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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
Mermaid67 · 11/01/2017 21:26

I agree with piglet about this

Pluto30 · 11/01/2017 21:30

I agree with piglet about this

Yeah, we got that from your comment about putting a beloved pet of 11 years after a boyfriend of "a while". Your referring to the pet as "an animal" shows how unconcerned you are for the OP's predicament, and how oblivious you are to the fact that there are a fuck ton of red flags in this situation, which others have pointed out.

CoolDadZL · 11/01/2017 21:36

Screw him.......he ain't the one if he thinks that......my ex-wife got a fella, I got my dogs.....they rock & no one's coming between us 👍

MrsTwix · 11/01/2017 21:42

Are you sure he is telling the truth about the allergies? I had a really bad reaction the other day, (with me it's cats I'm ok with dogs) I had no idea why, no cat anywhere, eventually tracked it down to BIL jumper, he had been cuddling a cat at a friends house.

If he was allergic to the dog you would already know about it because your clothes would set him off.

It sounds like controlling behaviour and jealousy to me I'm afraid, and sorry if this is tactless, but with your mum gone you are more vulnerable than ever.

Please be careful xx

HappyFlappy · 11/01/2017 21:45

No way would I pick an animal over my future happiness, especially if I was sure about him.

I couldn't be happy with anyone who made me kill my dog - and I could certainly NEVER forgive myself for murdering an animal for purely selfish reasons - how could anyone be happy with that on their conscience?

And while you might believe with all your heart that that person is going to be in your life forever - what if a couple of years down the line s'he walks out on you for someone else? You are left with nothing except regrets.

And Kitty - I agree. People who dislike dogs for no good, valid reason are invariably selfish tw*@ts* IME. Invariably.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 21:50

People who dislike dogs for no good, valid reason are invariably selfish tw*@ts IME. Invariably.*

I think people who judge others, for no good, valid reason and make sweeping statements are invariably twats ime.

For the record I do actually like dogs. I just think stupid generalisations are ridiculous.

TitaniasCloset · 11/01/2017 22:04

I don't trust people who don't like dogs either, unless they are genuinely scared. And I trust even less people that dogs don't like.

Poppypooch · 11/01/2017 22:10

I would choose my dog I wouldn't live with someone who made ultimatums like that he doesn't sound very caring. "The one" will not make you choose, he would understand how important your dog is to you.
I also read it as he wants your dog pts, sorry op

UnGoogleable · 11/01/2017 22:15

I haven't RTFT but jumping in here to say hell no you're not being unreasonable. I'd pick my dog every single time.

My dog was the love of my life. When I met my now DH, he was allergic to him. He used to take antihistamines before coming into my house. The only concession I made was I stopped allowing my dog on the bed.

DH got used to him, his allergy faded. He loved him almost as much as I did, and helped me nurse him and care for him in his old age. He was by my side when I said goodbye to my beautiful boy this year.

No way on god's green earth would I have ever, EVER have given up my dog for my boyfriend. And no way would he have ever expected me to.

Love me, Love my Dog. Every time.

TheMaddHugger · 11/01/2017 22:20

OP You're Young. You're Aunt is wrong. He is NOT the one.

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) and scritches for your Puppy 🐶

ThatWhiteElephant · 11/01/2017 22:21

Defo pick your dog. Your partner should not be telling you to choose!

Vickyg43 · 11/01/2017 22:24

YANBU. I would choose the dog any day. Your dog can give you Unconditional Love, something your boyfriend needs a lesson or two in. The dog was in your life long before he appeared on the scene and has never handed you an ultimatum like that. IMO, you should choose your beloved pet and tell him to sod off. Find yourself a man that loves dogs as much as you do. Your dog is clearly a major part of your life (and rightly so), he has no right to ask you to make such a choice. 'The one' would not put you in that situation. If he has issues with allergies, he should have said so long ago - that's not your fault. Whatever decision you make, just be sure that you won't regret it.

Sittingonthesofa · 11/01/2017 22:32

Definitely choose the dog.

TheProblemOfSusan · 11/01/2017 22:38

Glaring giant red flags all over this,as all the PP have said.

