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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/01/2017 07:15

OP I hope it all works out for you. Who knows - if he knowingly took the risk of unprotect d sex he may have accept d the possibility of a baby even though he has said he doesn't want any more.

WetPaint4 · 10/01/2017 07:27

I too think there's more to it, mainly because I'm still struggling to understand how a man who doesn't want more children (to the point of heated discussion and potential devastation):

  • has unprotected sex with his wife
  • doesn't wake up the next morning in a panic
  • doesn't mention in the following two weeks the possibility of pregnancy

It's almost as though he's got a reason to be completely unconcerned. Maybe he was more drunk than they both realised and doesn't remember that he failed to employ their usual much more secure method of withdrawal Hmm

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnionKnight · 10/01/2017 07:34

Apparently drinks had been had according to the OP.

Bananabread123 · 10/01/2017 07:40

Werpaint

Completely agree.... if he would be so devastated, then surely he'd not have had unprotected sex and been nonchalant afterwards. Either he actually isn't all that bothered, or he is really, really stupid!

Both the OP and her DH are equally responsible for this pregnancy.... If DH is upset, he needs to man up, accept responsibility, and get on with it knowing that his actions and lack of taking prcautions have led to this. Any man who leaves his DP because of this would be an utter dick.

Sierra259 · 10/01/2017 07:41

I absolutely agree that contraception should have been her DH's responsibility, given that he was the one who didn't want more children. And yes, it's ultimately the OP's choice as to whether she takes the MAP or not. However, the fact that she has deliberately avoided having a conversation with him about a potential pregnancy just doesn't quite sit right with me either for some reason. I can't imagine knowing that my partner was adamantly against something but carrying on doing it with no discussion together about how to proceed. I might decide to carry on after that discussion, but I respect him enough to at least consider his point of view.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov16 · 10/01/2017 07:56

So? What had dh said, then?

Mindtrope · 10/01/2017 07:58

Have you told your OH, OP?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 10/01/2017 08:08

The OP referred to an "accident" re contraception in one of her earlier posts.
An accident is properly using a condom then finding afterwards that it split.

No contraception and no withdrawal isn't an accident.
It's Russian Roulette with a loaded gun.

However as someone said earlier, if her husband would truly be devastated at a third pregnancy, but is ok with bareback sex, he's clearly not that bitgered

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 10/01/2017 08:08

*bothered!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 08:10

navy she's already said her second child was planned

SparklyMagpie · 10/01/2017 08:12

I'm still not understanding why she hasn't even told her husband?

Something fishy is going on with this

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 08:12

she's already said her second child was planned

Planned but was a compromise.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 10/01/2017 08:18

This thread is insane!
Biology 101- pregnancy may well occur if man and woman have unprotected sex!

To the OP- i hope you have told him and things are ok.

Marynary · 10/01/2017 08:21

Biology 101- pregnancy may well occur if man and woman have unprotected sex!

I agree. I think some posters need lessons on the facts of life if they seriously think the DH has been "tricked" or deceived in any way in this scenario.

OopsThereGoMyTrousers · 10/01/2017 08:24

I don't think I'd want to produce children with a man who is too dense to know how babies are made

FrazzleRock · 10/01/2017 08:26

Good grief! This thread FFS.

Babysuprise Flowers I totally feel for you. I am desperate for another after the trauma of losing two babies last year. I have two DC from a previous marriage and DP never wanted his own children until we fell pregnant with our first little miracle (I say miracle because I have PCOS and struggled immensley TTC the DC)
He then changed his mind about not wanting to be a father after our first loss and we tried for the second one. We lost that one too and then he changed his mind again Sad

DP uses the withdrawal method and I just hope that it fails TBH, because the burning desire to fill the hole that our two loses left is overwhelmingly intense.
As far as I'm concerned, if he was that passionate about not wanting to try again, he'd insist on condoms or have a vasectomy. He knows the risks with withdrawal, despite my PCOS, and he knows full well my absolute desperation to try again.

Congratulations babysurprise. I do hope that it all turns out well for you. If your relationship is strong enough then you can both get through this together xx

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2017 08:26

Not feeling inclined to seek and take the MAP is a perfectly valid reason to not do so.

I would be surprised if any sensible human being would just assume that someone who openly hadn't used any form of hormonal contraception for a decade would be inclined to take the MAP (a hormonal form of contraception) in the absence of any expressed agreement to do so.

He knows she's not using any hormonal contraception
He knows they did not use any barrier form of contraception
He knows they had sex
He knows she would like a baby

This thread is all a bit "men can willingly place sperm in a womans vagina but if that sperm does what's it's meant to then OMG women are decietful sperm stealing tricksters"

Yet another way for men to abdicate responsibility for their actions.

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 10/01/2017 08:46

DearOctopus, how about tye default position for him being to avoid pregnancy because he doesn't want another, and she not bothering overmuch because she does?

Or, he not avoiding making her pg because he knows she wants another?

Either they each try to ensure the other gets what they want, regardless of what they themselves want, or they each take responsibility for their own actions?

I think that if he didn't bother with a condom then he was happy for pg to occur. He knows how it works.

Lweji · 10/01/2017 08:55

If I was adamant I didn't want a child I wouldn't rely on condoms or withdrawal at all, never mind having unprotected sex unless I was 100% sure it was safe.

I have no reason to think the OP lied to him, so it's on him.

Lweji · 10/01/2017 08:57

I don't remember if it has been mentioned.
OP, if you're around, have you taken the MAP before? In this relationship?

Viviene12 · 10/01/2017 09:00

What oops said...
why on earth does everyone keep saying that withdrawal is a method of contraception?!?!?!?!