telling my friend she comes across as rude in text messages

[RnBee]

aarrgghh. just fallen out with my friend. She is having a dinner party on Sat and I texted her to offer to make a tiramisu for dessert (which she knows takes ages). At the moment I am so busy I don't know what to do with myself. DS2 is sick, I am moving in a few weeks and trying to renovate the new house. Plus have autsitic DS1 and a play opening in April that I have millions of lines to learn by the weekend.

However I am happy to help her by making dessert as she isn't really into cooking and she is making dinner for us and another couple.

Anyway her response to my offer was 'If you like. Can I borrow you rice cooker'

Tbh I was really taken aback. The least I expected was 'Thanks, that's really kind, I know how much you have on' or 'Thanks, but don't worry I have it sorted' or something.

I'm fed up of making nice suggestions like 'would you like to come round for dinner, I can pick you up' and getting 'ok' as a reply.

So I texted her back and said sometimes she can be rude in texts, even though I'm sure she doesnt mean to be. She is really upset and has cancelled the dinner party . She thinks I misinterpret. Maybe i do?

actually, i think she WAS rude. you offered to do something nice for her. her reply 'if you like' was very dismissive. it was a rude reply. you cant even say it is about texts being brief because it would have been even more brief to reply Great thanks, or gr8 ta. her reply was rude and i am staggered that people are suggesting you apologise! i dont think you are in the wrong at all.

hmm I would probably have written "if you like" but what I would have meant by that is "if you like but please don't feel you have to as I don't need you to do it but it would be nice if you did" but I would have still written "if you like" or probably "if you like!"

If someone sent me a text saying "I think you're rude" I would be heart broken and probably cry as it would seem a direct attack.

Hi RnBee.
Sorry you've had this fall out. I can totally understand what has happened. You probably shouldn't have offered in the first place. I'm a bit like this. I do stuff and make offers which are actually too generous then feel resentful when people don't appear to fully appreciate how much I'm putting myself out.

I want to please too much. I never seem to learn.

It sounds like you've got loads on your plate and I didn't know you were moving. That would be enough on its own.

Can you take a little time out to destress? It could be time well spent. You're welcome to stop by for a coffee at mine.
I'll make tiramasu.

Actaully, I'd like for formally withdraw the offer to make tira, but you're welcome for a cuppa.

Absolutely agree with mytwopenceworth.

'If you like' is hardly gracious, is it?

Perhaps she has a problem with saying no?

I think 'if you like' could easily mean, 'don't feel you have to'.
It's the kind of thing I'd write because I'd want the person not to feel the had to make the tira. As we've all been saying, because it's in a text it comes across a bit abrupt and careless, but I wouldn't read it as such.

My text messages are very short as I am always in a hurry. If you communicate by text you have to accept that is not a polite form of communication. I don't think she was rude at all. If you had been speaking to her face to face or even by email I would consider it rude.

but she hasn't actually done anything wrong (the firend) she's not betrayed you or purposely hurt you and you've (from her point of view) openly attacked her. Sometimes it's best to let things rude for the sake of a friendship. So what she's a bit tactless... is it worth losing a friend over? that's the question ultimately.

I am constantly telling my friend that I would rather she used email or the telephone as a way of communication because I probably sound hundred times ruder than your friend in my text messages.

Aw thanks Spidermama! Am really tempted to say 'if you like' hehe! Thanks thats really kind, would love too. Really need a break and chat

Thanks for the support, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought it was rude. But it certainly is interesting how some people think it was a fine thing to say, and that others don't. We are all very different, I suppose.

NappiesGalore, that is exactly it. I said she comes across as rude, not that she is rude. I was actually trying to help.

DaveOHara, I think the exclamation mark makes all the difference.

Absolutely agree, Tinygang.

Let the moral of this story be speak to each other in person or on phone right from the start and things might never have gotten out of hand.

If I was planning a dinner party surely people would assume I would only do so if I felt competent enough to cook all the courses. Whilst a nice offer to cook pudding perhaps she already had something in mind so was a bit narked that suddenly her whole plan was changed but she didn't want to hurt your feelings hence the "if you like".

If you'd spoken to her properly you'd have picked up on her tone if tiramisu was appropriate or perhaps she'd have been better placed to say whether it was or was not. I hate texting - it's only use is for quick meet you where and when stuff or I'm running late. I totally echo a previous comment that you can waste half an hour texting to and fro when a call would have been quicker and leaves you with a nice feeling of friendship.

To reply by text saying it was rude is a tad hypocitical.

But phone her as soon as you can and be apologetic and laugh about it. If she is still taking the hump then perhaps best if you drop this friend.

RnBee any time. I'll CAT you my number. I'm around tomorrow if you like. It would be great to see you while we're still neighbours!

Were you texting her while she was at work? Then you should have realised she might not have had much time to write a lengthy reply.

Message withdrawn

You are a rude emailer too

And a rude poster at times too.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

I think "if you like" sounds a bit dismissive given that it was in reply to a generous offer. It's just as quick to text "yes please!" And cancelling it in a huff! - I think it's the friend who has issues here. i have to admit I wouldn't have texted back saying it sounded rude, but that's because I hate confrotation. I'd have just gradually cooled it a bit and not offered anything like that again.

Um, can I ask why you offered to make desert if you are so busy anyway? You might think you are doing her a huge favour, but all it may be is that you are saving her from is buying a desert from the patisserie, so really, all you are saving her is a bit of money, and not the work.

Having said that.... (and I really have no idea if that was the case or not), texting is supposed to be brief, and even emails can be interpreted as rude. Basically people are crap in communicating nowadays. In person with the expression in the voice clearly heard makes a difference.

Oh, and maybe she was super busy at that point. Wouuld you have thought she was being rude if she hadn't responding for awhile??

Has it been sorted yet Rnbee???

I text my mum yesterday to say I would be over to pick her up, what time suited, & what would she like for dinner, she replied with " OK, anytime, anything"

just to clarify the original texts were in the evening, she had just sent me a long text discussing what she was going to wear for the dinner party so time wasn't really an issue.

lol fireflyfairy!

Yes all sorted now we have made up after realising how silly it was to argue over...a tiramisu. The party is back on

I offered to make it again, and the reply? 'YES PLEASE!'

Yet another boring ZOMBIE ZOMBIE!!

You’ve over reacted. Maybe she should have said thanks but at the same time there is nothing wrong with what she said. I’d apologise.