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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2017 18:08

I agree, you are both at fault, and he is too, this is the consequence of unprotected sex, this is what they teach in schools fgs, so you both should know it as adults with two children. OP said she was on the pill.

paxillin · 09/01/2017 18:08

Well, he is the one adamant he doesn't want another. Up to him to sort out reliable contraception, up to and including vasectomy. You had unprotected sex, you both know that this can lead to pregnancy, which you'd welcome and he'd hate. I wonder how anti he really is if he can't be arsed to do something about it. He'd like to make the contraceptive decisions, but leave the actual doing it to OP? Sod that.

ollieplimsoles · 09/01/2017 18:09

Op, what did you think people would say on here?

'Congratulations op! You got what you wanted, that'll teach him for trying to have some control over his family life'

If you are real and I seriously hope this is a fucking joke id go tell him asap instead of sitting on here

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 18:09

Doesn't the man who is ejaculating into his wife without protection, who is adamant that he wants no more children, have any responsibility here then?

Depends what the OP has told him.

DaisyQueen · 09/01/2017 18:09

stitch i know that he willing had sex but Op has been very unclear on details, she has not said what their usual form of contraception is or whether he knows that she knew she should haven't taken the morning after pill.
But you are right he is to blame too but from what OP is saying I do feel that she has got her own way without considering him

ilovesooty · 09/01/2017 18:10

Did you discuss the unprotected sex beforehand or afterwards?

Strokethefurrywall · 09/01/2017 18:10

If you're relying on the withdrawal method as contraception then I call bullshit on not knowing when your fertile period is.

Clearly you do as by your own admission, you've used withdrawal before along with condoms.

BadKnee · 09/01/2017 18:10

Okkitokkiunga
And just as women shouldn't be forced into termination a man shouldn't be forced into a vasectomy out of fear of what his wife may do. Contraception should be a mutually agreed thing in a relationship.

I agree but so often it isn't. Men have few options until the male contraceptive is invented. They could just stop having sex, or insist on anal or oral or a hand job , or only have sex alone with porn. But most women would hate that, (I would). So they trust women. I am beginning to think more fool them.

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 18:11

I meant I hadn't been tracking my periods so didn't know fertile dates off the top of my head rather than not knowing what a fertile window is.

OP posts:
broodypsycho · 09/01/2017 18:11

I would bet a lot money that this was an 'accidentally on purpose' pregnancies that women do. Its happened to my brother and ex partner, where they were told by their partners that they were taking the contraception pill.
My ex partner had the balls to leave her after her little plan (he obviously still seen the child and provided for him)
My brother didn't have the balls to leave and stayed with her, and they are just with each other for the sake of my nephew..

...hmm wonder which your DH will choose

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2017 18:11

Oh right, did he know you were not on the pill, he does not sound serious about not having another baby, as he has not taken any responsibility for contraception. Have a blooming vasectomy op dh, if you don't want further kids!

OliviaBenson · 09/01/2017 18:11

So did he withdraw this time so to speak?

It isn't reliable contraception and he should know that, but the ops coyness about all this makes me think that there is far more to it.

YABU. You need to think about all of the implications of whatever decision you make. You have both been very reckless.

AppleAndBlackberry · 09/01/2017 18:11

I think YANBU. I'm in your position, I'd like a 3rd but DH doesn't so we're not planning one. We NEVER have unprotected sex though. If my DH was as relaxed about protection as yours has been then I'd expect him to understand that pregnancy might be a possibility.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/01/2017 18:12

The honest truth is that if the OP had been the one not wanting anymore she would have trotted out to get morning after pill.
Because he was the one who didn't and she did she didn't go and get it.
Granted it's her body her choice but all her children and her hubby will also live with that choice now.... scary what it says about your views on his wishes.

diddl · 09/01/2017 18:12

So if you usually use condoms or withdrawal, why didn't he withdraw this time?

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2017 18:12

Nobody using the withdrawal method for actual contraception would be unsure when their fertile window is.

Presumably the reason your dh had unprotected sex with you was because he thought it was safe.

stitchglitched · 09/01/2017 18:13

Well checking fertile windows etc isn't foolproof. He could have used condoms if he was so adamant about not wanting another. I'm not saying OP has been smart but you don't get to have unprotected sex, take no responsibility for any precautions and then complain about being tricked.

The way some posters are going on you would think OP was flushing her pill or poking holes in the condoms, rather than what actually happened which is both of them risking unprotected sex.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2017 18:13

There are various other methods of contraception he could use: male/female condom, or vasectomy, or double, op is on the pill he uses a condom.

Strokethefurrywall · 09/01/2017 18:13

There's a real sense of stringing along here.... Hmm

Mintychoc1 · 09/01/2017 18:13

OP did you tell him at the time that you thought it would be OK as it wasn't your fertile window? If so, then that was deceitful of you, and YABU.

Either way though, your husband was being stupid and careless, because surely everyone knows the only way to avoid pregnancy is to use proper contraception.

I think you and your DH will reap what you sow, and I hope it works out happily for you without breaking up your family.

Megatherium · 09/01/2017 18:13

If he's been using the withdrawal method he has knowingly been taking the risk of pregnancy anyway, so I don't think he's really in a great position to complain.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2017 18:14

If you're relying on the withdrawal method as contraception then I call bullshit on not knowing when your fertile period is

Well I have to admit to being a bit suspicious that given they have been playing with fire for 7 years and only had two planned kids that there's alot more two this than being unlucky on one occasion.

Especially as a test etc was taken so quickly.

Maybe it's just the way the posts have been worded but...

Anyway you are both idiots and seen to have little regard fir each others feelings

Foxysoxy01 · 09/01/2017 18:14

Good luck with telling him.

You need to be prepared for him to be very upset, blame you and then possibly leave.
Hopefully he will come round.

NotYoda · 09/01/2017 18:14

If he's adamant about not wanting more, he should be in better control of contraception. At the very least, wearing a condom.

ButI think you've been devious.

But what I don't understand is, has he said nothing to you after you had unprotected sex?

NotYoda · 09/01/2017 18:15

Mintychoc
"OP did you tell him at the time that you thought it would be OK as it wasn't your fertile window? If so, then that was deceitful of you, and YABU".

Yes, that's what I'm wondering

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