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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a 3rd baby against DH's wishes

999 replies

Babysuprise · 09/01/2017 17:02

DH and I have two lovely children - while I have always wanted more, DH only really wanted one so two was a compromise.

We have had quite heated discussions about having a third and he has always been clear he doesn't want another one.

However, I have just found out I am pregnant. I'm pretty pleased about it as I had resigned myself to just having two, but I know DH will be devastated. I haven't told him yet. AIBU to have this baby anyway?

OP posts:
MissStein · 09/01/2017 22:54

I don't see why so many PPs think the woman should take responsibility for contraception i would wager it be so when it goes tits up due to the man acting irresponsibility then the finger can be pointed at the woman and all blame levied on her also all by misogynistic fucking twats.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 09/01/2017 22:56

I hope it's all going ok OP. Fwiw I literally cannot see what you've done wrong. Your husband is aware of the methods of contraception you've jointly decided to use, and chose not to use them. He's aware you didn't get the MAP and made no attempts to suggest you should.

Therefore, while he may be disappointed (and WNBU to feel that way, as long as he doesn't take it out on you) that you're pregnant, he cannot claim that this is somehow all your fault. And now that you are pregnant the decision on terminating has to be entirely yours. Of course you should take your husband's feelings into account but it's your body and your choice.

My DH has always been aware that I won't take the MAP and would not terminate a pregnancy without extraordinary circumstances, and therefore when we've not been ttc but risked having unprotected sex he's known perfectly well that we are jointly taking a risk of ending up with a baby. We'll ignore the time we weren't ttc and I had a coil in and we ended up with a baby anyway. He always has the choice of popping a condom on or stopping proceedings. I presume since your husband knows you'd like to have more children so would be unwilling to terminate, then he also knew what he was, ahem, getting into.

TooSmittle · 09/01/2017 22:59

A slight derailment but I think it's really important to clarify the mechanism of action of the MAP - there is no proof that it prevents fertilisation when taken after ovulation. The literature is ambiguous: "it can affect the lining of the womb", "it may prevent implantation. A small study was done and found that the MAP made no difference to pregnancy rates when taken on or just after ovulation. Obviously absence of proof is not conclusive proof of absence, but it certainly should not be relied on at the most fertile point of a cycle. The copper coil is considered more effective if fertilisation may have already occurred.

I didn't know this and have seen it happen myself. My friend had unprotected sex in the morning, took the MAP by 3pm. Two weeks later she had a positive pregnancy test. She was horrified and it was only during a near hysterical doctor's visit that she first heard of the lack of reliability post ovulation. This should be made much clearer in all the literature.

Of course all this offers nothing to the discussion nor the OP's predicament, I just thought it was an important bit of info to put out there.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 22:59

One of the ways the morning after pill can work is to "... irritate the lining of the uterus (endometrium) so as to inhibit implantation." which is not contraception. No one should be pressurized to use this.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 23:00

Do you know why he thinks 3 is a bad idea?

OP says he only wanted 1 and 2 was a compromise.

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 23:05

OK, so the dh neglected to take his part in contraception. But so did the OP. But as she knew full well he didn't want another child, the default position has to be avoiding getting pregnant for the BOTH of them.
She seized an opportunity (his laxness) and even though everyone on here seems to think that's fair game, I disagree that it's acceptable in what should be a trusting relationship.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 23:06

UnoriginalNN "You should have talked about it the next day.

Not talking about it is kind of like lying by omission - knowing that you should say "so I should probably get a MAP" and choosing not to makes this baby somewhat planned."

WHY should the wife go and get the MAP, because her husband doesn't want another child!!!

"and choosing not to makes this baby somewhat planned." That is your interpretation. No woman should feel under pressure to take the MAP!

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 09/01/2017 23:08

I do not see how some people are adamant the op 'tricked' her DH or broke his trust.

She only ever tracked her fertility when they were trying to get pregnant.

Their method of birth control is one they have used for years - withdrawal or condoms. HE is the one that chis se to do neither.

HE chose not to use their agreed form of contraception, why should she try to find the MAP, especially given she is happy to have another baby?

It's beyond fucking belief that people are blaming the OP. What if she hadn't been ok with having another baby & he hadn't withdrawn? Pregnant against her will, would that still be ok? FFS

MissStein · 09/01/2017 23:08

Are you saying ops fault here was not telling her dp to pullout (despite what had been previously agreed)?

0hCrepe · 09/01/2017 23:09

He didn't pull out, he was willing to take the risk.
My DH said he didn't want anymore after saying he did and I got my coil removed. I told him I wasn't having one put in again and he could take care of contraception for once. He pulled out a few times then just risked it. I did even say it was risky. I got pregnant and he was delighted! I think partly it was that he didn't want our sex life to be around conceiving but once it happened he was glad.
Your dh knew where you were contraception wise and chose to have unprotected sex. You've done nothing wrong.

