world Hmm LTB!!!

Mermaid67 · 11/01/2017 21:24

No way would I pick an animal over my future happiness, especially if I was sure about him.

Pluto30 · 11/01/2017 21:26

No way would I pick an animal over my future happiness, especially if I was sure about him.

You sound like a charmer.