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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:

Blueflowers2011 · 10/01/2017 09:59

i resent my husband for not wanting a 3rd baby. it's never going to go away and there are days when i really dont want him near me. been trying to talk him into it for almost 4 years, I had a miscarriage last year and he has no interest to do it again. I am now 43 and know its too late. It devastates me.

your oh will probably not be very happy initially but maybe once the baby is here it may change. it does take 2. sorry you feel like this on what should be a very happy moment for you all.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 10/01/2017 10:05

prompto

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope the op's dh reacts the same as yours.

JC23 · 10/01/2017 10:05

They're both going to have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

But from what she's said she hasn't been deceitful at all.

Dulra · 10/01/2017 10:06

I am staggered at the responses of some people on here. Married couple consensually have unprotected sex it ends in pregnancy surprise surprise. Op knows her dh is against having a 3rd child well then he should have been more careful so now he can man up and accept it. You are pregnant he needs to get over that if he was that adamant he would not have had unprotected sex. Fine he might be initially disappointed/ worried about the third child but if he is a loving supportive husband and father he will get on with it and support you through this pregnancy. If he resents the child or walks away as others have suggested he may do is that someone you would really want to be with anyway?

Not sure what kind of relationships people have with their husbands on here but if I had to break the news to my husband in these circumstances I think the last thing he would think of or even say is that I "tricked" him into having unprotected sex so I could get pregnant. He would accept that we were both irresponsible and now have to get on with it and deal with the consequences of that together

thatsnotmyusername · 10/01/2017 10:06

Hope you are okay OP and your husband takes the news well.

specialsubject · 10/01/2017 10:09

I assume that the average.age on mn is not 15. I am therefore horrified at the ignorance here. Do people also think that you can't get pregnant standing up?

SoulLove · 10/01/2017 10:10

Some of the comments on here are unbelievable. If the husband doesn't want to get his wife pregnant he wears a condom or gets a vasectomy. Pretty bloody simple.

I hope you're ok OP

WowAndOhh · 10/01/2017 10:12

There is disagreement on this thread about whether the OP has behaved stupidly or selfishly or whatever but I don't THINK a SINGLE poster has said that the OPs DH is not at fault too.

SilentBatperson · 10/01/2017 10:17

There are quite a lot of posts berating OP but saying not a damn thing about DHs responsibility, though. Several of which have also included things they've assumed or entirely invented. If posters only say OP is at fault and don't say they think DH is too, I don't see that we can assume it. OP has certainly had a much greater pasting out of the two of them, which is worrying when they were both silly and irresponsible. And as far as I can see, nobody has made up anything about DH and his actions or motivations, whereas people have for OP.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 10/01/2017 10:28

I think the same Navy

I just think there's more to this story.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 10/01/2017 10:36

The OP said that they have had several heated discussions in the past about the fact that she wants a third child, and he doesn't.
You would think that part of these heated discussions would involve comments along the lines of "if you don't want a baby, it's up to you to ensure we don't have one" or "if I get pregnant, i'm not having an abortion"

The DH can't really pretend he didn't know the score.

I wonder when the OP is going to tell him.
In about 5 months time?

MissStein · 10/01/2017 10:49

Breakfast, op said she tested on the 8th. So she has only known for two days. Perhaps, given her husband's attitude, she needs to get her own head and feelings clear on the issue before addressing her husband. Or it could be for a myriad of other reasons. There is no law that states you have to tell your husband you are pregnant the very instant you find out.

ChocolateWombat · 10/01/2017 10:52

This thread just makes me sad, because the relationship between the OP and DH isn't a great one on a number of levels.
Firstly there is a baby on the way where both parents don't really want a third child.
Secondly because the OP has thougt it acceptable to 'have an accident' and then not get the MAP, whilst knowing DH doesn't want a 3rd child. The MAP didn't fit with what she wanted and she had no concern at all for what DH wanted. So yes, he chose to have unprotected sex, but I assume he wasn't seeing this as consent to a child.
Finally, that a couple of weeks have passed and the OP still hasn't spoken to DH.

I sad because this isn't a relationship which is open and honest and it's not a good basis for another baby. I agree that now OP is pregnant, it must be her choice what happens next, but I think she was wrong to let herself become pregnant under these circumstances.

