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Original poster

telling my friend she comes across as rude in text messages

79 replies

RnBee · 22/02/2007 11:21

aarrgghh. just fallen out with my friend. She is having a dinner party on Sat and I texted her to offer to make a tiramisu for dessert (which she knows takes ages). At the moment I am so busy I don't know what to do with myself. DS2 is sick, I am moving in a few weeks and trying to renovate the new house. Plus have autsitic DS1 and a play opening in April that I have millions of lines to learn by the weekend.

However I am happy to help her by making dessert as she isn't really into cooking and she is making dinner for us and another couple.

Anyway her response to my offer was 'If you like. Can I borrow you rice cooker'

Tbh I was really taken aback. The least I expected was 'Thanks, that's really kind, I know how much you have on' or 'Thanks, but don't worry I have it sorted' or something.

I'm fed up of making nice suggestions like 'would you like to come round for dinner, I can pick you up' and getting 'ok' as a reply.

So I texted her back and said sometimes she can be rude in texts, even though I'm sure she doesnt mean to be. She is really upset and has cancelled the dinner party . She thinks I misinterpret. Maybe i do?

OP posts:
elliot3 · 22/02/2007 11:47

I think a lot of people hide behind texts and text things they'd never say to soemone's face and that's why i hate them . Did she text you to say dinner was cancelled or phone?

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 11:48

Yes you can if you've got time to mumsnet !!! Priorities priorities - she must be feeling like shit - take your phone now and go outside for a walk round the block !!!

Please - do it now - don't let it stew !!

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 11:49

Oops sorry I see it's not you at work but her !!! Still think you should ring now though !

Cloudhopper · 22/02/2007 11:54

I would agree that anything even slightly likely to offend should not be sent in a text. It is a really quick and useful way to communicate appropriate stuff, but it is a horrible way to break bad news of any sort.

I get so annoyed when people cancel things by text, because I think the least you can do is phone. And I very rarely phone anyone!

LucyJones · 22/02/2007 11:56

Yes you were unreasonable in texting her that she sounded rude.
If you have so much on why did you offer to male the dessert in the first place?
Although I do agree that maybe it was an over reaction cancelling the whole thing.

NurseyJo · 22/02/2007 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

greenday · 22/02/2007 11:59

Don't feel bad. She'll understand and forgive if she's a good friend. Misunderstandings happen a lot with texts. You misunderstood, she misunderstood ... call it quits and start over again.

morningpaper · 22/02/2007 11:59

CALL

SEND FLOWERS

SEND CARD

APOLOGISE

Txting sounds RUDE to me 90% of the time anyway

It's a CRAP way to communicate

If she's a good friend IN THE FLESH then just ignore her txting style

grovel now

littlelapin · 22/02/2007 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RnBee · 22/02/2007 12:10

I offered to make it because I wanted to help and was trying to be nice. I suppose I expected a thanks.

She texted to say dinner is cancelled. Her work is strict about personal calls so I can't call her.

I have just texted back to say I shouldn't have said she was rude by text. That was rude of me.

[sigh] I suppose its a reflection on our friendship anyway. I often find her rude even in the flesh tbh, she makes it clear that I am never a good enough friend. All she wants to do is go clubbing and get drunk whereas I have kids and can't/don't want to do that.

There is alot of pressure on me to be the all singing, all dancing friend which at the moment I cannot be.

She find is REALLY hard to make friends and I am her only friend here. I don't think it can be salvaged tbh

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 22/02/2007 12:10

Agree it was a mistake to offer to make pudding if it was so much trouble that you required a long flowery thank you for it

You sound as if you are just miffed because she wasn't grateful enough - but maybe she didn't want you to make tiramisu? Maybe she hates tiramisu, and thinks it's naff? In which case she was actually being quite polite....

Original poster
RnBee · 22/02/2007 12:11

soory I mean she finds it really hard to make friends

OP posts:
Original poster
RnBee · 22/02/2007 12:12

lol Franny i offered to make it because its her favourite

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 22/02/2007 12:14

LOL RnBee so she says

Original poster
RnBee · 22/02/2007 12:15

hehe maybe

OP posts:
DaveOHara · 22/02/2007 12:18

sorry think you were unreasonable... not all of of us are the types that feel able to gush, even though we maytbe very grateful. if you know she's not rude in RL you shouldn't have sent it.. esp if she is shy and finds it difficult to meet people.. however if you don't like her for other reasons then it's fine and you won't be sad at the loss of a friend.

Original poster
RnBee · 22/02/2007 12:24

i didn't say I don't like her but I think she can be rude. And she is far from shy. I do feel sad if I have lost her because I do care about her.

Oh well I suppose only time will tell what happens

OP posts:
littlelapin · 22/02/2007 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NAB3 · 22/02/2007 12:27

FWIW I wouldn't have texted back if you like. But it isn't worth losing a friendship and a nice night out over.

TeetheCeeofDavedom · 22/02/2007 12:30

You won't lose her.
Tbh I have good manners and am sometimes outraged that others don't!
However texting is different.
She's at work so had to text quickly.
Maybe inside she was feeling very grateful but it just didn't come out!
Some people aren't gushy with thanks, I am, maybe you are a bit too.
But also if you do something for someone you should do it with a good heart and not expect lots of thanks or your shouldn't bother, do you know what I mean.
Which is why I decided not to pull in or let any cars out on my work today! i'm bored of no-one saying thankyou!

NappiesGalore · 22/02/2007 12:32

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Jimjams2 · 22/02/2007 12:37

She sounds hard work RnB.

danceswithnewboots · 22/02/2007 12:42

Rnbee - actually I think her texts were blunt and I would have found them rude too.

TinyGang · 22/02/2007 12:48

I find all these new fangled ways of communication hugely open to misinterpretation (Text, Emails, voicemail etc).

Because they are designed for speed all the nuance and warmth goes out the window. Everything's rush rush rush these days.

Even on MN..just look at how many times someone ends up with hurt feelings cos the threads move so fast and posts become abrupt.

I agree about men and women texting differently. Dh worked away a few months ago. He doesn't do this much and we all missed each other. I sent him a really nice chatty text to cheer him up. His reply was.... 'Yes.'

I would probably have thought the same as you RnBee..hope you can make it up with you friend.

This is a very modern problem isn't it? We have every form of communication invented at our fingertips and we still don't communicate well.

twinklingstar · 22/02/2007 12:51

Some people are just inclined to be rather abrupt in their manner - no reflection on what they think of you, it is just the way they communicate. Is your friend like this on the phone, or in person - is how she always is? Or perhaps she doesn't do too well with texting style! I can't stand predictive text and it is time consuming and fiddly with phones shrinking ever smaller

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