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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
InterchangeableEmma · 09/01/2017 18:27

Contraception requires a degree of communication an mutual trust. Mutual trust. People make a plan and stick to it. Condoms / withdrawal might not be methods many people would be happy with but when both parties agree to that method honesty and communication is key.

You have been most U OP

Unreasonable
Untrustworthy
Underhand

Of course you shouldn't be forced to have an abortion. No woman should.

Your DP has been a fool to agree to this 'method' of contraception and a fool not to ask if / realize that EC might be necessary. TBH I can only guess that he wrongly assumed he could trust you.

HalfaFishFingerAndTwoPeas · 09/01/2017 18:28

I think op was hoping for controversial replies.

scottishdiem · 09/01/2017 18:29

This thread is a little odd but to be sure someone should be at least using one viable method of contraception even when things like windows and methods are used. He cannot be surprised by this unless OP told him it was 100% ok (and even then he is culpable for his own actions).

OP, what you do now is up to you but you do need to speak to your husband before you decide what you do next. Oh, and prepare for your husband to have a vasectomy to make sure this mistake doesn't happen again.

seasidesally · 09/01/2017 18:30

because clearly op was "hoping" for a accidental baby and is being cautious with her replys

this was a one sided plan its coming across as

pipsqueak25 · 09/01/2017 18:30

this is a silly thread all round, a couple who come across as a bit naive, unprotected sex can equal babies for gods sake, she wants a 3rd he doesn't, crikey is this a real thread or stupidity at it's worse ?
it doesn't matter to anyone on here if it is accidental on not, it's not our business, but you need to tell him asap, let's hope it works out for both of you.

Helloitsme87 · 09/01/2017 18:30

My first born was the product of me refusing to take the morning after pill. It really messed with my body when I had to take it a few years back and I always said I didn't want to do that again.
We took the risk both in agreement and my daughter was born.
We use condoms religiously now as we are done having our children and my husband will eventually have the snip. Your OH needs to take responsibility too. Why should women have to put artificial hormones in their body, because BOTH parties have been careless.
Good luck OP, I hope he doesn't react too badly

Cagliostro · 09/01/2017 18:30
Confused
thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 18:31

Did you discuss with him on Christmas Day that you would need to take the MAP to be sure of avoiding a pregnancy? Or did you take the decision yourself that you just didn't want to couldn't be arsed?

Baylisiana · 09/01/2017 18:31

I agree OP has not tricked her husband in any way, and the responsibility to discuss going to get the MAP was every bit as much his as hers. He couldn't have made OP take it, but from what OP says it doesn't sound like he even suggested it. If he genuinely doesn't want a third child, he is the biggest fool going.

You don't need to tell him anything OP, I would just act as if/assume he knows that you have both decided to try for a baby (which you both did) and that he won't be surprised you have done a test and it is positive.

Helloitsme87 · 09/01/2017 18:32

Oh and FYI, I was totally shocked to find out I was pregnant, even though we knew to took the risk. I freaked out massively and I just couldn't handle it and became mentally unwell. So I would say OP husband may be very shocked

KitKat1985 · 09/01/2017 18:32

I think you are both in the wrong here. If he adamantly didn't want a 3rd child he should have been using condoms and not relying on the withdrawal method. On the other hand, I sense you hardly encouraged the use of contraception and certainly didn't seek out the MAP or discuss with him about emergency contraception the day after, which you should have done. I think you wanted this to happen and have probably been crossing your fingers for a positive test result since that night.

dowhatnow · 09/01/2017 18:32

He didn't use a condom so he has as much fault as her. More so because he knew she wanted another one so wouldn't be so careful.

Tell him op and then make a decision together.

Mari50 · 09/01/2017 18:32

You're pregnant now so imo your husband will just have to sit back and deal with whatever decision you decide to make.
However, I find it hard to believe that you were unaware of when you were ovulating and that this pregnancy is a surprise to you in any way shape or form, esp as you admit to wanting a third.
If your husband leaves or your relationship suffers a seismic shift for the worse then I'm afraid it's all on you. For the sake of the children you have, I hope your husband accepts responsibility for his part this situation and you work it out.