TBH, I do have some doubts about this thread. A number of things don't quite add up for me.....like after the unprotected sex, didn't DH speak to OP about it and what they should do about what had happened - ie didn't he ask her to/if she would be gating MAP? Had he not queried if she was pregnant? Was there no discussion afterwards about if she was pregnant about if he could cope with it/not?......the total silence between the 2 after an event which could clearly lead to pregnancy makes me wonder if all of this really happened. Bearing in mind OP says they had discussed it before, it seems obvious to discuss it again, once sex had occurred and pregnancy a definite possibility. So why not?

ChocolateWombat · 10/01/2017 10:59

If I were DH, yes I would have to accept that I had caused the pregnancy. However at the same time, I think i would be justified in feeling that I had been the victim of deceit. And to feel you have been deceived by the person you are married to and over something as fundamental as having a baby, especially when there had been prior discussion about it and my wishes made very clear, would not sit easily. It would make me question a number of things about the relationship and the person I was with. This wouldn't mean not taking responsibility and accepting I had caused the pregnancy, but about the trust and respect in the relationship and what the future is. DH might be able to get beyond these deceitful actions (and someone who has opted not to get the MAP knowing DH doesn't want a 3rd child has been deceitful) and there be a happy future.....or he might see it as evidence of the break down of their relationship. I don't know these 2 or what other issues might exist in their relationship, but OP certainly doesn't seem to be showing much respect and care for DH.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 11:01

Shock horror.

Man has unprotected sex then puts it out of his mind.

Noooooooo that would never happen the op must be lying.

Marynary · 10/01/2017 11:05

So yes, he chose to have unprotected sex, but I assume he wasn't seeing this as consent to a child.

If he didn't see unprotected sex with his wife, particularly on Christmas eve, as "consent to a child" then more fool him! A mature married man with a family should know about the birds and the bees by now.
I think some posters assertion that she should have been sourcing the MAP on Christmas day (which can cause vomiting and probably wouldn't have been effective anyway) or have an IUD fitted because he didn't fancy using a condom or withdrawing unbelievably outrageous.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 11:07

and someone who has opted not to get the MAP knowing DH doesn't want a 3rd child has been deceitful

It's only deceitful if she told him she would and didn't

but OP certainly doesn't seem to be showing much respect and care for DH

How much care did he show when he put his penis in her vagina without a condom on it.

Or are we back to the "I don't want to use a condom so I'm going to make you take the blame for any pregnancy that occurs" stance

SilentBatperson · 10/01/2017 11:08

Based on what OP has said, you as DH wouldn't be even remotely justified in thinking you'd been the victim of deceit. There is literally nothing in any of her posts that even comes close to suggesting it. She's never used hormonal contraception, they don't discuss whether she's fertile usually, neither raised the issue of MAP, and the two methods of contraception they usually use are within his control.

The only way you can get anything like deceit out of this is to fill in the gaps with guesses of your own. And while I agree that this sounds so utterly ridiculous that you hope OP isn't giving us the full story, be very clear that anything suggesting deceit on her part is only there because people have inferred it.

Marynary · 10/01/2017 11:08

Man has unprotected sex then puts it out of his mind.

Yes, it's exactly the kind of thing my DH would have done even though he said he didn't want a third child. I am certain though that if I had got pregnant he wouldn't have been a total twat about it and would have accepted that he was as much to blame as me.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:09

Man has unprotected sex then puts it out of his mind.

Noooooooo that would never happen the op must be lying

Woman wants to get pregnant so 'conveniently' doesn't track her period...

Noooooooo that would never happen

I agree with pp. This relationship isn't good. They have a big row about a third DC having already compromised on a second.

Have unprotected sex.

OP is pregnant yet still hasn't told her DH.

I actually think the pregnancy issue is probably covering up other fundamental problems.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marynary · 10/01/2017 11:12

Woman wants to get pregnant so 'conveniently' doesn't track her period...

Nobody with half a brain "tracks" their period for contraception. Tracking fertility requires much more effort than this and even then it is not for couples who are certain they don't want a child.

MephistophelesApprentice · 10/01/2017 11:13

Of course the guy is legally obligated to deal with the consequences of his actions. No getting out of paying for the accident.

But he's morally entitled to leave the OP, should he choose to do so. I don't see how anyone could judge him for it.

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