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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 10/01/2017 09:04

Not feeling inclined to seek and take the MAP is a perfectly valid reason to not do so.

Absolutely. but I think a discussion should have been had at that point. And by "discussion" I mean the OP saying she was not prepared to take it.

SoupDragon · 10/01/2017 09:05

I think the complete lack of any kind of communication in this whole scenario very sad and doesn't really bode well for the state of the marriage IMO.

Lweji · 10/01/2017 09:06

But her OH should have initiated that discussion. It's him who doesn't want babies!

Sierra259 · 10/01/2017 09:06

I agree Lweji. I don't believe the OP deliberately deceived him, and he was a fool for not using a condom or even agreeing to the withdrawal method if he didn't really want kids. I just feel it's wrong not to discuss something so momumentally huge with your partner because you know you potentially won't like what they say.

Hopefully other posters are correct in that actually if he's not that bothered about taking proper precautions, he's not as opposed to more kids as the OP thought.

Orangetoffee · 10/01/2017 09:08

FrazzleRock your dp sounds very cruel leaving you in limbo like that, he should commit properly either way, not playing russian roulette with the withdrawal method.

OP and her dh don't sound like they have much respect for eachother.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2017 09:15

why on earth does everyone keep saying that withdrawal is a method of contraception?!?!?!?!

Because done properly it can be very effective! As I posted above, 11 years with no accidents here and I got pg immediately when we decided to try. By "done properly" I mean no "oh dear I accidentally ejaculated inside you, fingers crossed it'll be ok" type incidents! My friend also uses natural methods and she has been pg twice in 13 years, both planned, and no accidents.

For me this whole scenario boils down to the fact that the person, man or woman, who doesnt want any more children must make sure it doesnt happen. Its not at all reasonable for them to say "I dont want anymore kids so YOU had better make sure a pg doesnt happen", especially when they are not even taking the most basic step of not having unprotected sex!

stumpedifiknow · 10/01/2017 09:17

I don't understand why he didn't withdraw if he knew she didn't track and they weren't using protection? Unless of course he was led to believe it was not her fertile time...but then the OP said she didn't track it so she wouldn't have known. So if she doesn't track it then he should withdraw every time but then why bother with condoms some times and not others so that suggests she does actually track it and knew when her fertile time was and led him to believe it was safe so he ejaculated in her thinking it was ok.
I also wonder why he hasn't had a vasectomy if he really didn't want anymore children but then I figured perhaps he is scared of the procedure or is keeping options open for the future because it's not just a woman's choice it's also a mans regarding his fertility.
Either way what's done is done and I hope that the OP & her dh see eye to eye over this and all turns out well.

Sweetheartyparty76 · 10/01/2017 09:19

He is a father of 2, surely he knows how babies are made. He knows of the risks associated with unprotected sex. If my DH wanted kids but I didn't then I sort my contraception out myself and certainly not rely on him pulling out in time.
Her DH has the means to prevent the pregnancy too but chose not to use condoms or get a vasectomy. Considering that he has decided against a 3rd baby, he has been very passive about it.
He is just as responsible for this baby as the OP is. Good luck and congratulations x

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 10/01/2017 09:19

Yeah we've been using withdrawal for years with no mishaps at all. Pregnant after first month of trying both times. It does work if you do it properly.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2017 09:19

And if he did kick off asking why she didnt take the MAP when she knew he didnt want more kids I would want to know why he decided to not withdraw when he knew he didnt want more kids, thus creating the situation in the first place.

The simple fact is that this whole thing started with a decision he made, anything that comes after that is reactive. To blame the OP for his poor decision making or lack of self control is disgusting.

SoupDragon · 10/01/2017 09:20

But her OH should have initiated that discussion. It's him who doesn't want babies!

I disagree. Marriage is a partnership. The conversation should have been had when the need for the MAP became apparent, even if that conversation was "you realise I could have become pregnant...? I am not prepared to take the MAP." Open, honest and up front. It is the lack of this that makes it look like it wasn't a total accident, especially through the eyes of the DH I imagine.

NB I do not disagree at all that the DH should have taken steps to prevent pregnancy if he did not want any more children. He now has to take the consequences.