Lndnmummy · 09/01/2017 18:33

I think it sounds deceitful. I feel sorry for your husband if that is the case. He has the right to choose how many children he wants.

ferriswheel · 09/01/2017 18:33

Omg.

Congratulations on being pregnant. Just that. Congratulations!

Go and tell him. He may well be just the support you need.

ringroads · 09/01/2017 18:36

I think it sounds deceitful. I feel sorry for your husband if that is the case. He has the right to choose how many children he wants.

Yep he sure does have the right to choose how many children he wants,, so he should have put something at the end of it!!!
Bet he wasnt complaining when he was getting his freak on. Tough shit now, congrats OP! Tel your husband you may well be shocked to find his happy about it.. you wont know until you tel him ...

SummerHouse · 09/01/2017 18:36

Op I hope you don't take these comments to heart. I have no reason to disbelieve anything you have said and I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. If your DP wanted to he could have discussed map with you.

The responses are vile and its one of the worst threads I have seen.

I hope you tell your partner and he is happy and you can come back tell us before never coming back to this horrible thread again.

Congrats on your pregnancy. Flowers

Baylisiana · 09/01/2017 18:37

My going to university was unplanned. I accidentally filled in the application form and attended the interview, and accidentally accepted the offer. I was really shocked.

TrillKitten · 09/01/2017 18:38

Oh my word.

Am I the only person who believes than an individual (yes, even a man!) has the right to control their own genetic material? Have a say in their own finances and family life? Bodily autonomy? This is a horrific way to treat someone you're supposed to love. I am so saddened by this thread. Sad

MissVictoria · 09/01/2017 18:39

Give the husband a break, it was christmas, probably been drinking, and the withdrawal method had been working for them for years without any unplanned pregnancy.
The guy probably trusted too much in the method (there are disagreeing studies with how effective it is) trusted too much in his WIFE that she wouldn't have had sex using just the withdrawal method when she was at her most fertile, and trusted she'd get MAP if needed.
People DO get carried away and forget/misuse contraception when they've had a drink, yes he made a stupid decision, BUT OP KNEW she could get pregnant and should have at least discussed getting MAP when it was still an option.
OP has admitted she knew christmas day there had been ejaculate inside her, and didn't get MAP because she wanted to get pregnant. She disregarded his feelings knowing he didn't want a child, and took it upon herself to make the decision if they actively tried to prevent pregnancy or left it to chance without his input, that is complete disrespect, disloyalty and deceitful. Op has never stated if her dh even knew he ejaculated inside her, he may have thought he withdrew in time.

Sweets101 · 09/01/2017 18:40

Funnily enough my going to uni was unplanned. I spent a lot of the time wondering what I was doing there. Seems to be a theme in my life, I am constantly surprised!

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 09/01/2017 18:40

Hope it's not twins, eh?

SummerHouse · 09/01/2017 18:41

Is the man not equally responsible for discussing, getting the MAP?

Sweets101 · 09/01/2017 18:42

Am I the only person who believes than an individual (yes, even a man!) has the right to control their own genetic material? Have a say in their own finances and family life? Bodily autonomy? This is a horrific way to treat someone you're supposed to love. I am so saddened by this thread. sad

Unless he's failed to understand biology and contraception he has made a choice. He chose not to use a condom or have a vasectomy. There'should a bit of bodily autonomy right there for you.

Strokethefurrywall · 09/01/2017 18:42

I'm sorry but this is utter crap:

He didn't use a condom so he has as much fault as her. More so because he knew she wanted another one so wouldn't be so careful

If a husband and wife can't trust each other to make a decision TOGETHER on the number of kids they want and trust the other person wholly in relation to contraception then they have no business parenting.

We have 2 kids, I wanted another, DH doesn't. We used withdrawal and it worked well for us. I have never been "less careful" about contraception because I wanted another child or felt that it was up to DH to prevent it more than me.

He doesn't want another child, that's fine. Our marriage and our children mean too much to jeopardize with a accidental on purpose pregnancy.