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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
MissVictoria · 09/01/2017 18:02

You knew there had been an accident, but didn't do anything about it to prevent a possible pregnancy. To your husband that's really going to come across as you didn't try to obtain emergency contraception HOPING you'd get pregnant so you'd get to have that third child YOU want that you knew he was 100% against.
Personally i think it's wrong you ever pressured him into compromising his desire for only one child by having a second. He did it to make you happy, fully believing it was fairer to compromise on two as he only wanted one and you wanted more than 2.
EC was absolutely the route you should have taken, you'd have probably prevented the unplanned (and on his part unwanted) pregnancy and continued with your compromised 2 children.
Now you're risking your marriage, and the security, both familial and financial, of the two children you have and the one on the way.
If i were your husband i'd think the fact you knew there was an accident and did nothing to prevent the possibility of it leading to pregnancy, being fully aware of his stance on further children, as unforgivable. You've forced him into a situation where he is powerless, all of the rights are yours. You will ultimately (assuming the pregnancy progresses and isn't lost) force him to become a father of another child, that you knew from the beginning before you even had dc2 that he didn't want, or you'll terminate for the sake of your marriage and family, then end up resenting and blaming him because you desperately wanted the baby.

One of you at least, is going to get VERY hurt, and that is solely your choice to decide whom.

On the "he should have had a vasectomy" argument, plenty of couples manage to never get pregnant without either being sterilised. They were using contraception, and at least one knew there had been an accident. He couldn't force her to go and get or take EC, he might not even know the condom broke/she missed a pill or whatever "accident" it was even happened. Fact is, op DID know then did nothing to prevent it becoming a possible pregnancy.

Trainspotting1984 · 09/01/2017 18:02

Or, he could be more like some
Men I know stroke stay with her but make her and the children miserable with his simmering resentment, refusal to take part in family life or do any childcare because he "didn't want them anyway"

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 09/01/2017 18:02

What was his response both before and after to the unprotected sex? Did he question at all how you were both planning to protect against pregnancy?

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2017 18:03

Why the hell are people blaming op, it takes two to tango. Why is it always the woman who is responsible for contraception! If babysurprise dh would be devastated at the thought of another baby, and he wanted sex, than he could have had the snip, or put a lid on it, and insisted two forms of contraception are used!

RacoonBandit · 09/01/2017 18:03

So I guess it won't be a total surprise to him. Honestly I didn't feel inclined to get the MAP, especially as I wasn't the one who didn't want another baby.

So condoms are your choice of contraception then? If so then he has to take responsibility for not wearing one.

I really hope your relationship can survive this.
For some reason this whole thing feels dishonest somehow. No idea why Confused

Original poster
Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 18:03

I name changed for this thread as I don't want to be recognised.

I didn't know it was my fertile window at the time, though I worked it out afterwards. I thought actually the timing was a bit out so pregnancy was unlikely.

Usually we use condoms, sometimes withdrawal, and it has worked fine for us for 10 years with two planned pregnancies.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/01/2017 18:03

Did he think you were on any other contraception?

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2017 18:04

I think you need to tell him asap!

Crowdblundering · 09/01/2017 18:04

ELLA 1 can be used up to five days afterwards and there are always clinics and chemists open around Christmas for just this type of thing!

I feel a bit sorry for your OH - I hope he takes the news ok Confused

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/01/2017 18:05

The fact that you can plan pregnancies yet not know where your fertile window is hardly rings true.

stitchglitched · 09/01/2017 18:05

'No man or woman should be tricked into having a child against their wishes.'

How was the husband tricked if he knowingly ejaculated into the OP without a condom and knowing she wasn't on the pill? Both parties have been foolish but I don't see how it is all down to the OP.

Crowdblundering · 09/01/2017 18:05

Why anyone who doesn't want any more kids would not use a more reliable long term method of contraception than "withdrawal" or condoms beggers belief ... Hmm

NotYoda · 09/01/2017 18:06

So you had unprotected sex, aware that it was unprotected. What conversation did you have after that happened, ?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 18:06

I didn't know it was my fertile window at the time

Not sure he or posters will believe that tbh.

PickledCauliflower · 09/01/2017 18:06

Withdrawal is not an effective method of contraception. My parents had four children using that method!

As for timing fertile days. Very hit and miss - I wouldn't rely on it.

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2017 18:07

I didn't know it was my fertile window at the time

Hmm
seasidesally · 09/01/2017 18:07

what contraception have you bee using,obviously you didnt this time

Strokethefurrywall · 09/01/2017 18:07

Given the OP's reluctance to divulge any information about their contraceptive plans Trifleorbust, I'm guessing she isn't one for contraceptive measures responsibly with her husband either.

When DH and I conceived our children, there was little conversation to be had beyond the "lets not use any protection" - if they're using the pull out method, as we did, I made bloody sure we didn't have sex around my fertile period. And knowing he doesn't want any more children than our current two (and despite me thinking I'd love a 3rd), I would never behave in such a devious manner to "accidentally" fall pregnant.

Going on what the OP says, she's engineered the situation to get exactly what she wants.

HecateAntaia · 09/01/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anyhoooo · 09/01/2017 18:07

Well for whatever reason this time you didn't use a condom and he didn't withdraw, so here you are.
You need to tell him asap.

NotYoda · 09/01/2017 18:07

Tomorrow

Yes

PurpleMinionMummy · 09/01/2017 18:08

Well if he didn't want another he should have used contraception. Although I'm still shocked anyone thinks the withdrawal method is contraception in this day and age.

stitchglitched · 09/01/2017 18:08

'Not sure he will believe that tbh'.

Doesn't the man who is ejaculating into his wife without protection, who is adamant that he wants no more children, have any responsibility here then?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 18:08

How was the husband tricked if he knowingly ejaculated into the OP without a condom and knowing she wasn't on the pill?

Maybe because of the 'I didn't know I was in my fertile window' line.

seasidesally · 09/01/2017 18:08

sorry x post