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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 09/01/2017 18:15

Meh, if he had unprotected sex with you, knowingly, then if he leaves you because you're now pregnant, or expects you to abort it, then he's a fud.

(if this is real)

OnionKnight · 09/01/2017 18:15

I hope your family isn't destroyed by this OP.

harderandharder2breathe · 09/01/2017 18:16

You're both total idiots. Congratulations on bringing a third child into the mess you've created. And yes, it very much sounds like "accidentally on purpose"

birdladyfromhomealone · 09/01/2017 18:18

I could have written your OP 20 years ago!
Once we had sex in the sea in Ibiza a bit carried away! I got pregnant!
DH didnt want three but he was fine, we laugh about it now!
Our DD3 is the icing on the cake.
BUT I know a friend who conned her DH into no 3 and he left her over it.
She is now a single mum of 3 on benefits.
I hope it works out OP

stitchglitched · 09/01/2017 18:18

Oh I agree that this was no 'accident.' An accident is medication interfering with the pill or a condom splitting. This was just two people who didn't care enough about each other's wishes or the wellbeing of their existing kids to be safe.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 09/01/2017 18:18

You can't fix stupid

Stonewash · 09/01/2017 18:19

Oldwestaction · 09/01/2017 18:19

Surely you knew it was your fertile window otherwise you wouldn't have realised that your period was, at the most 2 days late? (Assuming you have regular cycles?)
Having said that if your dh would be 'devastated' by a third child then he shouldn't have been happy to rely on the withdrawal method.
Think you have some difficult conversations with your dh ahead of you so good luck!

OliviaStabler · 09/01/2017 18:20

You can have a third child if you choose to. You just have to realise that if you do, your DH might well become ex-DH.

You clearly want this to happen and don't give a damn if your DH wants another child or not. You are hoping he will accept but he may not. Have plans in place in case of a divorce.

Prompto · 09/01/2017 18:20

The DH knew he was having unprotected sex and he knew the OP wants another child. He should have taken responsibility for himself and either worn a condom or not had sex. He didn't want anther child so he should have taken steps to try and prevent himself from making one.

FWIW, I wanted another child and DH didn't so we agreed to not have any more and that was that. We both knew that in an ideal world I'd have loved to have another but he was 100% sure he didn't want more. I wasn't on the pill because I can't take hormone based contraception and the thought of a copper coil (or any coil) makes me heave so we were using a combination of charting my cycle and condoms (condoms most of the month and then abstaining around what the chart said was my fertile period). It's a method that worked for us with great success for several years previously. One night we got really carried away with a quickie and (no insult to DH) the deed was done before either of us had chance to think it through, our first word to each other after was "shit". Checked the chart and it showed I was nowhere near my fertile window. I told DH I'd get the MAP next morning and just deal with the consequences until the hormones were out of my system (part of an ongoing health condition, hormonal contraception makes it worse). DH said not to bother so I didn't. I could have gone and taken it but I thought we'd be fine, what are the odds, etc. Two weeks later and I'm throwing up, did a test and it was positive. Turns out some medication I'd been taking mucked up my cycle so the chart was off, either that or DH had a few swimmers that lived longer than the average. I thought DH would be angry, I also thought he'd think I'd deceived him because he knew that previously I'd wanted another DC. He was absolutely fine, calmer about it than I was and quick to reassure me that we'd be fine and we'd manage.

Your first step OP is to speak to your DH, see what he says and go from there.

seasidesally · 09/01/2017 18:21

we all know in a perfect world men should take responsibility but they really dont in most cases,so however wrong it is females should make sure contraception is being used for their own sakes if nothing else

its a mega life changing thing concieving and i just dont buy all these accidents that happen

our great/grandmothers would be spinning in their graves at the ease and choice at what we have avalible to us

BlurryFace · 09/01/2017 18:22

We use withdrawal sometimes and I don't track my fertility. Then again, for us it's a matter of when we try to have number 3, not if. If OP's DH doesn't want motte kids, he should have the snip or insist on a condom every single time. I wouldn't feel particularly into traipsing to the chemists at Xmas either, OP. Keep the baby if that's what you want, your DH made his bed.

