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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
MissStein · 10/01/2017 00:32

and the key statement in that sentence is "i didnt feel inclined". She didnt want to. Maybe it was presumptuous of me to assume this was because she wanted to keep the baby, this was only based on what the op has said, that she was pleased to be pregnant and has had previous heated discussions with her op over her strong desire for another child. But regardless of the reason for op not taking map, she chose not to take them. It doesnt matter if it was for moral reasons or she just couldnt be fucking bothered on xmas day when she was no doubt run off her feet with a million other things to have to go out of her way to dash her own dreams to keep her feckless dp happy. She didnt want to take MAP and exercised her right not to. If dp was that bothered about it, he could have suggested it to her, and again she would have been within her right to reject this. This does not mean she has tricked/trapped/enslaved/taken advantage of her dp. It means she has full autonomy of her body and dp has to bloody take responsibility for his moment of barebacked fucking pleasure, you know, like a decent adult.

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2017 00:33

thatdearoctopus clearly he couldn't be arsed either!

She didn't steal his sperm you know!

YorkiesGlasses · 10/01/2017 00:45

I wouldn't allow him to wallow too long in his devastation when you tell him. He had no trouble putting that worry out of his mind when he fancied a condomless shag.

He made his decision about where to put his sperm. Now you will make yours about what you'll choose to do with your body. It would be astonishing if he left you for allowing him to choose to have sex with you with no contraception - and I'm not sure how you'd phrase that in a divorce petition... And if he's really that devastated by the thought of new babies, perhaps he might take the logical step towards preventing it?

Biscuitrules · 10/01/2017 00:46

Just wanted to add my voice to say what terrible misogynistic attitudes have been demonstrated on this thread. Why has this been turned into a witch-hunt blaming the OP? Why on earth do people even think they need/are entitled to an intimate account of the OP's sex life for the sole purpose of dissecting it to pieces? OP asked for advice, by which I understood her to want practical and emotional advice. Surely that can be given on an 'if it was an accident then.... if not then....." basis, without needing the details and then to put OP on trial?

OP - I hope you are ok, you posted for advice and other than the first couple of posts have had precious little advice (with some honourable exceptions). (For previous posters: both the condom and withdrawal methods are within HIS sole control so I don't see why you are tearing the OP apart for the lack of birth control).

You obviously need to tell him and see how he reacts. I agree whole-heartedly that you should not be forced into a termination. Be prepared for him to take some time to get his head around it so be patient and give him space and both of you should agree not to make any hasty decisions. If he leaves you, that is his choice, but any man who decides to be spiteful about his own child and treat him or her differently from your elder two (as some previous posters have threatened) would not be worthy of your love and affection in any case.

A close friend of mine found out she was unexpectedly pregnant and although she wanted the child she was all over the place with hormones and fear of the future and how her DH would react and how this would affect the future they had envisaged for them and their children. You (both) need support, love and understanding. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to after this thread?

Take care x

Baylisiana · 10/01/2017 00:56

This pregnancy isn't unexpected though. It may not have been carefully planned but it was not an accident.

I completely understand what many people are saying about the OP not taking advantage of her DH's...um...incompetence...;I wouldn't have made the same choice knowing that he did not want a child as it wouldn't have seemed a good plan for their marriage or family. I can't see that it is deceitful in any way though, or that bad of her....because her DH has been with her every step of the way. He had unprotected sex and he did nothing afterwards to even suggest the possibility of MAP or express any concern. Nothing has been hidden from him or done without his consent and active participation.

KittensWithWeapons · 10/01/2017 01:07

In a situation where two fertile adults have unprotected sex, pregnancy is always a possible outcome. The OP's DH, as a 40 year old father of two, must know this. He chose to have unprotected sex regardless. As did the OP. Yes, they were both irresponsible, knowing that they didn't agree with regards to any future pregnancy. But the OP's DH clearly knew that no contraception was being used. I honestly don't understand where the notion that the OP 'tricked' him came from.

And I feel fucking awful for couples who are desperately TTC and then read the casualness with which this child is being brought into the world. Please don't feel awful for me. I agree with PurpleDaisies on this. Don't feel awful for me. The OP's ability to get pregnant easily has no effect on my ability to do so. DP and I have spent years ttc, and I've had 5 MCs. I get really annoyed at our poxy situation being used as a stick to beat other women with. I've seen it on threads about 'gender disappointment 'oh you must not be feeling what you're feeling, other women would just be delighted to be pregnant'. Yes, i would be fucking delighted to be pregnant, and I'd be damn delighted to have any baby, a preference re sex would never enter my head, but that doesn't mean I get to deny other women their feelings.

I want my babies, with my DP. Other people having babies accidentally, carelessly, or without lots of planning has no impact on me.

Don't speak for me, and don't use my inability to sustain a pregnancy as a way to make other women feel crap.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 10/01/2017 02:36

The question is also if he was drunk and you were not. If that is the case, he has reduced ability to understand what is actually happening, and in which circumstance. If you chose to use this opportunity knowingly, that is really iffy. And scummy.

