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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 09/01/2017 23:42

Buttercupsandaisies

Please don't give everyone the impression MAP works brilliantly after ovulation - it doesn't.
Yes there is some effect on the lining of the uterus but the main mode of action is through delaying ovulation.

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 09/01/2017 23:43

I used Levonelle once, years ago. Was as sick as a dog in the hours that followed. Just a bad reaction, I think. But sometimes its not as easy as "just take the MAP". I wouldn't go near it again.

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 23:43

If they were drinking they can't drive there and there's no buses running that day. I'm sure police would be out and about looking for drunk drivers.

WTF? Are you saying the OP didn't bring up the MAP issue in case they got done for drink driving? And surely, if this conversation were to be had at all, it would be first thing, and who's too pissed to drive by breakfast? Even at Christmas?

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 23:47

There is villages around the town I live in. No pharmacy or hospital near by. They both had a drink that day as soon as my partner starts drinking he wouldn't touch a car. Some people need their license for their job.

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 23:50

I think you're scraping the barrel a bit there, HorridHenry. No one is disputing the drink-drive laws, but it's nothing to do with this issue.

MyNewUserNameIsSecret · 09/01/2017 23:51

Hey HorridHenry I thought we had moved on.... 🤔

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 23:51

So with all that in mind he should have been more careful.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 23:52

We did I was joking sorry.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 23:59
Blush
LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 00:04

I honestly don't understand this thread. OP and her husband had agreed on a compromise of two children , regardless of what happened surely the decent thing to do it to say to DH the next morning "we had unprotected sex, I know we agreed a compromise on just two children, shall we track down a pharmacy to get the MAP, just to be on the safe side?"

All of this could have been avoided by a brief conversation, yes the DH should take responsibility too, but why didn't you just talk to him at the time OP?!

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 00:07

Exactly, Loup, but the OP didn't want to have that conversation, because it suited her very well to leave things exactly as they were, even though she knew he didn't want a third child.

Lweji · 10/01/2017 00:12

Or her husband didn't want to have that conversation?

In her place, I'd probably have assumed that he was ok with the risk. Because HE chose not to use a condom or withdrawal even.

What if it suited her? Just because she agreed to no more children to compromise with his wants, it doesn't absolve him of responsibility.

He didn't bother with contraception and he didn't bother with the conversation.
I bet she was also busier at Christmas than he was.

MissStein · 10/01/2017 00:13

because the op states she 'didn't feel inclined to get the MAP'. She didnt want to take it. You cant force a woman to take something to stop/end a pregnancy if she does not want to. I dont understand what is so difficult to understand about this. The dp's control (as with all men) to stop pregnancy starts and ends with their own fertility and contraception, married or not.

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 00:13

Yes, precisely octopus. As a very trivial comparison, DH forgets to take his lunch to work everyday. I could leave him to it, he's an adult - he should be able to remember his own lunch without me reminding him, it shouldn't be up to me. Except I don't want him to go without his lunch, so I remind him, everyday, because I love him and we're a team - just because he forgets nor is careless with a responsibility doesn't mean that it's right for me to take advantage of that.

Badgoushk · 10/01/2017 00:15

So when are you going to tell him, OP?

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 00:16

Also "didn't feel inclined to get the MAP" is not the same as doesn't agree morally with the MAP.

Lweji · 10/01/2017 00:16

LoupGarou

I don't think that's a good example. You can choose to help him out, but it still remains his responsibility to make his own lunch. Reminding him is a favour you do to him.

What if you also forgot? Would you be to blame, or only him?

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 10/01/2017 00:17

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK

He's a grown man, he CHOSE not to withdraw, he CHOSE not to use a condom, why should SHE have to suggest getting the MAP that she doesn't want to take because a) it makes her feel bad & b) is happy to have another baby.

He's in his 40's. If HE doesn't want another baby then he needs to use their agreed form of contraception. End of.

Lweji · 10/01/2017 00:19

heThingsWeAdmitOnMN

Exactly.

He choose to skip contraception.

Just fuck it. She can take an often nasty MAP or have an abortion.
I thought none of these were supposed to be relied upon as contraception.

Or he can face the consequences of his choices. Drunk or not.

MissStein · 10/01/2017 00:20

ive not said the op didnt take map for moral reasons. op has made it clear imo that she hasnt taken map because she wants to keep the child. Thats all the reason she needs. No man, married or not, has the right to expect a woman to take the MAP against her own wishes (whatever they may be), because he was too careless to pull out. Isnt this what we are teaching our sons and daughters?

LoupGarou · 10/01/2017 00:20

Lweji nope, it was a pants example Grin. The point I was making was that marriage is supposed to be teamwork.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 00:22

Missstein Talk about cherry-picking and taking out of context.
The OP actually said near enough (on phone so can't copy and paste), "I guess I could have got the MAP but I didn't feel inclined and it was Christmas."
Nothing about being morally opposed to the MAP on principle, or being forced by her cruel husband. Just she couldn't really be arsed. And why would she? She was hoping for the outcome she ended up with.

thatdearoctopus · 10/01/2017 00:23

MissStein Where has it been said that the OP's dh would have expected her to take it?

Lweji · 10/01/2017 00:25

Yes, it's teamwork, and great if both help each other.
But if it's one's responsibility, it IS their responsibility. Not the other's, even if the other usually collaborates/helps/reminds/whatever.

The OP can often even remind her OH about using condoms. She doesn't have to. If she doesn't remind him once, it's not her responsibility or fault if he forgets.
He's an adult. And he should be responsible for HIS choices (not having children) - not make her responsible for it.

Lweji · 10/01/2017 00:25

Just she couldn't really be arsed. And why would she? She was hoping for the outcome she ended up with.

What's wrong with that?