Loaferloveforyou · 09/01/2017 18:22

I want a baby, my DH doesn't feel it's the right time. We had an accident a few months back so I got MAP. I could have quite easily said 'oopsie DH, we are having a baby' but I couldn't imagine ever bringing a baby into the world without consent of both of us.

Knowing he didn't want a baby, you should have at least discussed whether you should or shouldn't take MAP. And he could take some responsibility for contraception.

Sounds like you are both as bad as each other.

bigbuttons · 09/01/2017 18:22

if your husband didn't want a third why did he have unprotected sex with you? Something doesn't add up here.
Surely he would insist on using contraception?
I think you implied that it wasn't your fertile time.

Sallystyle · 09/01/2017 18:23

God, it took a long time to get a little detail didn't it?

Allthewaves · 09/01/2017 18:23

I'm confused. He knows you use condoms or withdrawal. Ob neither of those happened, did he not wonder that u might get pregnant?

All I can say is good luck. My third nearly broke our marriage with the stress and he was very much planned and wanted by both of us

HalfaFishFingerAndTwoPeas · 09/01/2017 18:23

Pulling out isn't a method of contraception.

Sweets101 · 09/01/2017 18:24

You won't know til you tell him. If he was that concerned about not having another child you might expect him to take greater precaution really.
Until you tell him you won't know whether you need to make a choice between him and the baby. Personally i'd probably choose the baby. Actually I did choose the baby and i'm not an idiot and my family isn't a mess.

SirMixALot · 09/01/2017 18:24

dottydee3 · 09/01/2017 18:24

YANBU it's your body and you're pregnant, your decision end of.

When are you going to tell him?

Baylisiana · 09/01/2017 18:24

This was in no sense an accidental preganancy, on either side. Neither you nor your DH can claim that. Not using contraception is not a contraceptive failure, and having unprotected sex is how babies are made. How can an accident be exactly the same course of action as the one you'd take if trying to conceive? Pull the other one OP.

He probably will be unhelpful and moody, but he chose this and so did you, even knowing his attitude.

Fairenuff · 09/01/2017 18:25

Pregnancy through unprotected sex is not an accident OP.

It is a planned pregnancy.

Because that's how you get pregnant.

Seriously, what is wrong with people. I can't believe grown adults don't know this stuff.

Randonneur · 09/01/2017 18:26

Not sure why you are getting such a tough time op. Your husband was there when you had sex without a condom or adequate withdrawing (both of which are within his control!) so it's not exactly deceitful and if he wanted you to take the morning after pill he could have, you know, suggested it.

NicknameUsed · 09/01/2017 18:27

So why didn't your husband insist on using a condomif he definitely didn't want another child?

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/01/2017 18:27

Why is the OP getting such a hard time?

He knew that there was a chance of her getting PG but chose to ejaculate in her anyway. I have used withdrawal as a method for 11 years with no accidents, and one planned pregnancy. As long as you are careful then natural methods can be very effective.

She didnt get the MAP because she didnt want to, anymore than he apparently didnt want to withdraw. If he didnt want to risk pregnancy then he could have a) used a condom b) withdrawn c) not had sex and d) in the long term sort out a vasectomy on the basis that he knows he doesnt want any more children.

How he reacts to this is unknown but I suspect that even though he was happy to have unprotected sex, he will still blame the OP.

She didnt make this baby on her own, and the implication that she somehow tricked him is unfair on the basis that she didnt force him to do anything. Even if she had been in her "safe" time (which incidentally doesnt exist, just a time when conception is less likely) he still shouldnt have ejaculated inside her if he didnt want a possible pregnancy to occur.

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