SoupDragon · 10/01/2017 09:21

It's a difficult situation and I do hope it all works out for the OP.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2017 09:22

This thread reminds me of the old attitude of "She got herself into trouble". Oh did she? On her own? For centuries women have been blamed for unwanted pregnancies, as if they managed to conceive without anyone else involved. No wonder Mary blamed the Holy Spirit!

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step · 10/01/2017 09:27

Blimey! There are some very strong opinions on this thread.

FWIW, I agree with the "it takes two to tango" group. You had sex and neither of you used contraception. You chose not to take the MAP. He chose not to wear a condom. You are equally responsible for this pregnancy.

Have you told him?

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 10/01/2017 09:28

I can't understand how you could not know you were at your fertile stage when you had sex so you don't ask DH to withdraw but by the next day you know you need the map because you took a risk.
Just sounds like you wanted it to happen so engineered it a bit op.

TenaciousOne · 10/01/2017 09:29

I fail to see why people are suggesting she should take the MAP but not that the DH should wear a condom. As far as I'm aware there are no side effects from wearing a condom but there are a shit load of side effects from taking the MAP.

darknessontheedgeoftown · 10/01/2017 09:29

I find devastated quite a strong word, normally associated with the end not beginning of a life. You have to make your own decision. He has effectively no power in this and you have all the power as the owner of the body which will or will not birth the child.

TenaciousOne · 10/01/2017 09:31

CharlieDimmock She may have wanted it to happen but that doesn't negate the DH's responsibility, he knew she wasn't on any contraceptive so should have taken more care. It's not only the OP's responsibility.

SilentBatperson · 10/01/2017 09:32

This thread is all a bit "men can willingly place sperm in a womans vagina but if that sperm does what's it's meant to then OMG women are decietful sperm stealing tricksters"

Yet another way for men to abdicate responsibility for their actions.

Very much so.

And I think a useful test here, is whether any of the people clutching pearls, making accusations and inventing things in order to better berate the OP, would advise a male friend or family member in DHs position to behave as he has done. I'd be willing to bet that not a single one of them would say it's a good idea to have unprotected sex on the most difficult day of the year to get MAP, abandoning your usual contraception yourself, knowing you're fertile, with a woman you know is fertile, who wants a baby, who's never used hormonal contraception, who doesn't usually track her cycle or discuss it with you, and then not even raise the subject of MAP afterwards. I mean seriously, if your son said he'd done or was going to do this, you'd all hit the roof!

Also, to the poster who asked, withdrawal is a method of contraception. It's a lot less effective when not combined with charting the cycle of course, but actually NFP real world failure rate isn't much higher than condoms. Of course, the people who use it are a self-selecting group. Eg if you know you don't have a regular cycle, you're not going to go there in the first place. But then, the same is somewhat true of withdrawal. I wouldn't rely on withdrawal alone to avoid pregnancy, but there are people who do so and find it works for them. Some men have a lot less sperm than others in their pre-ejaculate, and others are just better and more disciplined about pulling out in time. Seems reasonable to assume this is also a self-selecting group: the people who rely on withdrawal and don't get pregnant quickly with it won't keep using it for 10 years, the ones who it works for might!

Sierra259 · 10/01/2017 09:33

Soupdragon I agree 100%

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 09:34

So your natural assumption is that she has lied, rather than him not really being fussed how she deals with it as long as he gets to have barrier free sex?

Interesting

BastardGoDarkly · 10/01/2017 09:35

Well said kittens

I hope you've told him, and everything's ok OP.

ollieplimsoles · 10/01/2017 09:38

Wow this thread is still going on and op hasn't been back for a while.

Having looked at it with fresh eyes and only slightly more sleep. I can see my previous comments were misogynistic and the DH in this scenario was silly not to tall to his wife about the MAP.

What ever happens it needs sorting asap

SilentBatperson · 10/01/2017 09:41

I can't understand how you could not know you were at your fertile stage when you had sex so you don't ask DH to withdraw but by the next day you know you need the map because you took a risk.

Really, would it only occur to you that you might need MAP if you knew you were at your fertile stage? Maybe I'm unusual, but the one time I've needed to take it I had no idea where I was in my cycle. It's possible it would've been unnecessary or ineffective because of that, but I wasn't prepared to take the risk. I hadn't thought most women would only think about MAP if they knew they were ovulating. Maybe I'm unusually over cautious?

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