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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
Prompto · 10/01/2017 09:42

I'm still not understanding why she hasn't even told her husband?

I'm pregnant with an unplanned baby, similar situation the the OP - I wanted more, DH didn't, we got carried away and had unprotected sex, I didn't want to take MAP (for the same reason I don't take the pill, the hormones cause health issues for me), two weeks later positive test.

I didn't tell DH for three days because I needed to wrap my head around it first.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 09:42

DH in this scenario was silly not to tall to his wife about the MAP.

We don't know that he didn't as we don't, like many threads, know his 'side' of this at all.

It is a huge mess.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColourfulOrangex · 10/01/2017 09:43

OP have you spoken to your husband yet?

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 10/01/2017 09:43

If your husband didn't want more children then he should have had a vasectomy or worn a condom, YANBU to have a baby you both made. You have two children already so clearly know how the biology works!

Your dh should be annoyed with himself and not you and not the baby.

MissStein · 10/01/2017 09:44

I think the reverse of this thread would have garnered absolutely different responses. Can you imagine if a man posted AIBU to think my dp is deceitful because we had unprotected sex and whilst we agreed the withdrawal method, I ejaculated inside her. But she didnt talk to me about MAP the morning after (although i dont believe she'd be inclined to take it) and now she is pregnant when she knew fine well i didnt want children although i knew she did. He'd be bloody flamed alive, and rightly so.

FetchezLaVache · 10/01/2017 09:44

Excellent post, Kittens. I hope you get your babies with your DP soon. Flowers

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 09:44

He was silly to ejaculate inside her
He was silly to assume she would want to take a medication
He was silly to not actually take responsibility for his own sperm

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happymumof4crazykids · 10/01/2017 09:45

Omg shocked at how many people on here keep blaming the op! It's a duel responsibility for contraception and she did nothing to deceive her husband. If he didn't want anymore children he should have made sure that couldn't happen!

MissStein · 10/01/2017 09:46

Do most people, unless actively trying for a child, even track their fertility periods? Heck i cant even keep track of my periods, let alone when i might be fertile going by last pregnancy, never.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2017 09:46

SIlent same here. I have taken it twice in my life (sick as a dog both times, never again) and both times it was "Oh bollocks the condom broke, need to get the MAP". Where I was in my cycle didnt enter my head!

I would also like to remind the OP blamers that taking the MAP is no guarantee that a pregnancy wouldnt happen. It doesnt always work, DS is proof of that, so even if she had gone out first thing on Xmas morning and got it, she could still be looking at a BFP.

PurpleMinionMummy · 10/01/2017 09:46

Charliedimmock, Why would you need to be tracking to know you might need the MAP? Do people who have unprotected sex only use it at certain points in their cycle? If so it's ironic they're on here lecturing OP when they don't realise tjehmselves that unprotected sex at ANY point in your cycle leaves a risk of falling pregnant.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 09:50

He does have a part in this obviously. It doesn't mean he will be happy with another baby or even stick around though

Would you teach your son that it was acceptable to have unprotected sex then not be an involved commited parent if a child occured?

QuizteamBleakley · 10/01/2017 09:50

Well put to Kittens and Cakegoblin .

Come back OP - have you broken the news yet?

Prompto · 10/01/2017 09:51

What has your H said now Pronto?

It was many months ago now. He wasn't at all fazed. I was the panicked one, he was calm, said we'd be fine and wouldn't it be lovely if it was another boy for xxxx reasons or another girl for xxxx reasons.

I asked if he felt tricked into it, I didn't plan to fall pregnant but I could understand how he might think that way seeing as I wanted one and he didn't. He did not feel tricked, in his own words "we weren't using anything and I forgot to pull out, I knew the chances".

user1478860582 · 10/01/2017 09:51

Its amazing how many people are reading things into this thread that just aren't there to support their own view point. People have become so entrenched they can't see that both parties are at fault.

They should of taken precautions together. They should of discussed fully whether or not to have further kids. Quite simply this situation shouldn't have arisen in this day and age. They have both been equally idiotic and immature.