MissStein · 09/01/2017 23:09

sorry that was to dearoctopus

JerryFerry · 09/01/2017 23:10

Wow, this thread is as depressing as Brexit and Trump. Society seems to be taking a huge leap backwards towards widespread misogyny and many 'isms'...

FetchezLaVache · 09/01/2017 23:11

Gallavich This thread makes me weep for women kind.

I'm with you there

Me too. And I'd like to know why all the posters who have had so much to say about how the OP should have been charting her cycles, and should have got the MAP, and should have been on the pill and basically taken the entire responsibility for contraception, have been so curiously silent on the subject of whether her DH should possibly have considered a sodding vasectomy or using a condom if he was so adamant he didn't want another child.

MyNewUserNameIsSecret · 09/01/2017 23:12

I'm a bit Shock at the suggestion that it's too difficult to get MAP on Christmas Day. It wouldn't be great timing but a few hours finding a chemist is a lot less of a commitment than a child. It's a few hours (admittedly on a day where you have a lot of other things to do) compared with a commitment lasting at a very minimum of 18 odd years

It's madness!

Lweji · 09/01/2017 23:13

OK, so the dh neglected to take his part in contraception. But so did the OP. But as she knew full well he didn't want another child, the default position has to be avoiding getting pregnant for the BOTH of them.

Why?
He couldn't be arsed avoiding getting her pregnant for HIMSELF.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 23:15

The chemist isn't open Christmas Day. Google it to check if you want.

0hCrepe · 09/01/2017 23:17

MyNew true. Her dh obviously decided he couldn't be bothered to find one and was willing to risk it.

thatdearoctopus · 09/01/2017 23:18

Don't try to put words in my mouth. I've said nothing about fault.

But if my husband and I were in such disagreement about such an important issue as this, I would consider it both our responsibility to take precautions until such time as we'd agreed to go ahead. The onus was as much on her as on him to either prompt a reminder at the time, or talk about what to do after the event, e.g. MAP. We don't know why he didn't - his error, but we do know why she didn't. It suited her agenda not to. Which is deceitful, I think.

And to all those saying she shouldn't "be forced" to take the MAP, it was the OP who first mentioned that, implying that it could have been a course of action they might have taken (had it not been Christmas Day).

Baylisiana · 09/01/2017 23:19

There is something OP isn't telling us, assuming the thread is genuine...., because for her DH to knowingly do this and not mention it afterwards makes no sense at all unless he has mental illness or handicap. Even then, I can only think of a few conditions that might explain it.

I think either he was so drunk he doesn't remember, or he has said something, or...something.

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 09/01/2017 23:19

Both at fault, IMO. OP for clearly seizing an opportunity, him for allowing that opportunity to be seized.

To return to an earlier point, I completely disagree that a man should have a vasectomy if he wants to guarantee no more children. It is unfortunate that men are limited in their choice of contraception but they should not be forced or cajoled into having an operation they don't want. No one should.

MyNewUserNameIsSecret · 09/01/2017 23:20

If the OPs DH started a thread saying he didn't want a child, used the withdrawal method and is now unhappy that his wife is pregnant i am certain that he would get very short shift from posters in Mumsnet.

However this thread is about the OP and I think she has been as irresponsible as her DH. Both the DH and the OP have a responsibility to each other and to their exsisting family not to be so reckless with contraception.

DixieNormas · 09/01/2017 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sj257 · 09/01/2017 23:23

I have had similar happen in the past, had the morning after pill once or twice and also chanced it when I've felt there wasn't much risk at that time of the month.

My husband wasn't sure about having a third, it was very important to me. We talked about it a few times casually in the past few years. When I started getting quite serious about it I hadn't been on the pill for a few months due to other reasons and he knew this, and he stopped using condoms. He is a man of few words and I took this as being that he had decided we could have a third!

I can't understand why your husband wouldn't use condoms if he is so against another child and knows you aren't on the pill. I also can't understand why you wouldnt get the MAP if you knew he was dead against it, I'd hate to risk getting pregnant with a child I knew my husband didn't want.

MissStein · 09/01/2017 23:23

or like, thousands of countless men out there, were too busy thinking with their dick rather than with their heads to bother about the consequences and either silently hoping his wife wont get pregnant, it just hasnt occurred to him as a possibility, or wants his wife to get pregnant.

HorridHenryrule · 09/01/2017 23:24

He just made an error and she's deceitful. Yes she couldn't take MAP even if she wanted because nothing was open Christmas Day. What is your point other than she is worse than her husband.