telling my friend she comes across as rude in text messages

[RnBee]

aarrgghh. just fallen out with my friend. She is having a dinner party on Sat and I texted her to offer to make a tiramisu for dessert (which she knows takes ages). At the moment I am so busy I don't know what to do with myself. DS2 is sick, I am moving in a few weeks and trying to renovate the new house. Plus have autsitic DS1 and a play opening in April that I have millions of lines to learn by the weekend.

However I am happy to help her by making dessert as she isn't really into cooking and she is making dinner for us and another couple.

Anyway her response to my offer was 'If you like. Can I borrow you rice cooker'

Tbh I was really taken aback. The least I expected was 'Thanks, that's really kind, I know how much you have on' or 'Thanks, but don't worry I have it sorted' or something.

I'm fed up of making nice suggestions like 'would you like to come round for dinner, I can pick you up' and getting 'ok' as a reply.

So I texted her back and said sometimes she can be rude in texts, even though I'm sure she doesnt mean to be. She is really upset and has cancelled the dinner party . She thinks I misinterpret. Maybe i do?

If I were her I would have said, "That would be lovely, thank you."

If I were you and had received her message, I would have said, "On second thoughts, I'm not actually going to have time to make one, sorry". You could soften the blow by offering to pick something up at the supermarket but I wouldn't kill myself.

I'm afraid you can be too nice and people just don't appreciate it.

So much of our communication is non-verbal. For example, I could tell someone to 'shut up' and they would know whether I meant this jokingly or seriously by my tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures. You don't get any of this with text messages (and that's why I feel like I have to end them all with 'x' so the recipient knows I'm not being rude).

It's quite possible you were overreacting or taking things the wrong way but in the absence of any 'clues', like a friendly tone of voice, I can understand why.

@Scurryfunge12

it’s been 16 years since she posted, I think the apology is pointless now 😉

I can see where your coming from. However, some people are quite cut in their communication and it can come across quite rude but maybe that is not their intentions. You clearly have a lot going on, and if I was you I would try to be clear with your friend and say look I have XYZ happening, if you don't think I should make something the please let me know etc. so of course you also don't waste your time.