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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:

knust · 10/01/2017 11:17

I don't see how it is so hard to believe. I am in a very similar situation.

My OH really doesn't want any more children. He usually withdraws, for some reason one time, he didn't.
It was totally out of character for my OH to take such a risk, but it happened, and then he never said another word about it. Maybe he thought about it, worried about it, but most likely I think he just put it out of his mind/forgot about it/burried his head in the sand and hoped for the best, and I think it's most likely the OP's OH did one of the above.

All the posts bashing her for being 'deceitful' are very unfair. Unless she told him she was not in her fertile window when she knew she was, or lied about being on the pill, neither of which she has, then it is not her fault. Why should she be expected to take the MAP because her OH didn't withdraw or use a condom? Yes it could save her OH from the 3rd child he doesn't want and maybe it would be the selfless, considerate thing to do, but personally I did not take it as although I knew it might be the sensible thing to do, it would be going against everything my heart was screaming at me, plus the thought of all the potential side effects was enough to scare me away from it.

Marynary · 10/01/2017 11:17

But he's morally entitled to leave the OP, should he choose to do so. I don't see how anyone could judge him for it.

So you think a man is "morally entitled" to leave his wife because she is pregnant and doesn't want an abortion even though she conceived because he didn't bother to use contraception. Wft?!!! I have heard it all now.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 11:19

She has said she never told him she was tracking her period OR doing anything else at all to prevent or minimise the risk of pregnancy.

Both methods they use are solely within his control not hers.

Someone who never claimed to be tracking anything or taking any steps to prevent pregnancy wouldn't be being dishonest or doing anything at all against the other.

He knowingly ejaculated into the vagina of the woman who he knows is not using contraception, has never claimed to be tracking anything and knows is unlikely to find using the MAP desirable and somehow this is her bad behaviour

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:19

Mary People can leave marriages for whatever reasons they wish to. Or would you rather people stayed in loveless relationships all of their lives.

MissStein · 10/01/2017 11:19

i would judge him and harshly. As a self entitled prick who felt he had the right to have unprotected sex with this wife then blame her for falling pregnant. For fucking off and deserting your family, which by this point would include 3 children all because he couldnt hold off ejactulating long enough to pull out. Oh yeah, i would judge.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissStein · 10/01/2017 11:22

Piglet, nobodys saying he couldnt leave his wife. But he wouldnt hold the moral high ground and id be most people would judge him a cunt for doing so.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:24

For fucking off and deserting your family

Sorry but when did ending your marriage mean deserting your family.

As I have said, there are deeper issues in this marriage imo than the pregnancy. The OP has talked about rows about amother DC and being 'willing to risk it'.

No one should stay together for 'the sake of the DC'. It doesn't end well.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 11:24

Yep Need some men have unprotected sex
But a man that only wanted one child and had another as a compromise ( whatever that means ) and in the OP's words will be devastated about her being pregnant, wouldn't have done so so carelesslyif he had any sense of decency, responsibility or was acting like a grown up,like men who don't just want to have sex and not be bothered about possible repercussions do.

There changed that for you to make far more sense

Given how many pages this thread has got to and the amount of Mysoginist comments and people who think it's the women's responsibility to take change of contraception, why is it so hard to believe that this man also does.

MissStein · 10/01/2017 11:26

Personally, i think he'll come around eventually. I am going to give the husband the benefit of the doubt and think that he is not totally stupid and realises that having unprotected sex can result in pregnancy. That also deep down he loves his wife and his children and will stay and act like the normal and decent father/husband that one would hope for.

Whats shocking on this thread is the accusations of deceit/trickery/selfishness on part of the op whilst justifying the theoretical abandoning of his family by the husband.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marynary · 10/01/2017 11:29

Mary People can leave marriages for whatever reasons they wish to. Or would you rather people stayed in loveless relationships all of their lives.

Of course they can leave for whatever reason they want and certainly a "loveless relationship" would be a could reason. It was your assertion that he would be "morally entitled" to leave because she is pregnant despite the fact he knowingly had unprotected sex that is outrageous.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:29

Personally, i think he'll come around eventually

I hope you are right, but tbh if they were having rows about it before, already had compromised on 2 as he only wanted 1, then it may take a very very long time.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:30

It was your assertion that he would be "morally entitled" to leave because she is pregnant despite the fact he knowingly had unprotected sex that is outrageous.

Apart from the fact it wasn't me that said that.

timeisnotaline · 10/01/2017 11:31

This is a bizarre thread. Surely the conversation goes: w: I'm pregnant. H: I didn't want another child and you know that. W: what did you do to make sure we didn't have another child? H: oh yeah. Jackshit. Guess that's what happens then! time to be an adult about it, take some responsibility for my own actions and care for this baby.