There are only two things for them to discuss now. Whether they keep the child or not and whether they stay together or not as quite simply a marriage/partnership has to have trust - which is something that seems to have been very lacking.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DodoRevival · 10/01/2017 09:53

I can't understand how you could not know you were at your fertile stage when you had sex so you don't ask DH to withdraw but by the next day you know you need the map because you took a risk.
Just sounds like you wanted it to happen so engineered it a bit op.

Probably because there was more thinking time the next day. As a rule of thumb I don't think many women whip out a calendar just before sex. The next day you could, then think 'ooh hang on' and do the sums then realise.

If you're not expecting her to do that calculation before sex (or indeed be constantly aware of her fertility window which are vague unless you are testing for it)) then are you suggesting she knew she was fertile and some how engineered it that he wouldn't wear a condom or withdraw (interested to know how that's done - man who'd be deversated about another child convinced unprotected sex couldn't possibly result in pregnancy).

A lot of posters seem to believe that a women must hold fast to a man's wants and desires and hold them in higher esteem than the woman's not matter what his actions or behavior. If he does wrong she must rectify the outcome he didn't want yet he created, even if that outcome is something he knows she wants.

His behavior in having unprotected sex with a fertility woman and then not bothering to think about it after are not the actions of a man who doesn't want children.

I see a lot of posters seem to believe his actions are due to a deceitful woman rather than a man who believes actions of a man who hold no responsible in his actions.

JigglyTuff · 10/01/2017 09:54

I'm sure the OP's husband is aware that if he had unprotected sex, it could lead to pregnancy and so he could have got the MAP. But he didn't.

This thread is full of misogynist crap. Women really don't need men to put us in our place when we police other women's behaviour so comprehensively. Christ.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 09:54

I use a method of contraception called persona it's a machine with testing strips that you use to work out days when you are likely to become pregnant and days when you are not.i do not have sex on days when it tells me it's likely.

Ive used this method on and off since it was invented.something like around 18 years.

The only unplanned pregnancys I have ever had are when I have been using a hormonal method instead.

SilentBatperson · 10/01/2017 09:55

Yes, I think one thing we've established in this thread clearly is that MAP doesn't necessarily work if you're ovulating. Which OP seems to have been. At best, some brands might prevent a fertilised ovum from implanting, but it isn't the primary way in which MAP works and can't be relied upon.

It might have needed to be an emergency IUD to make a difference, and I must say I think that would be tricky to arrange over Christmas. MAP yes, if you drive past enough chemists one of them would've been open eventually and worst case scenario, some A and Es have it. If you have access to transport you'll get it on Christmas Day if you have to. But an emergency IUD, family planning clinics aren't generally open and would there necessarily even be a doctor in A and E trained to fit them?

PeppaIsMyHero · 10/01/2017 09:56

OP, your question was "would I be unreasonable to have this baby anyway?"

I think this is only something that you and he can decide together. You didn't conceal anything from him. He didn't (I think) talk to you the next day about options to prevent pregnancy after the event. The only issue here is that you want different things. This is often the case in a relationship and can only be resolved by talking through the facts and how you both feel, then reaching a conclusion together, if you want to remain together.

I imagine this feels like a really horrible - yet weirdly joyful - time for you. I also imagine that your anxiety will only increase the longer you leave it, which wouldn't be good for the baby. The only advice I would give is that when you do talk to him, don't be apologetic about being pregnant. As PPs have said, he's a grown man who must share the responsibility and you have nothing to be ashamed about. You don't need to be defensive - perhaps try to stick to the facts - but I do think you need to share this with him sooner rather than later.

Best of luck. x

JC23 · 10/01/2017 09:58

What an awful thread.

I just can't understand the vitriol and insistence that OP has been deceitful.

How has she been deceitful?

Her husband knew he had unprotected sex with her.
He knew that's how babies are made.
He knew she didn't take the MAP.
He knew pregnancy could result.

A normal response from someone who didn't want a baby would be to use contraception or get it sorted out the next day but he did neither of those things.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 09:58

It sounds like the op is fully willing to take responsibility for any conceived child.
That's what one normally assumes when it's a desired pregnancy.

He knew she was taking no steps to prevent pregnancy he also knew she wanted to become pregnant yet he still ejaculated inside her.