Is he, by any chance, just about to finish uni? Or the current contract on his pricy flat coming up for renewal? And do you, completely coincidentally, own your own home that he'll move in to?

Perhaps he has genuine allergies (which are awful and can be life threatening ), perhaps he is jealous of the dog - doesn't matter. That he even suggested having your dog put down (which is deffo what he meant) so he could conveniently live in your nice free housing is reprehensible.

car5ys · 11/01/2017 22:54

Sorry but I would pick the dog over the unfeeling, insensitive, non pet loving boyfriend anytime. As for allergies if they were that bad he would suffer when he was with you due to hair/dander from your pet so yanbu

elenafrancesca · 12/01/2017 06:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Rowenag · 12/01/2017 06:55

I have severe allergies to all animals and would be ill all the time if I lived in a house with pets. I also dislike dogs having been attacked twice as a child (I grew up abroad where dogs can roam wild). So I can understand how he might have asked you to give the dog to someone else so you can move in together. However, given that you are 21 with years and years ahead of you to take that next step with him and also that you clearly love your dog and don't want to re-home it, then I completely feel he should be understanding and patient and wait until your dog has passed away naturally. Putting pressure on you or making you feel bad is not right. And without being patronising, I do feel 21 is too young to be so serious in a relationship too. I would definitely date for longer and ensure you are really a good match before moving in despite the dog situation.

Ragwort · 12/01/2017 07:06

I completely agree with your comments elen and appreciate the difficulties the BF would have if he lived with a dog - as I too would have which is why I would just never, ever get involved with anyone who had a dog (or cat/gerbil/any pet for that matter Grin).

I think the OP and her BF are just incompatible because of this issue, as she loves dogs so much it is highly likely that she would want another dog at some time in the future if/when her current dog dies.

Neither view is 'right' or 'wrong' but I just don't think there is a compromise over having pets.

fishybits · 12/01/2017 07:22

It shouldn't take a third party to tell you if he's "the one" and if he truly loves you, he would want you to be happy and would therefore wait however long it took till you dog died before suggesting you moved in together.

He is not "the one", only has HIS interests at heart and if I was you, I'd run.

Ladyrainbowsparkles · 12/01/2017 07:48

If he was 'the one' he wouldn't make you choose him or your beloved dog, the swine. He would just take piriton and get on with it...

piggypoo · 12/01/2017 07:59

You are absolutely not BU. My pets are my beloved family members too. When I met my other half, I made it clear from the start that I would not get rid of my cat, (3 of them and 1 canary) His family never had pets and consider people who love pets as over-sentimental, I told him, he accepted the situation, or he knew where the door was. He told me if it meant losing me, then he was prepared to accept that. Years later, we still have the cats, all teenagers now, and he actually has come to love them all, and has even adopted another one himself. He now appreciates how much love pets give us and how wonderful it is to share your life with a fur-baby. I wish you all the best.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/01/2017 08:18

The guy is purely being honest. Perhaps the solution would be to stay together and wait until the doggy naturally dies

A. We don't know if he is being honest. I would have thought his "allergy" would have come up before now given the op would have at some point have had dog hair on her clothing and

B. The bf isn't willing to wait (probably because he is leaving uni and needs somewhere to stay/share the rent more than likely live for free but doesn't want competition from the dog so wants it dead.

I agree if he loved her he would wait for the dog to live out the rest of its days with the op then move in but this is not what he wants

Spring2016 · 12/01/2017 08:25

I would not "get rid" of a pet for a boyfriend to move in. He could try taking allergy meds and staying overnight as a guest for a few weeks, and see how he feels. But probably he should get his own animal free place to live, tbh.

Ragwort · 12/01/2017 08:51

If he was 'the one' he wouldn't make you choose him or your beloved dog, the swine. He would just take piriton and get on with it...

I don't agree with that argument, surely you could equally say that 'if he is 'the one' then the OP would re-home the dog and live happily ever after with him'. Hmm.

As I said before, both views are reasonable, sometimes there just is no compromise and, in my opinion, this is too big to come to a mutually satisfactory agreement - therefore neither is 'the one' for each other.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/01/2017 09:18

Your dog is totes adorbs btw.

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