Yes she could have done some extra things additional to their usual methods to prevent it, but so what? And the one time I've taken a
MAP I had no idea what time of cycle it was , because that's the sensible thing to do. I was terrified
Of the side effects though! Condoms - no side effects. Don't want any more children? Get the snip.

Marynary · 10/01/2017 11:32

Whats shocking on this thread is the accusations of deceit/trickery/selfishness on part of the op whilst justifying the theoretical abandoning of his family by the husband.

I think it says more about the posters, their understanding of the facts of life, and their relationships (or lack of) than anything else though.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/01/2017 11:35

The OP has explicitly stated they don't track fertility as a method, that their agreed methods of contraception were condoms and withdrawal. Both totally under DH control as is his consumption of alcohol and everything else. He is an adult.

Why do people find this so hard to understand?

I'm struggling to understand why a DH so dead set against more children even uses withdrawal as a method. If he doesn't want to get the snip he can put a bloody condom on. Or at least have a discussion the next day. And yet somehow its all the woman's fault again.

Marynary · 10/01/2017 11:37

Apart from the fact it wasn't me that said that.

Then why did you explain to me that people can leave marriages for whatever reason they went? Nowhere have I suggest otherwise. I was commenting on a poster's assertion that a man is "morally entitled" to leave his wife because she is pregnant and doesn't want an abortion even though she conceived because he didn't bother to use contraception

Couldashouldawoulda · 10/01/2017 11:38

This took two to tango. The DH is just as a responsible as the OP here, IMHO. They both knew that no reliable method of contraception had been used, so no one should be surprised about this pregnancy.

Niloufes · 10/01/2017 11:46

You'll have to go through with it now in my view. But it does make me wonder re contraception.

alltouchedout · 10/01/2017 12:09

Honest to god if anyone ever again asks me just why we still need feminism in the UK I will show them this horrible, horrible thread.

He didn't want another baby.
He wanted to have sex.
He took no steps to prevent conception.
But somehow OP is a bad, bad woman who has tricked her poor dh? Bloody hell people.

DS3 was an unplanned baby. Ds2 was 5, dh was adamant we were not having any more, I wasn't planning any more but did not feel the same certainty he did. We conceived despite contraception. Dh said he's prefer me to terminate. I said I'd prefer not to. We have, and love, ds3. There was much soul searching and discussion and angst when we learned of ds3's existence but what there was none of was the spiteful woman blaming of the kind evident throughout this thread. Both of us had sex. Both of us were responsible. Being the one with a vagina does not make everything one's fault.

minipie · 10/01/2017 12:19

As regards DH the method of contraception is all important here.

If I were your DH and you'd told me you were on the pill but hadn't been taking it properly I'd be very very angry with you. I might not leave as wouldn't do that to my DC but not sure I could ever forgive you.

If I were your DH and we'd been relying on condoms/withdrawal method then I'd have to accept that this was a risk I'd taken and get on with it.
Doesn't mean I'd be happy but I couldn't legitimately be angry with you, I'd more feel like an idiot myself.

Sounds like you're in the second position so hopefully your DH won't be a dick about it.

However as regards whether you keep the baby - that's not really about your DH's reaction is it. That decision IMO is about weighing up whether it's the best thing for the family (all members of it). Are you in a position to have 3 DC- do you have the time, money, energy? Do you want to have a DC you know your DH didn't want and what will it do to your relationship? How do you feel about termination and what effect would it have on you? Etc.

Gileswithachainsaw · 10/01/2017 12:23

Being the one with a vagina does not make everything one's fault

I certainly don't recall saying that. And I think they are both idiots.

Being old enough and mature enough to have sex means that something as big as a baby should not be down to a "if he doesn't care why should i" response.

It's a baby.

Both had the power to do more to prevent it. Neither did.

It's the ops attitude and the way she has posted that makes people wonder
If there more to it than is being said.

MissStein · 10/01/2017 12:25

do you think feminism would ever eradicate some of the points of view on this thread? Makes me think we need more sex education in school, both the physical aspect and moral aspect. Surely boys in particular are taught in school that ejaculating into a woman, hands over control of their fertility to the woman, and there is nothing they can do after the deed to prevent pregnancy? Isnt this basic biology?

PickledCauliflower · 10/01/2017 12:25

Can I just say that withdrawal is not an effective method of contraception.
I'm shocked that people still even refer to it as contraception. I know so many people who got caught out with this years ago! I thought folk were more enlightened these days.
Seminal fluid is often released before ejaculation folks.

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