WetPaint4 · 10/01/2017 03:45

So a man adamant that he wants no more kids doesn't appear to know or care how conception or contraception works and has unprotected sex with a woman happy to have more children. I think I'd be too embarrassed to reveal my husband was so lacking in basic knowledge or awareness. Will he even notice you're pregnant?

Cut to a couple of weeks later and the man hasn't even clicked that you had sex and pregnancy is a real possibility? Okay so no vasectomy and I can understand that as it's a big deal, but no condom? No contraception whatsoever? No discussion of it before or after? I shouldn't laugh because the ridiculousness is real, but damn. He is incredibly oblivious, lazy and far too trusting.

You've asked the question because you know on some level this isn't right. You've compromised and agreed to have no more children and you should both be taking steps to honour that, not just him and not just you. But clearly you're not gonna do that and as he left the contraception up to fate/fairies/luck rather than handle his business, I think he'll have to suck it up and learn the lesson. But you have to be prepared for his attitude towards you to completely change.

deliverdaniel · 10/01/2017 03:51

Great post Kittenswithweapons I"ve also had fertility issues (and conceived easily at other times) and I hate this assumption that people can bring my situation into any conversation as a stick to beat other women with. Ugh.

This thread is horrible, misogynistic nastiness. I'm so sorry OP. You have done nothing wrong. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hoping that your DH is happy when you tell him (mine changed his mind about another baby.)

Baylisiana · 10/01/2017 04:53

I just don't see how the DH's attitude towards OP can justifiably change, as she has done nothing he hasn't done. Based on what we have been told, anyway. It will be his attitude to himself that ought to change at least as much.

aurynne · 10/01/2017 05:20

I can't help but marvelling on the irony of women who refuse to take the MAP because it "messes with their hormones" and "makes them sick"... however going through a whole pregnancy and birth is ok?

Sallystyle · 10/01/2017 05:25

My husband desperately didn't want another child. So he didn't have unprotected sex with me once, and he had the snip. He is a responsible adult and didn't want to take any chances.

The OP's husband was not forced into having unprotected sex with her so therefore they are equally as responsible for this conception. The OP has done nothing underhand. She didn't get the MAP but it doesn't seem like her husband cared enough to mention it either. My dh wouldn't have given a shit about fertile windows or whatever, he wouldn't have had unprotected sex with me at any time of the month because he didn't want another child.

It really is that simple.

Some of the replies you have got OP are disgusting.

HorridHenryrule · 10/01/2017 05:26

It's not effective if you throw it up you have to take it again.

Sallystyle · 10/01/2017 05:29

If he leave you, I'd say good on him. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who disregarded my feelings and essentially tricked me into something against my wishes ( having a child)

Grow the fuck up. Essentially tricked him into having a child?

Listen to yourselves. He had sex with her knowing she was not on contraception, knowing she has never been on the pill and that they rely on condoms. How the fuck is that tricking him?

Sallystyle · 10/01/2017 05:31

Sorry OP, in my anger I forgot to say Congratulations.

I really do hope everything works out well for you all Thanks

DoIDareDisturbTheUniverse · 10/01/2017 05:32

The usual misogynistic woman-blaming is alive as ever on MN, I see.
Two grown adults had unprotected sex. Both knew the potential outcome. Stop making OP's husband into a victim and have a good look at what you're saying!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 05:39

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to after this thread?

Yes, her DH!

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 10/01/2017 05:41

If he is surprised in anyway then perhaps enrol him in some kind of sex ed lesson with some 14 year olds. Although I think even they would know unprotected sex = pregnancy

Verity23 · 10/01/2017 05:45

Why haven't you told him yet? What's the point of strangers on the internet speculating about his reaction - just tell him. He may not react as badly as you think, especially because, as you say, he can't be too surprised if he knowingly had unprotected sex.

Zippidydoodah · 10/01/2017 05:56

The question is also if he was drunk and you were not. If that is the case, he has reduced ability to understand what is actually happening, and in which circumstance. If you chose to use this opportunity knowingly, that is really iffy. And scummy.

I beg your pardon?! If he had had more drinks he wouldn't have known that unprotected sex could result in a pregnancy? Hmm

Grin at "iffy" and "scummy"!

Anyway. It will be a very hard conversation to have with your husband, op, so good luck. Congratulations on the pregnancy, too!Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2017 06:38

How bizarre. A young woman gets pregnant by the same "method" on a thread and she says her bf is threatening her and trying to force her to get rid, there are cries of or ltb and outrageous yet the other way round the op is manipulative. Confused

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnionKnight · 10/01/2017 06:46

Yeah, I do suspect that there is more to this, I'd like to hear the husbands side too.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 07:12

Mummyoflittledragon Hardly the same. For starters the DH doesn't even know OP is pregnant!

SoupDragon · 10/01/2017 07:13

A young woman gets pregnant by the same "method" on a thread and she says her bf is threatening her and trying to force her to get rid, there are cries of or ltb and outrageous yet the other way round the op is manipulative.

Theres nothingconfusing about that. for a start, there are no threats or attempts to force an abortion here. I've not read the thread but the main issue fro what you typed seems to be the boyfriends behaviour and not the OP "accidentally" getting pregnant.

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