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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
Jux · 09/01/2017 18:43

Congratulations first 🥂

Why didn't he take responsibility for his fertility. He was adamant he wanted no more children so he should have taken firm steps to ensure the he couldn't have more.

Mind you, I know several couples this has happened to, and they have split up due to it. I hope your dh doesn't follow the herd. Good luck.

DaisyQueen · 09/01/2017 18:43

Trillkitten I'm with you. I find the whole thing shocking. She knew that she needed MAP and didnt bother because this way she gets what she wanted.

diddl · 09/01/2017 18:43

Well even if Op had told her husband mistakenly that it was a "safe" time, he still decided to take the risk & leave it up to someone who wants another baby (which he knows).

And of course as already said-if you're happy to rely on withdrawal, you're happy to have a baby.

SummerHouse · 09/01/2017 18:44

...and chose to make no mention of MAP...

MrsBlennerhassett · 09/01/2017 18:45

YANBU as you already pregnant its up to you what to do. Personally i would keep the child if thats what you really want. He may leave you but i imagine that terminating a child you really wanted would feel worse than that.
Hopefully he wont leave you because hel realise that unless he got a vasectomy then really this type of thing may happen and he does need to take some responsibility.

flowery · 09/01/2017 18:46

Presumably if you have previously used withdrawal, your husband was assuming you were checking your periods. You obviously knew there was a risk as you considered (but discounted) getting the MAP. And I guess you didn't make the decision not to get the MAP with him.

Yes he should take responsibility for his own contraception, as should women. But if you've previously used withdrawal, and you said nothing to indicate the risk you clearly knew was there, or tell him you thought you needed the MAP but didn't want to get it, you have been unreasonable.

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 09/01/2017 18:47

"I would bet a lot money that this was an 'accidentally on purpose' pregnancies that women do."

Hmm
mummyof2pr · 09/01/2017 18:47

Seems as if there are lots of judgements here, OP is married not like she's doing this to some random boyfriend. And as she's stated it was an accident. No need to be so nasty.

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 18:48

I'm not sure what I've done that's deceitful? I don't generally track my periods, they tend to be every 28-32ish days and I feel premenstrual just before so no need too. I didn't know when my fertile window was at the time but afterwards I worked out when my last period was,counted forward 14 days and thought we'd probably missed it anyway. I had no discussion or made no suggestion about fertility during or after sex and its not something we usually discuss anyway.
However, I do admit I was OK about risking it and didn't try to find the MAP.

OP posts:
Sweets101 · 09/01/2017 18:49

Tbh OP I wouldn't have bothered trying to locate the MAP on Christmas day either

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2017 18:49

I find the fault to be pretty much equal. HE should have sorted out his own contraception (including keeping it in supply). SHE should not have taken advantage of his laxness and/or 'lack of forethought'.

But it's all water under the bridge now, isn't it?

OP, You need to tell him right away and tell him that you will not, under any circumstance, terminate. To wait until after the legal abortion period will strike him as even more 'deceitful'. Just make sure you're prepared for his reaction. I don't know him, you do. How do you think he'll react? Disappointed acceptance? Blind fury? Somewhere in-between?

Marynary · 09/01/2017 18:50

The DH knew that he was having unprotected sex if OP wasn't on the pill/alternative contraception and he wasn't using condoms so I'm not sure why some poster feel he was "tricked" If he didn't want another child he should have had a vasectomy or used condoms or abstained.

BarbarianMum · 09/01/2017 18:51

I wanted 3 children, dh only wanted 2, so he took charge of contraception. I made it clear that I didn't want to be sterilized and wouldn't take the MAP (Did so years ago and it made me very sick) and certainly wouldn't abort. He didn't want a vasectomy so has always been scrupulous about using condoms.
OP has not been underhand, he's been an idiot.

RacoonBandit · 09/01/2017 18:51

Did DH not discuss the MAP?

If you were not inclined to go for the MAP the following day then that must mean you knew you could be pregnant Hmm

Baylisiana · 09/01/2017 18:52

Your username is quite funny OP, I mean that in a nice way. Surprise surprise! That's how babies are made.

scottishdiem · 09/01/2017 18:53

Am I the only person who believes than an individual (yes, even a man!) has the right to control their own genetic material? Have a say in their own finances and family life? Bodily autonomy? This is a horrific way to treat someone you're supposed to love. I am so saddened by this thread.

Condoms. This is what condoms do. Or other contraception. I would be far more sympathetic if she had missed taking a pill or an implant had not been replaced upon expiry. If the OP was clear in her own head that she knew this outcome was a possibility then she should have discussed it with her DH. But DH had just deposited his genetic material in a place where it tends to be used for something.

NorksAreMessy · 09/01/2017 18:53
Hmm
Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 18:55

Raccoon we had unprotected sex so obviously pregnancy is a risk?

I'm not sure what he was thinking, we haven't really talked about it since. I'm really not sure what his reaction will be.

OP posts:
LostSight · 09/01/2017 18:55

Why is it the responsibility of the OP to take MAP? Her husband was there and knew what happened. If he didn't want a child, he could have spoken to her and taken her to a pharmacist. As he presumably didn't do that, nor use any kind of contraceptive, then unless he is an idiot, he understood the risk and chose to take it.

I hope your discussion goes well OP. Good luck with the pregnancy.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 18:55

He may well be just the support you need.

After they have had big row about not wanting any more DC. I very much doubt it.

MissVictoria · 09/01/2017 18:56

Threads like this make me so glad that i'm not a man. Accidental pregnancies happen. People make silly mistakes about contraception or trust in methods like withdrawal. Throw alcohol in the mix and people aren't as aware in what they're doing, even the most meticulously careful person when sober can forget or get carried away when drunk. When pregnancy happens where one party doesn't want to have the baby, the man ends up either being forced to have a child he doesn't want and whom he has to financially provide for, or have the baby he wants terminated.

MarcelineTheVampire · 09/01/2017 18:56

Wow, some of the responses on here have shocked me....he knowingly had unprotected sex with his wife- she does not have a responsibility to advise him on where she is in her cycle- if he was that adamant that he didn't want another child HE should have been aware of that. Following the 'accident' HE should have gone and sourced the MAP if he wanted her to take it that much...

Men are also responsible for their fertility...I can't believe in this day and age people are still putting the onus on the woman in family planning.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 18:57

However, I do admit I was OK about risking it

Well yes....

MarcelineTheVampire · 09/01/2017 18:58

MissVictoria yes accidents do happen unfortunately and all men are aware of this before they have sex...they have a choice then whether to continue or not.

Soubriquet · 09/01/2017 18:58

He should be taking control of his own fertility yes but she's just as bad by her sneaky methods to make sure she was pregnant by refusing the MAP even though she knows her dh does not want any more children.

Both are in the wrong

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